A Great and Terrible Beauty
But whether he's doing it to protect me or himself, I cannot know.
I sit for a long time and watch the night bruise toward morning, the purple turning yellow, the yellow fading till it's as if the dark has never marked the skin of the sky at all. By the time the sun peeks over the trees, I'm ready to take one last journey.
"Keep this," I say, crumpling the crescent eye amulet into Felicity's hands.
"But why?"
"If I don't come back" I stop. "If something should go wrong, you'll need to find the others. They'll need to know you're one of them."
She stares at the silver amulet.
"It will be up to you to come after me." I pause. "Or close the realms for good. Do you understand?" "Yes," she whispers. "Promise you'll come back." The scrap of silk from my mother's dress is soft in my tight fist. "I'm going to try."
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
There are no birds. No flowers. No sunset. There's an eerie grayness to everything beyond the bright door. The empty boat is still on the river, stuck fast in a thin sheet of ice.
"If you want me, here I am," I shout. It echoes all around me. I am, I am , I am .
"Gemma? Gemma!" My mother emerges from behind a tree. Her voice, sure and strong, draws me in.
"Mother?"
Tears spring to her eyes. "Gemma, I was afraid but you're all right." She smiles, and everything inside me bends to her. I'm tired and uncertain but she's here now. She'll help me set things right.
"Mother, I'm sorry. I've made a mess of things. You told me not to use the magic yet, and I did, and now it's all ruined and Pippa's" I can't bring myself to say anything more, can't even think it.
"Shhh, Gemma, no time for tears. You're here to bring Pippa back, aren't you?"
I nod.
"There's no time to lose, then. Quickly, before the creature returns."
"Put your hands on the runes."
"Gemma," she says, green eyes narrowing. "You have to trust me or your friend will be lost forever. Do you want that on your conscience?"
I think of Pippa struggling in the icy water where she fell. Where I left her. My hands hover over the runes.
"That's it, my darling. Everything's forgotten now. Soon, we'll be together again."
I put my left hand to the rune. The vibration travels through me. I'm weakened from our other trips, and the magic starts to pull me under with its power. It's too much for me. Mother opens her hand to me. There it is, pink and alive and open. I have only to take hold of it. My arm rises. My fingers reach toward hers, till my skin vibrates with the nearness of her. Our fingers touch.
"At last" Instantly, the thing that hides in my mother's shape emerges, rising high as the stones themselves. With a great yell, the creature grabs hold of my arm. I can feel the coldness of it sliding through my arm, into my veins, creeping toward my heart. The heat leaving me. I'm no match for it.
Everything falls away. We're falling fast together, past the mountain and the churning sky, through the veil that separates the realms from the mortal world. The thing cackles in delight.
"At last at last"
This new magic takes me by surprise as it surges through me, joining to my will. It is overwhelming, the raw nakedness of this power. I never want to let it go. I could use it to control, to wound, to win.
The creature cackles. "Yes it's intoxicating, isn't it?"
Yes, oh, yes . Is this what my mother and Circe felt, what they were afraid of losinga power they could not have in their own world? Anger. Joy. Ecstasy. Rage. All theirs. All mine.
"We're almost there," the thing whispers.
Below me London spreads out like a lady's fan, ornate and delicate. A city I wanted to see when I lived in India. A city I still want to see. On my own.
The thing senses my discomfort. "You could rule it," it says, nearly licking my ear.
Yes, yes, yes.
No. Not really. Not attached to this creature. The power would never be mine. It would control me. No, no, no. Let it win . Be joined. I'm weary with choice. It makes me heavy. So heavy I could sleep forever. Let Circe win. Abandon my family and friends. Float downstream.
No.
At this the thing seems to grow weaker. You have to know yourself, know what you want. That's what Mother told me. What I want what I want