Beautiful Disaster

She is silent for a while, but I can tell from the way her lips keep moving haphazardly that she’s trying to find the right words.

"Things between me and him would never have worked out. He should have seen that. Heck, you should have seen that! Friends with benefits who f**k every once in a while when we’re both horny and no one else is at hand, sure, but not living together, not being a couple, not trying to build a family and get old together! I kept trying to make him see that but he wouldn’t, I did every insane thing I could think of to make him realize that we wouldn’t work, but it was as if he had made it the center of his world. He was obsessed with that idea of us, and it killed me every damn day to see him like that.

"For a while I was hoping that Bella would drag him out of it, but for once she didn’t act like she had to save him from me. And you, you weren’t helping with your moping around and hostility, changing moods so quickly it gave me whiplash when I might have tried to talk to you. I was reaching for the last straw when I tried to find a connection between us again, but I couldn’t go on with that, I knew you’d hate me for what I said to Jazz when I broke up with him. Had to, or else he would have found another reason to try to hang on. Do you have any idea how hard it is to repel someone you know loves you and who you, on some level, love back?"

She’s crying by then but only glares at me when I start to get up, so I remain sitting and just watch her as she blows her nose and wipes her eyes until she can talk with a shaky voice again.

"I really don’t want your sympathy, I did what I did and I won’t justify it with any stupid excuses. I got what I deserve, although it was something different than I expected. I got to finally see through all my own bullshit and turn my life around. If getting there cost me my closest friends, I can’t change that. I really am so sorry for what I did and what I said, but it’s done, and I have to move on. If it helps, I never had any problems with the choices you made, or your sexuality. I want no part of it, I don’t understand it, and I guess because of that, aspects of it repel and frighten me. But I know that both you and Jazz are good guys, and if that’s your thing, it can’t be that bad.

"I’m happy for you if you think things will work out for you both with Bella, and I wish you all the best. Yes, I’m resentful of your happiness, but you’ve earned it, and I think that, given enough time and effort on my side, I will either make things work with Nate, or find someone else. I won’t ask you to forgive me because I won’t believe you if you say you do. I’m not that person anymore, and I would love to get to know who you’ve grown up to be if you want to see who I really am, but if not, I will learn to live with that, too."

I hadn’t expected to hear something like that from her ever, and to honor her honesty I don’t say anything, but instead answer her previous question, the weight already lifting from my heart.

"I don’t think there’s anything in the world you could say or do that would make Bella consider you a friend. You ridiculed her twice in front of everyone, you hurt the two people she cares about the most, and to her way of thinking, you’ve already f**ked up your second chance."

Alice takes that in without showing any emotion, then nods for me to go on.

"Jazz – I really don’t know," I sigh. "He’s hurt, damaged even, but I think he’s healing well and finally got the message you were trying to make him see. I don’t know if he could try to be friends with you, or would even want to. I know he doesn’t hate you. I think he still loves you."

I try to be as honest in my assessment as possible, even if the words pain me. Not just because of the sympathy I always feel for him, but mostly because I think I would have acted the same way. Somehow it rankles that while there’s nothing there between them anymore, he still wants her on some level or another. While she tries to remain indifferent, I see the pain in her eyes, and her tone is dejected when she answers.

"Guess that’s more than I could have hoped for. And you?"

That answer is much easier to find, if not exactly easy to give.

"I think I’d like to get to know the new Alice. She reminds me of someone I used to know, but kind of lost contact with over the last few years."

She offers me a weak smile, mirroring my own sentiments perfectly.

"Even if your two plus ones, or is that your plus twos? Whatever, even if they probably disapprove of our association?"

"No one tells me who to see and talk to, and that doesn’t change whether I live with one person or two. They’ll have to get over it. And I know that eventually they will."

I guess the old Alice would have squeed and hugged me now, but the more sober version of her now leaves it at that sad smile.

"Well then, how about we meet for coffee next week again? And if things work out, I might beg you to look after the cat when I’m in London. I can’t really leave him alone and I don’t know too many people who I would want to give the keys of the apartment to, either. Your mom already offered but it’s nearly an hours’ drive for her, and Rose can’t really go outside with the baby when it’s so cold."

"Sure, just tell me and I’ll come over."

"Great. Thanks."

And just like that, we run out of things to talk about. A first for us, but without her constant need to put herself in the limelight, we’ll probably need a little time to find a slightly different dynamic in our conversations.

Still, things are more or less comfortable when we hug good-bye – a warm, close body contact hug, not the air kisses she used to give – and I leave her with the cat on the couch and let myself out. In the hallway, just after donning my coat, I notice a picture frame face down on the mantle of the wardrobe. It’s the only one left in the whole apartment, another weird thing I’ve noticed as she had pictures everywhere before. Curious, I pick it up and turn it over. It’s a picture of the four of us – me, Bella, Alice and Jazz –

from our vacation together in Mexico. Must have been taken on the last day as I’m badly sunburned with freckles all over my nose, Bella is sporting a killer tan, Alice’s hair isn’t impeccably styled, and Jazz is still looking vaguely hungover.

I don’t know why but I feel compelled to stand it up on the wardrobe, leaving it there like that.

Xxx

The talk with Alice has left me drained, but oddly happy at the same time. I keep mulling over what she said on the way back home, trying to come up with a good explanation as to why I didn’t catch on to any of this, but I come up blank. I’ve been too concerned with my own bullshit to deal with hers, and in the end it doesn’t matter as she should have been able to do it on her own, or ask for my help outright.

Seeing that picture in the hallway also made me realize that all of us have been through a journey, each in our own way. Not long after the picture was taken, I fell for Tanya, Bella wavered around until she convinced herself that I would never want her, Alice turned away from all of us because she thought – rightly so – that we were a bunch of immature children, and Jazz dragged along a girl named Brenda. In a way we could have spared ourselves all the years of emotional pain, because a mere six months after that picture was taken we got about to where we are now, minus a lot of experience and a few funny anecdotes, but still.

Somehow that makes me sad at all the wasted time we would never get back, but at the same time it solidifies my conviction that we’ll make it work.

And by "we" I mean Bella, Jazz and myself. Whether things with Alice work out or not is out of my control, and no longer the festering wound that has been plaguing me for months.