Ashes

Despite the fear his words aroused, excitement also slammed hard through her. What he was describing sent her into a tailspin of confusion and need. She shook her head, trying to regain control of her spiraling feelings. She knew she should be afraid of what he was saying, she should be completely against it considering what she was; to have a vampire feeding from her should be the last thing in the world that she wanted.

But wanted it she did. Desperately.

“I also want to change you.”

Horror slammed through her, knocking away all of her desire. Nausea twisted in her stomach, the blood froze in her veins, leaving her hollow and cold. Mouth dropping, she tried to find words, but none would come out. Change her? No, never, she could never be what he was. She could never be a vampire, hunting animals, living on blood.

Living in the dark, being a monster, being one of the things that had killed her parents was not something that she could do. Ever.

Bile rose in her throat. She wanted to stand up, but her legs would not support her. His gaze was fierce on her, but he could not hide the brief flicker of hurt that flashed through his eyes. “Cassie…”

She held up her hand, not sure that she could hear anymore. She needed time to digest what he was saying to her now, never mind hearing anymore. “I can’t,” she managed to choke out. “I can’t.”

He closed his eyes, folding his hands behind his back as he rocked on his heels. He opened his eyes slowly, the stark pain in them nearly breaking her heart. Tears boiled up in her eyes, the anguish radiating from him was almost more than she could bear.

Taking a deep breath, he took a step closer to her, kneeling down so that they were on the same eye level. His gaze was steady on hers, hard, intense. “I either change you, or I leave when this is over,” he said softly.

Terror tore through her; she lurched to her feet, falling before him on the carpet. Reaching out, she grasped hold of him, her fingers digging into his shoulders, fear threatening to choke her. “You can’t,” she whispered, shaking her head forcefully. “You can’t.”

He gently brushed away the tears that spilled rapidly down her face. Tears she hadn’t even known she was shedding. “If I stay, I may change you against your will Cassie. I am unstable around you. You shake me to the very core of my being, rattle me; unravel me. I don’t want to hurt you Cassie, it’s the last thing in the world that I want to do, but I very well might.”

“No,” she breathed. “Never. You would never hurt me.”

He sighed, his hand wrapped around the back of her head, his fingers gently stroked her skull. “Today in the cafeteria…”

“I won’t do anything like that again!”

“So we don’t touch, we don’t kiss, we keep our distance? What kind of a relationship is that Cassie? You deserve so much better, you deserve someone who can love you completely without having to fear that they might snap and turn you into a monster.”

Her tears spilled more freely. His eyes were full of anguish as he continued to gently caress and comfort her. “I can’t lose you, I can’t,” she sobbed. “I didn’t come alive until I met you. I can’t lose you.”

“Shh love, please Cassie, please don’t cry. I’m so sorry; I don’t want to hurt you. I never want to hurt you.”

“Then don’t leave me!”

His eyes were tormented, wracked with pain and anguish. She could see the fierce battle waging within him, the absolute torture that she was putting him through, but she couldn’t stop herself. She couldn’t lose him, she would never survive it. She would die if she lost him, she knew that. He was her other half, her everything.

He nodded briefly, but his were still dark, distant. “Not now,” he promised. “Not with Julian around.”

“But after?” she asked worriedly.

He sighed softly. “After, you are going to have to make a choice. You should be with someone that can give you the life that you deserve. I am not that man Cassie; I am not even a man.”

Horror tore through her again, she tried to shake her head, but he had a firm hold on the back of her skull. His eyes blazed into hers, fierce with his need, anguish, and fear of rejection. She didn’t want to reject him and what he was; she would do anything for him, well almost anything. She simply could not give him that.

Her gaze ran over his glorious face, savoring every detail. He was everything that she had ever dreamed of, and more. No one else would ever make her feel like he did, she couldn’t imagine even kissing another man, let alone having them touch her. The thought repulsed her almost as much as the idea of becoming a vampire. “You are that person. I could never be with anyone else,” she said fervently. “Never.”

Anguish flashed across his face. “Cassie…”

“You can control yourself,” she whispered. “I know it.”

Resignation settled over his features, his thumb began to gently stroke her neck again. “For a little while yes, but I don’t know for how long Cass. You affect me too much, and my need for you grows every day. I know that it will only continue to grow. If I lose complete control, I could hurt someone, or I could force the change on you and that is the last thing that I want to do. But I feel that it might come to that if I continue on this way.”

She bit her bottom lip, trying hard not to start sobbing again. “You will have to make a choice Cassie.”

She closed her eyes as she nodded, unable to meet the hope and fear that radiated from his gaze. Even if it meant losing him, she didn’t think she could do what he was asking of her. In fact, she knew that she couldn’t. Her heart constricted, an ache bloomed throughout her body, seeping into her limbs. It felt as if a hundred needles were piercing her skin, driving the pain into the very marrow of her bones.

She shuddered, her blood having turned to ice, her heart labored to push it through her flayed veins. Slowly opening her eyes, she met his gaze, trying her best to hide the grief tearing through her. She didn’t want to hurt him, she didn’t want to lose him, but this was an impossible, shattering choice that she wasn’t capable of making now. If ever.

In his gaze she saw the realization, the hurt, but there was nothing that she could do to ease it. She could not assure him that he would be the one that she chose. She could not assure him that she would give up sunlight and life, for a cold existence of death and darkness. Not all vampires may be the monsters that she had once believed them to be, but she could not become the thing that had murdered her parents. She could not become the thing she had been birthed to destroy.