Bringing Maddie Home(10)
Author: Janice Kay Johnson

“Let me take your coats.” Her father sounded shaken and his eyes never left her. As they unzipped, he raised his voice. “Helen?”

Nell let Colin take her parka, grateful for his warmth at her back. Let me support you, he’d said, and meant. Not something she was used to.

Her gaze stayed trained on the doorway to the living room. A moment later, a woman appeared in it. She wore wool slacks and a sweater that had to be cashmere. Her blond, chin-length hair was elegantly styled. She’d aged more than her husband had, but oh…that face was so familiar. From memories, and from Nell’s own mirror.

“Mom?” Nell managed to say, past the lump in her throat.

Helen’s shock was even greater than her husband’s, or only more visible. Her hand flew to her throat and she stared for the longest time before tears flooded her blue eyes. “Maddie?”

“Yes,” she said again.

“Oh, dear God.” She sagged and her husband went to her side and put an arm around her. “We thought…”

“I know.”

Nell had braced herself for her mother, at least, to want to hug her. Instead, Helen visibly pulled herself together and reached her hand out, but the gesture was tentative. Nell took her hand and waited for some deep sense of connection, but nothing came. There was an emptiness as she realized she could be clasping a complete stranger’s hand.

It was a relief when her mother let her go.

“This is…such a surprise. Marc? Did you know?”

“No. Please,” he said again, gesturing toward the living room. Looking at Colin, he said, “You found her.”

“By chance,” Colin agreed. He rested a casual hand on Nell’s back and took the seat right beside her on the sofa.

Yes, I know this room, too, although the sofa is new. Or only reupholstered?

Taking a wing chair, her father stared at her. “This is… I don’t even know what to say. I’ve always believed… You can’t know what it means to us to have you home again.”

She felt like a long-lost daughter, home again, and yet she also had a peculiar sense of distance, almost as if she were hovering over the scene. Thinking, He’s saying the right things, but I can’t tell what he really feels.

“Thank you,” she said politely. Out of the corner of her eye, she stayed aware of Colin, so large and solid. His hand lay casually on the cushion only inches from hers. She wanted to grab it and hold on.

“I don’t understand this,” her mother blurted. “Where have you been? How could you disappear and not so much as call? Do you have any idea what you did to us?”

Colin studied her mother with a sort of clinical interest. Even with his dysfunctional family background, he’d clearly expected her parents to throw themselves at her, weeping. Instead… Well, even Nell didn’t quite know whether they were in shock, were only mildly pleased to see her, or were angry because she’d been so inconsiderate as to shame them in front of the world for losing their daughter. Perhaps they were simply very reserved people. That felt right when she thought about it. She couldn’t summon a memory of being hugged.

“I suffered a head injury,” she said, her own reserve as bottomless. Nature or nurture? she asked herself, in one of those fleeting, totally irrelevant diversions. “When I woke up, I had no idea what my name was. I eventually created a new identity and a new life. My name is Nell.”

“You’ve lived all these years without knowing you’re Maddie?”

“Yes.”

Colin must have moved his hand, slightly, but enough so that it brushed hers.

Marc’s dark eyes fastened on him. “How did you find her?”

“I happened to see her interviewed on a local television show in Seattle. I tracked her down, and we talked.”

“In Seattle? You were up there for some kind of conference, weren’t you? But that was a couple of weeks or more ago!”

“That’s right.” He wasn’t bothering to sound apologetic.

“You didn’t think we’d want to know our daughter was alive?”

“The decision to come home or not was Nell’s. I gave her my word I’d let her make it.”

Her father’s gaze swung back to her. “Maddie. Goddamn it, your name is Maddie,” he said fiercely.

“I haven’t been Maddie in a very long time. My memory of her is still shaky. Incomplete. I’ve asked Colin—Captain McAllister—to call me Nell.”

“In this house you’re Maddie.”

She nodded, because what else could she do?

Her mother’s shock seemed to have been renewed. “You don’t remember us at all?”

“My memories are scattered. Once Colin told me who I was, I went on the internet and looked at pictures of you. I recognized you then, from those memories. I think I was very frightened the night I left home, maybe even before I was attacked. Even after all these years, I was afraid to come back, to reveal myself. My silence may seem cruel to you, but…” She couldn’t go on.

Colin chose that moment to enclose her hand in his, the clasp warm and strong, the comfort and support she so desperately needed. This was the first time they’d touched, bare skin to bare skin. It felt so right that relief and something more powerful flooded her.

Both her parents looked at their clasped hands. Her mother’s eyes widened and her father’s disapproval was obvious.

“I assume you have your bags in the car.”

Colin’s grip tightened.

“No.” She tried very hard to sound regretful. “I don’t mean to hurt you, but… This is a big step for me. I’m hoping to spend time with you, but I’m not ready to come home as if I am Maddie unchanged. I’ve taken a leave from my job, long enough that I thought it best to find an apartment.” She was careful not to look at Colin.

“That’s ridiculous!” Marc exclaimed. “This is your home! You have a bedroom upstairs.” His voice softened. “We haven’t changed a thing.”

For the first time, she had to blink hard to hold back tears. “I’d really like to see it. Another time, though. I just arrived today, and I guess I’m feeling a little overwhelmed.”

This silence was not a comfortable one. She was beginning to wonder if her parents’ odd reaction to her was only the result of shock.

“Can you tell me about Felix?” she asked tentatively. “He’s not home, is he?”

“Do you remember him?” her father asked.

She gave a flicker of a smile. “The same way. Fleeting memories. But they’re all good ones.” Suddenly afraid of how that sounded, she hurried on. “May I see a picture of him?”

“Certainly.” Her mother rose, the movement seeming stiff, and turned to the fireplace. Several framed photos held pride of place on the mantel. “This is the most recent.” She brought one in a silver frame to Nell. “We keep yours there, too. We’ve never lost hope.”

Nell’s vision blurred and she bent her head. Yes, she had hurt her mother, at least, and yet she couldn’t seem to take her at face value. This scene still felt wrong, the undercurrents tugging at her.

She accepted the framed photo and gazed down at it. A handsome young man looked back at her, although she could see in him the skinny boy she remembered. He resembled their father and not Helen at all, with his dark hair and brown eyes. Wearing graduation robes, he was laughing, the hat with tassel in one hand.

“Where did he go to school?” she asked.

“Willamette.” Marc said it with pride. “He’s still there, in law school.”

They talked more about him, their voices gradually relaxing as if Felix were a comfortable subject for them. He was halfway through law school. His—her—parents hoped he would come home to central Oregon to practice. To Bend, if not to Angel Butte.

“I don’t think he has entirely decided what kind of law to pursue,” Helen said. “Of course, your father had hoped he would be interested in taking over the resort, but it seems that won’t come to be.”

Nell handed the picture to Colin, who released her hand to take it. He studied it as carefully as she had, then set it on the coffee table.

“I don’t suppose you made it to college,” Marc observed.

Nell’s chin rose at what she interpreted as a dismissive tone. “Actually, I did. I have a degree in psychology with a minor in English from the University of Washington.”

“Really.”

Another drawn-out pause was more than she could take. She shot to her feet without any forethought. “I’m really tired from the drive. Can we get together tomorrow? Mom—” Why was it so hard to say a word that should come naturally? “Maybe we can have lunch tomorrow.”

Shock seemed to have frozen both their faces, but they stood, too.

“Yes, of course,” her mother said. “Perhaps we could go to the Newberry Inn. You always loved it.”

She smiled, unwilling to admit she didn’t remember the inn. “Twelve-thirty? Why don’t we meet there?”

Colin moved even faster than she did. He was holding out her parka by the time she reached the front door, and helped her into it before putting on his own.

Marc held out his hand to Colin. “Thank you for bringing Maddie to us.”

“I’m glad I was able to.”

The two men shook. He nodded at Nell’s mother. “Mrs. Dubeau.”

“My husband has mentioned you. You were one of the police officers who came to talk to us the night Maddie disappeared, weren’t you?”

“Yes, I was. Brand-new on the force.”

“Maddie?” Her father touched her arm, his expression softer. “We’ve dreamed about this. You walking in the door. We’re more grateful than you can know to have you here.”

She nodded and offered a smile that wobbled. Tears burned her eyes again. “Yes. It’s been…” She didn’t know what it had been and gave up the attempt to put her complicated feelings into words. “Um…good night.”

Again, Colin guided her down the porch steps and the walkway, this time with a hand on her back. He unlocked his big SUV and came around to the passenger side with her, as if unsure she could get in without help.

A moment later, they were backing out, Nell very aware of her parents still standing on the porch, watching them go.

* * *

COLIN KEPT AN anxious eye on Nell during the drive home. She stared straight ahead, her hands locked together on her lap.

A block or so from the Dubeau home, he observed, “Not quite what I expected.”

“No” was all she said, in a small, almost stricken voice.

He stayed silent after that, thinking she needed time to absorb the reunion with her parents.

But when they got home and she immediately headed for the staircase to the apartment, he said brusquely, “You don’t need to be alone yet, Nell. Come and have a cup of coffee with me. We can talk as much or as little as you want.”

She stopped, her back to him. It was a long time before she turned and nodded. Even given that the outdoor lighting leached color from the scene, her face was ghostly pale, her eyes huge and dark.

Colin took her arm again, more to reassure himself that she was here and real than because he thought she needed the physical support.

He left her in the living area while he put coffee on to brew, but was able to watch as she wandered, studying the books on his shelves rather than sitting down. When he joined her, she glanced at him.

“You’re a reader.”

“I am. I use the library plenty, but I like owning books, too.”

“You haven’t graduated to an eReader yet?”

“I’m digging in my heels,” he said, going for relaxed. If she needed to ground herself with the commonplace, that was what they’d do. “If I did a lot of traveling, I’d probably want one. As it is, I like the feel and look and smell of books. I’ve never been a fan of reading lengthy documents on my computer. You?”

“I love books, too.” She gave a small, choked laugh. “I guess you know that.”

He smiled. “You dropped some at my feet the first time we met.”

“So I did.” Her smile widened, then faded as she searched his face with huge, desperate eyes. “Thank you for coming with me. I might have chickened out if you hadn’t been there.”

“Dragging you up to the door?” He smiled again. “You marched right up there without any pressure from me. You’d have done it, Nell.”

She jerked one shoulder. “Maybe. I don’t know. I panicked at the end. You probably noticed—I practically ran out.”

“The whole visit was awkward.”

“Yes.” She nibbled on her lower lip. “I was afraid they’d weep and want to clutch me, but…instead they were so stiff. I don’t know which is worse.”

He understood. She had to be wondering right now how glad her parents were for her to come back from the dead.

“Maybe my being there inhibited them.”

She looked away. “If you had spent years fearing your sister was dead, and she came knocking on your door, would you even notice another person was with her?”

A question he didn’t want to answer. “What matters is how you felt, Nell. Did alarms go off? Memories stir? What do your instincts say about their reaction?”

He knew he’d taken the right tack when the most obvious of her distress eased and her eyes unfocused, as though she were replaying a movie in her head.

“Let me pour the coffee,” he said.

Returning a minute later, he set both mugs on the coffee table, but chose to sit in a chair facing her rather than beside her on the sofa. Some distance might be healthy for him. He was feeling entirely too much for a woman he had seen briefly two weeks ago, then had dinner with tonight. Barely an acquaintance.