Believe (True Believers #3)(47)
Author: Erin McCarthy

Jessica bit her lip. “I don’t know why you would do that either. I mean, we’ve all done stupid shit drunk, but I’ve never blacked out, so I don’t know. I don’t know what I could do that loaded.”

“It was the worst moment of my life waking up and realizing what I had done.” I shuddered.

“So this is why you wanted to move out. Why you stopped drinking and stopped washing your hair. God.” Jessica’s voice was soft, and I couldn’t tell if she felt sympathy or if she was just absolutely disgusted by me.

“Yes.”

“So what was all that with the texts?” she asked. “I mean, you woke up and freaked out and took off, right?”

I nodded.

“And you told Nathan it was a mistake?”

“Yes.” My eyes were puffy and stinging, cheek throbbing from Kylie’s nails, and I welcomed the discomfort. I deserved way worse than a nail raking. “But Nathan doesn’t feel bad about it. He texted me all summer, trying to hook up with me. I told him to stop like multiple times. I thought he had for a while until I started dating Phoenix. For some reason that bothers him and he started again.”

“So what Kylie read was a bunch of sexts from Nathan?”

Nodding, I picked my phone off the floor and handed it to her. Maybe if she knew the whole truth she could be there for Kylie in a way I couldn’t. “Look. I didn’t encourage him in any way. I just wanted him, it, to go away.”

Jessica scrolled through, twin spots of red appearing on her cheeks. “That ass**le. Jesus, poor Kylie . . . God, how could he do this?”

I knew what she seeing. There were two dozen texts saying things like, “Want to see you, taste you. Mmm.” “Had so much fun. Ur a little freak and I love that.” “Bored and horny. U busy?”

My responses were pretty clear. “Not interested. Stop texting.” “It was a mistake, not happening again.”

“What did he write tonight?”

“She texted him that she was thinking about that night and he wrote, and I quote, “Best blow job of my life. Name time & place and lets make it happen again.”

I actually gagged. For a second I thought I might throw up, just right there on the living room floor, all in my own lap. But I took a few huge gulps of air and fought back the nausea and the panic. “He’s an ass**le. Kylie deserves better than this.”

“Hell yeah she does. I wonder if he is texting and hooking up with other girls.”

It wasn’t a thought I’d ever had before, but it didn’t seem like a stretch that he probably was. It seemed to come far too easily for him, with absolutely zero guilt. “I don’t know. I hope not, for her sake. And maybe I should go get STD testing.” That thought hadn’t occurred to me before either. I had just figured I was a drunk mistake that he discovered he enjoyed, not that Nathan was a serial cheater.

“I think that’s a good idea.”

I lost it again, choking on a sob. “If I could take this back, I would. God, I would give anything to undo this. Poor Kylie.”

Jessica looked grim. “Well, now she knows that he’s a dick. She was going to find out sooner or later, whether it was you or someone else.”

“Well, I wish it was someone else if it had to happen at all. Knowing it was me makes it extra awful.”

“I’m texting Rory. We need to make sure Kylie doesn’t do something stupid.” Jessica went for her phone. “Shit, she already texted me. She’s going to find Nathan to confront him. Rory is with her but she wants backup.”

“I can’t go, can I?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“No. That’s not a good idea. Does Phoenix know? You need to give him a heads-up or you might be losing a boyfriend tonight.”

Again I couldn’t tell if she was sympathetic or if she was just thinking out loud. Sniffling, I nodded. “Phoenix knows. I told him what happened.”

Jess looked surprised. “You told him? But you didn’t tell me?” Her tone was hurt. “I asked you point-blank what happened at that party and you told me nothing. This was a whole lot more than nothing.”

“How could I tell you?” I asked, agonized. “Then I would have just put you in the worst position ever. If you kept the secret and Kylie found out, then she might hate you for that. If you told her then she would be devastated. I couldn’t do that to you, force you to keep my secret. It was my horrible mistake and I thought if I just kept a lid on it, eventually it wouldn’t matter anymore.”

“I see your point, but truthfully, Robin, I don’t even know what to think.” Jessica grabbed her purse and headed for the stairs. “Maybe you and Phoenix should stay here tonight and I’ll take Kylie to my place. She needs time.”

“Yeah. Sure. Of course.”

Then she left and I was alone.

Sitting on the floor, face itchy and wet with tears, nose running, throat scratchy, heart breaking, I yanked off my cowboy boots. I thought about texting Phoenix to come over but knew that was selfish. He never got to hang out with his cousins and he was tonight. I didn’t want to ruin that. But the room was so silent, no fridge upstairs to hum, no windows open to traffic, no clock to tick. It was just me and my thoughts, going around and around, thoughts of Kylie never speaking to me again. Thoughts of Jessica and Rory never speaking to me again. Thoughts of Kylie, her heart breaking, the pain she was feeling. So sure that her boyfriend loved her, only to find out he clearly didn’t.

When my boyfriend had cheated on me, it had hurt like hell and that had been high school, that had been a two-month relationship, and by cheat I meant he kissed another girl at a party. Not this. Not betrayal on this level after a year of dating. Kylie and Nathan basically lived together.

And yet, he had done this.

And I had done that.

My eyes fell on the vodka bottle, left on the coffee table. I turned away, texting Jessica and Rory.

Neither answered.

Instead I got a text from Nathan that said, “Fucking cunt. Why did u tell her?”

Closing my eyes, I felt new tears prick at the back of my lids, and I listened to the silence grow louder and louder, my ears ringing.

When I opened my eyes the vodka was still there, shiny and large and within reach of my hand.

If I drank it, I would feel better. The pain, the shame, would ease up. But then tomorrow I would feel worse.

But if I drank it, I would feel better now. And tomorrow I would feel even worse.