A Great and Terrible Beauty

"Look again," Mother says.

Above us, the sky is in turmoil. The clouds swirl and crackle with lightning. The kitten is gone and what emerges in its place is a menacing face from a nightmare. It shrieks down toward us till I have to bury my eyes behind my arm.

"Gemma!"

I take my arm away. The sky is calm. The kitten is now a large cat.

"What was that?" I whisper.

"A demonstration," Mother says. "You have to be able to see what's really there. Circe will try to make you see a monster when there is only a kitten, and vice versa."

I'm still shaking. "But it seemed so real."

She takes my hand in hers and we lie there, not moving. In the distance, Ann is singing an old folk song, something about a lady selling cockles and mussels. It's a sad song and it makes me feel strange inside. As if I'm losing something but I don't know what.

"Mother, what if I can't do this? What if it turns out all wrong?"

The clouds bunch together and thin out. Nothing's taking shape yet.

"That's a chance we have to take. Look."

Above us, the clouds have spread themselves into a wispy ring with no beginning, no end, and in the center is a perfect circle of absolute blue.

On Friday, I receive a surprise visit. My brother is waiting for me in the parlor. A gaggle of girls is inventing reasons to walk past so that they can peek in at him. I close the doors behind me, cutting Tom off from his admiring flock before my nausea overtakes me.

"Well, if it isn't my lady Dour!" Tom says, standing. "Have you managed to find me a suitable wife yet? I'm not picky--just someone pretty, quiet, with a small fortune and her own teeth. Actually, I am flexible on all points but the small fortune. Unless, of course, it's a large one."

For some reason, the sight of Tom, reliable, snobby, shallow Tom, fills me with good cheer. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed him. I throw my arms around him. He stiffens for a second, then hugs me back.

"Yes, well, they must be treating you like a dog if you're glad to see me. I must say you're looking well." "I feel well, Tom. Truly." I want so much to tell him about Mother, but I know I can't. Not yet. "Have you heard from Grandmother? How's Father?"

Tom's smile slips. "Oh, yes. They're doing well."

"Will he come for Assembly Day? I can't wait to see him again, and introduce him to all my friends here."

"Well, I wouldn't get my hopes up yet, Gemma. He might not be able to get away just now." Tom adjusts his cuffs. It's a nervous habit. Something I've begun to realize he does only when he lies.

"I see," I say quietly.

There's a knock at the door and Ann pushes through, eyes wide. She's shocked that I'm in the parlor alone with a man. She covers her eyes with her hand to block her view of us. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I only wanted to let Gemma, Miss Doyle, know that we're ready to practice our waltzing."

"I can't just now. I have a visitor."

Tom stands, relieved. "Don't neglect your waltzing on my account. I say, are you all right?" He's squinting at Ann, who is still averting her eyes.

"Oh, for heavens sakes," I mutter under my breath. I make the necessary introductions. "Miss Ann Bradshaw, may I present Mr. Thomas Doyle? My brother . I'll just show him out and then we can get to our infernal waltzing."

"That was your brother?" Ann asks shyly while I'm gliding her around the ballroom.

"Yes. The beast himself." I'm still a bit ruffled by the news about Father. I'd hoped by now he'd be on the mend.

"He seems very kind." Ann steps on both my feet and I wince in pain.

"Tom? Ha! He never opens his mouth except to put on airs. He's insufferably impressed with himself. Pity the girl who gets him."

"Still, I think he seems very nice. A true gentleman."

God in heaven. She likes my brother. It's so laughable that it's somewhere beyond comedy and right into tragedy again.

"Is he engaged to anyone?"

"No. No one seems to measure up to his first love."

Ann's face falls. She stops without warning and I twist uncomfortably before springing back to her side. "Oh?" "Himself."

It takes her a minute to get the joke, but then she laughs and blushes some more. I haven't the heart to tell her that Tom's looking for a rich wife, probably a pretty one, too, and that she will never be able to compete. If only he could see and hear her as she is in the realms. It's infuriating that the things we can do thereall that powermust remain there for the time being.