A Rescued Heart(4)
Author: Natalie Replogle

“Ava, I know there is nothing I can say today to make up for all the pain I have caused you. I’m so sorry that I didn’t contact you sooner. I was nervous and not sure what to say. It was selfish and inconsiderate.”

“Well, at least you’re consistent.”

He cringed, “I guess I deserve that.”

“You guess? Do you have any idea how hurtful your actions were to me? How embarrassing it was sitting in that room waiting for you? No warning! Nothing but a stupid letter.” Her words dripped with a bitterness that she’d evidently not dealt with.

“You’re right, I deserve much worse than your words.”

“Well, that can be arranged.” She used the tip of her pinkie finger to dab the outside of her eyes to stave off tears. Determination to not let him see her cry surged.

“You’re here for a reason, so what is it? Are you finally going to explain why you left me, because if not, there’s the door!” she snapped while jerking her head toward the exit.

Tim had a reason that resonated deeper than his mere words written in that heartless letter. She needed him to be honest now and put her out of this misery.

“I am here to explain.” He took a deep breath and looked down at his hands. She wanted to yell,Look at me, coward, but she held her tongue.

“When I proposed to you it was the happiest day of my life. We had so much in common, and I was confident that we would have an incredible life together. The fall was hard, being away from you, but I treasured our time together on the weekends. But the more time we spent apart, the more I became unsure.”

When they had graduated college she’d found her job quickly, but he’d searched all summer and finally had to accept a job over an hour away. Difficulty surrounded the long distance, but they’d both committed to making the weekend trips and phone calls work until they could get married and find a place to live that split the distance. She remembered that time period and how much she’d missed him.

The plan had proceeded well until the winter when she began noticing a slight change in him. One day he seemed fine and the next, distant. When they were together he was warm and endearing, but when they were apart he’d often sounded reserved and impersonal during their phone conversations. No matter how often she tried to dig deeper into why he detached himself, he kept silent and would either change the subject or assure her that everything was okay between them.

“The thing is,” he started rubbing his forehead, “I began hanging out with another teacher at school named Cara.” He quickly added, “Nothing happened, we were just friends, but I became confused as to why I enjoyed her attention and the time we spent together.”

And there it was.

She tried to regulate her breathing and bit her lip to keep the angry thoughts to herself. He began rubbing the back of his neck even more vigorously. If he didn’t get out what he’d come to say, he’d leave with no skin left.

“As the wedding approached, I just assumed it was cold feet, but I kept having this uneasy feeling. I knew I loved you, enjoyed being with you, but I felt like we needed more than just getting along and having a lot in common. Plus, I was starting to have stronger feelings for Cara which were complicating the situation.”

She kept silent, so he continued.

“The week of the wedding I was sick with guilt and desperate to feel at peace about marrying you, but it wouldn’t come. I knew after the rehearsal I needed to end things. I should have told you then, but couldn’t. I wrote the letter in the morning and left it where I knew someone would find it.”

He looked up and she couldn’t hide the tears spilling off her cheeks. It hurt, but she finally had the truth.

“I am so sorry, Ava,” he continued. “I know I handled everything wrong and I should have been honest with you from the beginning. I know I made the right choice, but I messed up by not telling you all of this at the time.”

He started to choke up while speaking and the ice encasing her heart melted a little.

“Tim, I would never want to marry someone who wasn’t sure if I was the one. If you say the Lord said,No, how can I disagree? It hurts deeply, but I will get over you … you seem to be doing fine.”

The observation hurt.

“It wasn’t easy getting over you, Ava. You will always have a place in my heart, but I couldn’t dwell on something that wasn’t God’s desire for me.”

Where is he going with this? Could he already be over me?

“There is something else I need to tell you.” He started rubbing his chin, delaying the inevitable.

“Just say it, Tim.”

“Well, I just wanted you to hear it from me instead of through the grapevine. I thought you deserved that.” His hesitation made her sick to her stomach. “I’ve been dating Cara.” He waited a bit to let the salt settle in her wound. “We’re getting pretty serious, talking about marriage. I thought you should know.”

This last confession knocked the wind out of her. She had no desire to ever get back together with him, but she thought she meant more to him than that. It hadn’t been more than three months since he left her and now he was dating someone already—someone he had spent time with while he and Ava were still a couple—someone he planned to marry. She felt betrayed and worthless. Could she ever trust anyone to love her again?

Despite the many emotions swirling around in her heart, her mind went blank. She felt out of words, not sure if she could even speak. She wished her brothers would arrive to eliminate the problem and protect her. Tim would have been lucky to make it out the door without a black eye or broken nose.

“I, um, didn’t expect this. Not that you’ve done anything in the last three months that hasn’t been a surprise to me.”

“I know I’m a jerk. I just felt like you needed to know.”

“Sure.”

“I messed up so bad in the past, I wanted to be up front and honest with you now.”

He hit a nerve. “Was this really for me or just a way to cleanse your guilty conscience?” She wanted to throw something at him.

“For you, Ava, honestly it was for you.”

She didn’t believe him and yet felt a little bad about what she’d said, just not bad enough to apologize. She couldn’t let the anger and bitterness win, but it did feel good for the time being. Shenever wanted to talk to him again and for that to happen she needed to end this conversation well. She didn’t want to live with remorse and then somewhere down the road have to call and apologize.

“Okay, is that all or do you have any more bombshells to throw at me today?”

“No, that’s all.”

“Then thank you for coming and telling me the truth. I might not have wanted to hear a lot of your confessions, but it’s the closure I needed.”

She stood and walked to the door. He followed behind as his footsteps dragged across the floor.

“Ava, there is just one more thing.” He looked distraught. “Do you think you will ever be able to forgive me?”

The voice in her soul spoke,Forgive as I forgave you.

She hesitated, struggling to find the words.

“Yes, Tim, I do forgive you. If I don’t forgive you, it will do more damage to me than you. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling bitterness toward you.”

“You are going to find happiness again, Ava. God has a great plan for your life. And thank you for forgiving me. You are a better person than I will ever be.”

She wanted to agree out loud, but moved to usher him out of her life one final time. She needed to be alone.

That day had hurt her pride and self-confidence, and it took Ava about a week to snap out of her self-pity before she began the slow, agonizing process of moving on. Through time the feelings of love she’d had for Tim diminished, along with the ill feelings toward him. Freedom did follow forgiveness.

The problem that she struggled with, that hung around her neck like a noose, was being terrified of falling in love again. How would she know if her next love truly meant what he said, or what if she was wrong again about whom she thought the Lord made for her? Heading down that road again overwhelmed her enough that she decided not to let her heart even go there.

She willed herself back to the present, grateful that the flashbacks were no longer as painful as they’d once been.

Ava headed to the bathroom to get ready for the wedding. The weatherman had been correct on the beauty of the day. The sun shined with a warm temperature, uncommon for April in northern Illinois. She chose a black strapless dress that fitted tightly and came down to the top of her knees. She put on black stilettos and her makeup a bit darker than usual. It was fun to dress up. She decided not to put on a necklace.Less is more was her motto. She didn’t want to look cluttered, just elegant.

She grabbed her shawl, purse, and the wedding present and walked out the door, ready to try this wedding business again.

Traffic in the city was insanely busy but sported less crazy drivers than usual. Ava only feared for her life once. The city of Rockford was split down the middle by the Rock River, with a west side and an east side. The main downtown area was dotted with businesses, government buildings, and restaurants. As the city trickled out, it became more populated with houses than businesses. If you kept going you would eventually run into miles and miles of farmland.

Ava’s apartment sat on the east side near downtown. Her school was also on the east side, but out of the city, smooshed among neighborhoods. Rockford didn’t have a history as an exciting city or drenched in historic events, but it was home. She enjoyed the river and all the events and activities that took place around it.

At the end of each summer Rockford hosted a music festival called “On the Waterfront.” It drew in many tourists and music fans. Ava usually stayed at her parents’ house that weekend to avoid the enormous crowd. Sometimes she and her friends would go to the festival and listen to the bands play and walk the streets that were blocked off for the big event. The city took pride in making it an annual success.

Ava arrived at the church right before the ceremony started. Once the wedding party made its way down the aisle, the doors closed after them and the music changed to the wedding march. The doors reopened and there stood Kate. Ava looked over at Kyle. He beamed. Her heart sank. She couldn’t help but wonder what it would feel like to walk through those doors and see the love of her life look that excited to see her, to want to make her his wife. She pushed the tears back. This day wasn’t about her.

Once pronounced husband and wife, everyone clapped as they headed down the aisle arm in arm. The pastor announced that the couple would greet everyone at the reception and to stay seated until the ushers dismissed them.

Ava walked out to her car, relieved. She had done it. She’d made it through the ceremony without any panic attacks and even looked forward to the reception.

The reception building overlooked the river. The open room had circular tables everywhere. The tables were covered in a purple cloth and seated eight guests each. The front of the room displayed a long table for the wedding party, a dance floor in front, with the DJ off to the side. Along the back of the room, a wall full of windows exposed the river below.

The seating chart assigned Ava to Table 10. She found her name tag and smiled across the table at a couple she didn’t know. She sat for a short time observing more of the room and the guests that entered until she grew curious about whom her fellow table mates would be. The name to her left was a colleague from school. She gasped out loud when she read the name at her right:Matthew Thompson.

Matt came to a halt in front of Table 10. Someone ran into him from behind because of his sudden stop. He quickly apologized, but still didn’t move forward. He enjoyed watching her from a distance. Matt could only see her from the side, but that was the face he’d been unable to get out of his mind all week. Not believing the opportunity that had just fallen into his lap, he approached hopeful.

“Ava.”

“Matt.”

They both laughed while she pointed to his seat. “This is such a good surprise.” He took his seat beside her. “Do you know Kyle or Kate?”

“Kate and I work together. How about you?”

“Kyle. We grew up together at the same church. We attend different churches now, but we still keep in touch.”

“So where do you attend church now?”

As he told her about his church, he couldn’t believe how quickly this topic came up. It would be the deal breaker as to whether or not he pursued her. He took his faith very serious and this was something he would not waver on, despite his attraction toward her.

When he was younger faith did not rank quite as high as a priority for him. He had a handful of serious relationships, but only a few were worthy to bring home to meet his family. Sadly, he could only think of one that he knew for sure had a relationship with the Lord. He wished he could go back in time and change that part of his past. Now that he was older and pushing thirty, it became a necessity for any potential relationship.

“Are you a believer?” He held his breath.

“Yes. I’ve attended Crossroads Christian Church since birth. It’s much smaller than yours, only a few hundred people. But it’s a good church that preaches the truth. Plus, I enjoy the fellowship and it’s nice because my entire family still goes there.”

He finally released his breath in relief. She was a believer. That was now her best quality out of the handful he already knew about her. He had been wrestling all week about wanting to track her down and ask her out. Being a cop, he had resources at his disposal. Getting back into the school in order to run into her would not have been a problem.

The music started and their attention moved to the front. He looked around.When did everyone get here? Ava saw one of her co-workers sitting at the table beside her and turned to speak with her while the DJ started introducing the wedding party.