Accidentally…Over? (Accidentally Yours #5)(4)
Author: Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

Okay, time for a new tactic. Speak to his extreme horniness. Poor guy is 70K and has never been kissed. Kind of like Drew Barrymore, but seven feet tall. And invisible. And naked. And a dude. Okay. Nothing like Drew Barrymore. Dammit, I can’t hear myself think!

“Roberto!” Cimil yelled. “Have someone turn that crap off, or I’ll start turning vampires into insects! And they won’t be cool ones, either! I’m talking pill bugs!”

Roberto signaled one of his men to the caged guard booth to address the noise, which he did by punching the communication console.

“Thank you, baby.” She blew a kiss to Roberto. “Máax, I’m telling the truth. You must go back and save this beautiful, smokin’ hot, young woman so she can fulfill her destiny. She needs you. You. You are the only one who can pull this off. So I’m asking, please save her? And hurry up with the answer because Roberto is about to bust a triple-stitch zipper if I don’t give him his Cimi-treat.”

Roberto crossed his arms and nodded with a pissed-off expression. “She hasn’t put out in months. I am so aroused that even you look enticing, Máax.”

Cimil burst with laughter. Roberto had made a joke. Not so easy for a five-thousand-year-old ex-pharaoh vampire. “Good one, honey. I’d high-five you, but that would be hard to do through the glass.”

“Perhaps we can have sex instead,” Roberto stated dryly.

“Through the glass?” she asked. That would be even more difficult, but if he was game to try, then so was she.

“I am able to open your cell, Cimil,” Roberto clarified.

“Not so kinky, but okay.” She winked. “Just as soon as Máax makes up that empty head of his.” Cimil held out both palms, mimicking a scale. “Save hot chick and humanity? Or be a sucky coward, and let us all die. Hmmm… decisions, decisions.”

“Precisely how does the pathetic mortal woman die, and how do I save her?” he asked.

Pathetic? Emotionally, he was a pre-Cretaceous amoeba compared to the woman. “Have no clue and ummm… no clue.”

“Why not? And why the f**k not?”

“They’re called visions,” she whispered, “not detailed instruction manuals to thwarting apocalyptic events.” Of course, even if she did know, she would never tell. Kinda ruins the challenge. But not like Máax could resist helping his brethren, or anyone for that matter. Helping others was his Achilles’ heel. Throw a little danger, risk, and rule breaking in there, and he was happier than an evil vampire with an ice-cream truck.

Máax chuckled like a chump. “Fuck it. I don’t have anything better to do.”

Ha! Knew it! Sucka!

“I assume you have another tablet?” he asked. “I will need two in order to travel there and back.” She knew Máax already possessed one tablet, which he’d snagged from that Spanish vampire slash incubus, Antonio, whom their sister Ixtab had hooked up with. As for the other he required, Cimil had a couple stashed away for this very occasion. The tablets were the size of small headstones, a few inches thick, and made of black jade—a rare material mined from caverns beneath the River of Tlaloc, a powerful river of energy that flowed between the human world and the deity realm. In short, a group of evil Mayan priests, known as the Maaskab, had discovered the supernatural material ages ago and learned to manipulate energy with it, mostly dark energy. It did all sorts of wonderful things such as blunt or neutralize a deity’s power or open portals to just about anywhere on Earth at any point in time.

Oh! I should go visit the dinosaurs again!

Really? Did you not learn your lesson last time? Poor, poor dinosaurs. All your fault…

Don’t cry. Don’t cry.

And clearing throat… “Of course I have a tablet! Roberto’s men will give it to you. Oh! And Máax?”

Get ready for one hell of a ride, my dear brother. The SS Ashli is about to disembark, and this voyage is going to make your bad boy, overbloated deity ego whimper like a sissy.

“Yes, Cimil?” Máax rumbled.

“Whatever you do, do not, and I repeat, do not, take the woman from her time. Do you understand? The woman must remain where she is and be allowed to age the old-fashioned way. No exceptions.”

“Do I want to ask why?” he asked.

“No, you do not, but I will tell you anyway. I’m in a gracious mood.” She took a deep, happy breath. “In order for events to play out precisely and stop us from going to war, the woman must remain where she is in 1993. Alive. Any shortcuts or additional changes to the past would create a different outcome.”

“Not following.”

“In other words, the only variable we can impact is her living. Everything else must remain constant or you will create an entirely new future—a new version of our messed-up one. And I do not believe the Universe will throw us another vision bone in time to course correct. Consider this our last tango at the Oh No Corral. Comprende?”

“Sure. Whatever. Not like I give a crap where the woman ends up,” Máax grumbled on his way out the door.

Oh. But soon, he would care. Very, very much. In the meantime…

“Roberto, baby, open this cell and get your ass inside. We only have a few moments before my brethren wake up.”

Estate of Kinich Ahau, the ex–God of the Sun. (A few miles from the prison.)

Máax repeated the year in his head as he stood in a large bedroom of the sprawling southwestern-style home, preparing himself for the journey back in time: 1993, 1993… His brain itched with suspicion. Was this really the end? And was saving some mortal female, who died decades ago, really their last hope? Or was this simply another one of Cimil’s mind games well-timed to a few tremors? He didn’t know.

On the other hand… What else do you have on your plate, ass**le?

Nothing. Besides, either way he was f**ked, his days numbered. He’d broken the gods’ sacred laws so many times that if he went on trial again, which he certainly would if he managed to stop doomsday, then he’d spend eternity in some godsdamned tomb. If he didn’t succeed, well… that would be that.

Wait. What the hell am I godsdamned doing? Sanctis infernus! He was screwed either way, so why wasn’t he off enjoying his final days as a free—albeit, invisible—deity? He could be surfing in Australia or diving off the coast of Belize. He could be wrestling great white sharks in South Africa or playing tic-tac-toe with Minky—one of his favorite pastimes.