Bringing Maddie Home(31)
Author: Janice Kay Johnson

“Angel,” she whispered.

He went still. “What?”

“Angel. Somebody called me angel.”

“Has anybody since you got here?”

She shook her head as well as she could without removing her cheek from his shoulder.

“Okay,” he said. “Do you remember the rest? Do you want to tell me?”

His hands were moving up and down her back, the patterns soothing. Here and there he’d stop to knead, seeming to find every knot.

“No,” she mumbled. “Can’t remember.” Not entirely true. I won’t, I won’t, still whispered in her head.

She’d hated whatever was done to her then. Through the murk of her memory she knew it had been a man. Still, she’d somehow been able to respond positively to Beck, and now to Colin.

Colin was different than anyone she’d ever known. His gentleness extraordinary for a man who had admitted to a capacity for violence, who had tried hard to close himself off emotionally.

I love him, she thought, this time with no doubt but plenty of misgiving. You’re safe with me, he kept saying, but for how long?

He was here now. Now mattered. The turbulence inside coalesced into a desperate need for the ultimate closeness. She needed to feel him deep inside her, to know that moment when he came, when she was his whole world—if only fleetingly.

Nell lifted her head enough to kiss the taut skin stretched over his powerful pectoral muscles. Encountering dampness from her tears, she licked it.

He went absolutely still, not even breathing. But he couldn’t control his reaction to her. She felt him swelling beneath her belly.

When he did move, it was to yank her up so their mouths could meet. No gentleness now, only hunger and urgency. His tongue stroked deep. So fast, she wanted more. She straddled his body, squirmed until she rode atop the long, hard length of his penis.

He wrenched his mouth away. “Wait! Condom.”

The words blurred, scrambled. She didn’t care, only wanted him. She fought to get in position even as he rolled them sideways and somehow reached around her into the drawer.

“Sweetheart, lift up.” With his help, she did. A brief tearing sound, then his hands gripped her hips. “Now.”

He slid into her, as deep as she’d craved. Being on top, in control, obliterated the helplessness she’d felt in the nightmare. The sense of helplessness that had ruled her life for so many years.

Her cli**x came in a blaze of triumph: body, mind, heart.

With a guttural cry, he thrust up into her, deeper yet, and let himself go.

Let himself feel helpless, so I can be triumphant. Colin was a man confident enough to do that.

All the strength left her, and she seemed to melt over his solid body. Nell’s happiness was profound. It prickled behind her eyelids like tears that weren’t.

“Maddie,” he whispered, drowsy and sated, and she froze.

He’d called her Maddie before, too, she remembered in shock. When she came out of the nightmare.

While she had been reveling in her newfound belief in the woman she’d become, he had soothed and made love to the lost girl he’d saved. To Maddie, not Nell.

Nell scrambled off him in instant, horrified reaction. “I’m not Maddie!”

“What in hell?” He reared up.

“You called me Maddie.” She all but fell out of bed, suddenly feeling nak*d in a way that made her ashamed of herself. She swooped to grab something light on the floor and realized it was his shirt. Hands shaking, she put it on and began buttoning as he turned on the lamp. Nell turned away to protect her eyes, and herself, too. She was buttoning the shirt askew, she realized, but didn’t care. The tails came almost to her knees.

“It was…unconscious.”

She spun to face him. “I know it was! That makes it worse, don’t you see?”

“Nell.” His voice was insultingly calm, although his gray eyes were as stormy as she felt. Angry, confused, regretful? “You are Maddie, too.”

She knew she was overreacting, but couldn’t seem to help herself.

“You said you understood.”

“I do. It slipped out, that’s all. Felix and Duane were calling you Maddie all evening.” The words were okay, the tone not.

She felt patronized. “I thought you were the one person here who saw me….” Her voice broke. “But I was wrong.” She headed for the bathroom, where she’d left her clothes earlier.

Colin got out of bed and started forward to cut her off. “You weren’t wrong.” Now his voice had an edge, as if he were getting irritated because the whole pat-her-on-the-head, soothe-her thing hadn’t worked.

Call her irrational, but now anger supplanted hurt. She spun to face him. “Maddie was a kid, and I still don’t know her very well. What’s more, I’m not sure I like her. How she handled her problems. What she let happen to her. She’s inside me, but I’m not her. And I’m beginning to think you still see me as that poor, pathetic girl whose picture you had up all those years. What is this all about, triumph because you found me? Isn’t sex how men celebrate victories?”

Looking stunned, he fell back a step. His Adam’s apple bobbed. “It’s not like that.” His voice was quiet, as shocked as his expression. The uncertainty she heard in it was more than she could bear.

“I’m going back to the apartment.”

“Don’t do that, Nell. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“I need to be alone.” She shoved her feet into her shoes, gathered up her things and even stormed into the bathroom to grab her toothbrush. “I should never have…”

“Don’t say that.” He sounded devastated, the confidence she’d believed so entirely in shattered. “Nell, it was a slip of the tongue.”

She shook her head hard. “Don’t lie. You know it was more than that. And maybe I’m making too big a deal out of this, but…I can’t help it.”

She rushed from the room before she could start crying. She didn’t stop for her parka, only her bag. She groped and found her keys, then sprinted down his porch steps and across the yard, hardly feeling the cold.

Even so, she was shivering by the time she climbed the steps to the apartment. Instead of adjusting the thermostat, though, she simply dropped everything and climbed into bed, huddling in a ball until her body could create a cocoon of warmth beneath the heap of covers.

She felt so much hurt, so much confusion. Grief even.

I made a fool of myself, she thought, but then pictured his face when he’d claimed she’d misunderstood. He’d tried to hide guilt, but it was there.

He wanted, maybe even loved Maddie Dubeau. And Nell knew that, even if she recovered every last memory, she would never be Maddie again. She didn’t want to be! After being born again, she’d defined herself. She was Nell.

And she wished, more than she’d wished anything in her life, that Colin loved her.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

SLUGGISH AND HEAVY-EYED, Nell dragged herself out of bed late in the morning. It was nearly eleven before she checked her phone and discovered she had a couple of messages.

The first was from Colin. “Nell, we need to talk. I think you misunderstood last night—but I admit to moments of confusion,” he said gruffly. “I wish we could have that talk right now. Bystrom has just resigned, though, and I’ve been appointed acting police chief. I need to meet with the mayor and city attorney, then bring myself up to speed with whatever was sitting on Bystrom’s desk. Will you stay home? Or at least, if you’re going anywhere, call and let me know your plans? Whatever you do, don’t let yourself be alone with anyone but maybe your mother. And Hailey or Emily, of course.” There was a pause. “Damn. I want to see you, not be leaving a message.” His voice was suddenly explosive, frustrated. “I don’t know if I’ll always be able to answer the phone today. Text me if it’s important.”

Beep.

“Maddie, this is your mother. I’m hoping you will come to dinner tonight. Whatever you may believe, we are happy beyond words to have you home.” There was the tiniest of pauses in the stilted speech. “I regret giving you any other impression. Please let me know if you can make it.”

End of messages.

Nell listened to both again. To Colin’s just to hear his voice, to realize he sounded as ragged as she felt. To her mother’s in disbelief.

Acting police chief. Despite her turmoil, she was glad for him. She knew he was smart, kind, fair and ethical, capable of the necessary dispassion as well as being stern and even hard, but he’d have to be, wouldn’t he?

He wasn’t dispassionate where she was concerned, and she was glad of that. We need to talk.

Apparently her parents wanted to talk, too, which surprised her. As wretched as Nell felt, another uncomfortable get-together with them was the last thing she wanted to do, but of course she had to go. Spending time with them was part of her quest to remember. Besides, while she was obviously never going to have an ideal relationship with them, they were her parents. The family she’d envied her friends having. And surely dining with her parents would be on Colin’s list of approved activities.

What was more, it might get her out of having that talk with him tonight. She didn’t think she was ready.

After having a stiff little conversation with her mother, Nell texted Colin to let him know her plans. An hour later, she got one in return, demanding details. Rolling her eyes, she told him what time she was expected and that she planned to drive herself. All right, he responded. Don’t know how late I’ll be tied up.

Midafternoon, Felix texted to let her know he was back in Salem. He suggested she come over to visit him for a few days. The idea sounded extraordinarily appealing except for the fact that she’d lose some of her limited remaining time with Colin.

Assuming they were going to be spending time together.

She was even more embarrassed today. She could see why he’d slipped; he might have even called her Maddie over dinner, because the other two were, and she hadn’t even noticed. She had trouble sometimes distinguishing between Maddie thoughts and Nell thoughts. And yet…she did need to know why he was attracted to her. Whether it was mostly Maddie he felt compelled to protect. What he meant about being confused.

Tomorrow, she thought, but knew better. When she got home tonight, his porch light would be on, and he would step out, waiting for her to cross the yard to him. And she wouldn’t be able to resist going. She didn’t even want to resist him.

She spent half an hour browsing job openings in Angel Butte and neighboring towns. Just out of curiosity, she told herself. Salary ranges in the libraries tended to be lower than in Seattle, but not by much. She looked wistfully at an opening for a librarian—master’s degree required—but then spotted one for Deschutes Public Library for a supervisor in a branch library that didn’t require the degree but was essentially the same work. She had the qualifications they were asking for, and the commute wasn’t impossible from Angel Butte….

And you are crazy, she told herself flatly as she closed the website, to even let yourself think you might have a reason to stay in Angel Butte.

She showered and changed into decent pants and a sweater, and used a couple of clips to pull her hair back in wings to each side. A touch of makeup, and she decided she looked respectable enough for her mother.

Nell hated the fact that it was already dark. Even at home she didn’t like leaving work in the dark. The world felt a lot scarier at night.

Because whatever bad thing happened had been in the dark.

That made sense—but human instinct in general was to be more cautious after nightfall, and for good reason.

She locked the house carefully. Just as she got to her car, headlights turned into the driveway. Colin, she thought with hope and relief. Until that moment, she hadn’t realized how alone she’d felt today.

The headlights blinded her. She squinted, trying to make out the shape of the vehicle. It didn’t seem quite right. On a niggle of apprehension, she turned and tried to get the key in the lock of her car, but she was still seeing stars and kept stabbing metal. If she could just get in, lock the doors, then she could roll the window down a little to greet whoever this was….

It was a car, she saw as it pulled in, blocking hers from backing out. She got the key in just as the driver’s side door of the sedan opened and someone stepped out. “Maddie? Good, I caught you.”

That sounded friendly. She hesitated, recognizing the man who came toward her. “Uncle Duane?”

“I thought I could drive you to your parents instead of both of us going separately.”

The motion-activated light lit his face harshly. Her apprehension deepened into something stronger: fear that wanted to become panic.

“I’m meeting Colin after dinner,” she said. “Why don’t I follow you?”

“I’d rather you come with me,” he said, closing on her fast.

She wrenched open her car door, then felt shattering pain.

* * *

SUNDAY OR NOT, he’d been trapped in meetings for hours. Now Colin sat at Bystrom’s desk trying to get a handle on the urgent issues. He’d long since lost the ability to concentrate, though.

Nell would be at her parents’ by now, he told himself. Rushing home wouldn’t do him any good.

This state of distraction wasn’t normal for him. If a month ago he’d had the right to take over this desk, he’d have been immersed until midnight and been up at 6:00 a.m. and ready to go again tomorrow. He was capable of sustained, intense focus—usually.

Instead, here he was staring without any understanding at the coming week’s calendar presumably maintained by the assistant to the police chief. His intention was to cancel anything unnecessary; he’d need to start the week by making the rounds internally. Brian Cooper first thing tomorrow morning, then lieutenants, sergeants, heads of support departments. So decide what can be put off.