Blissful Surrender (Bliss #3)(20)
Author: B.J. Harvey

He nods. “And you enjoy your work?”

I take another long sip of wine to quench my parched throat before answering. “Definitely. I wouldn’t do it otherwise. It’s so fulfilling. I like to think I’m making a difference.”

His expression turns from interest to one full of respect. “I can definitely see you relishing that role. And look how it has brought us back full circle. The two of us, together … having dinner … just two old friends reminiscing.”

“And errant younger brothers who never learn?”

He chuckles. “An unfortunate event that resulted in a positive outcome for at least one of the Miller men. The jury is still out on the fate of the other one.”

I smile and decide it’s now or never if I want to find out about the Sean of my past. “And how about you? After pre-law, you stayed in Chicago?”

“I kind of had to with Ryan and his never ending brushes with trouble. And after our grandfather passed, it just seemed right to stay in the house for a while. We still have it. I rent it to a nice family who take cares of it as if it’s their own.”

And just like that, the elephant in the room makes its quiet entrance.

Knowing it wasn’t intentional, I side step the pang of guilt that sucker punches me at the mention of his grandfather’s death. “I was sorry to hear about your grandfather’s passing.”

He nods but doesn’t speak, his eyes are a different story. They narrow and he tilts his head to the side as if he’s studying me. Feeling unsettled and under the spotlight I continue talking, chastising myself for being so paranoid and tense. “And corporate law? You were looking at criminal practice initially …”

“Mmm hmm. But things change, people change. Corporate law seemed to fit me better. Just like law enforcement seems to fit you.”

I murmur my agreement. I keep picking up on veiled hints of our past, and what I think are subtle barbs disguised as polite conversation. I’m distracted and mentally weighing his words when I’m saved by the bell, or in this case, saved by the waiter bringing us our appetizers.

As we begin to eat, the silence stretches between us. But by GOD is the food delicious. I swear I’m on the verge of a food orgasm. The wonderful mix of flavors are heaven sent.

When we’re finished the appetizers and our plates are taken away, I feel exposed and vulnerable. No, it’s not that I don’t trust the man in front of me. I always did, implicitly. No, I feel emotionally bare, defenseless and open for interrogation. And of course, Sean is not one to disappoint.

“So is there a special man in your life?” he asks, the twitch in his tightened jaw a dead giveaway that the thought grates on him.

Feeling emboldened by the wine, I decide to be completely honest with him, knowing that I’ll be goading a reaction out of him. “Do you think I’d be here if I did?” I reply with a sly smirk. He quirks a brow and I swallow hard before continuing. “There’s someone who I enjoy uncommitted benefits with, but I have no time or inclination for anything more permanent. My career is what is important to me right now.”

His eyes darken and I swear I hear a growl from his side of the table. “What’s his name?” he asks, his voice low and menacing.

“Tanner. Why?” A thrill goes through me at his reaction to another man in my life, and it confuses the hell out of me.

Our main selection arrives and I know this may be my last chance to find out the one thing that has been eating away at me since I first saw Sean again at the hospital.

“And how about you, Sean? Any special lady?”

He doesn’t even flinch at the question, answering without hesitation. “No. My heart was well and truly done for by one woman a long time ago. Haven’t had the time or desire to try for anything else since.”

I fill my fork with food and stuff my mouth with it, willing the earth to swallow me up whole. This conversation is f**king with my head and my emotions.

Thankfully, we’re soon too busy eating to continue the interrogation. It’s not to say that we don’t exchange pleasantries and light banter. That side of things was always easy for the two of us. Our issues stem from the deeper stuff, the wants and desires and hopes for the future. Or more importantly, my denial about my sexual submissiveness. There’s also the fact that I let someone who should have known better poison my mind and belittle the love I had for him, twisting it into something I was told I had no business selling myself short for.

By the time our plates are cleared away at the end of the meal, and the bottle of wine has been long emptied, I’m too blissed out from the food orgy I’ve just experienced to notice a shift in Sean’s mood. He calls for the bill, and hands over his platinum card to the Maître d’ before standing up, holding out his hand and pulling me up until my body is flush with his.

“I had a good time tonight. But I’m still wondering why we had to miss out on ten years of spending time together like this. If you’re agreeable, I’d like to walk off some of this food stupor and talk honestly with each other about what happened back then.” He places his hand on the small of my back and pushes firmly. Without realizing, I’m soon moving forward and walking out the front door with him.

As soon as the cool night air hits my skin I freeze, realizing what just happened. This is what I’d been wanting to avoid. This is what I didn’t want to face. He watches me intently, not missing the moment my body goes rigid.

“I … uh …”

“Sammy.” There goes that name again. The one that has the power to turn me to mush in two syllables. I feel the tension in my body ease slightly and automatically lean toward him. His eyes soften as he continues, “I’m not going to tie you up and spank you, Sam … well, not until you admit you want me to. Even if the thought of your red glowing ass under my hand turns me on …”

That instantly gets my back up again. Who the hell does he think he is saying he wants to spank my ass red? That’s going too damn far.

I cannot deny that there have been times over the years when I have contemplated looking Sean up, but I’ve always stopped myself before googling his name because of the shame I feel when I think back to what I did. And now he’s standing here in all his dominant, commanding, handsome glory asking me to walk with him and talk about what happened.

I just can’t do it.

I feel the warmth of his body against mine and the slut part of my brain tries to reason with the rational side that there would be no harm, no foul if I just let Sean have his wicked way with me. Then a small sliver of clear thinking shines through and I realize that I need to get out of this situation and fast. I change from my sexy panties to my bitch panties, pulling back my shoulders and looking him straight in the eye.