Collision Course
The Intervention
Her eyes widened as she looked at me, and I realized I had a mean sneer on my face. I adjusted it into what I hoped was a calmer look. Her brow brunched at seeing it and I thought that maybe I was failing. I began to shake my head at her. "No, I don't want to go back there."
She tilted her head, still confused, and then her mouth dropped a little when she understood. Her eyes narrowed at me, partly concerned, but partly a little irritated too. "You don't want to go home?" She shook her head. "Because of what Josh said about your mom?" She put a hand on my arm and leaned into me. "It was probably just another stupid rumor." She shook her head again, her softening curls brushing her velveteen shoulders. "No more truth to it than Brittany seeing you drinking that night."
I swallowed and closed my eyes at that remembered revelation as to why so many people believed the lies about me. Brittany was popular around here - Queen Bee, top of the herd, big fish in a very tiny pond - people were prone to believe the things that she said. No wonder no one believed my halfhearted attempts at denial.
I opened my eyes and shook my head, tiredness and sadness winning out over my anger. "I just can't be there right now, Sawyer. I just can't be somewhere where she is." I swallowed again and gave her pleading eyes. "Can I...can I stay with you tonight?" I whispered the last part, not knowing how she'd react to that after our heated moment at the dance.
She sighed and her hand came up to run down my face. She must have noticed something in my features. Maybe that my anger had faded into melancholy, maybe that I was barely keeping it together, maybe that there was no way I could handle being alone right now. For whatever reason, she bit her lip and nodded. "Yeah, alright. You'll have to sneak in though."
I nodded and relaxed back in my seat. She looked me over for another moment before twisting back to the wheel and starting to drive. We turned the opposite direction of my house from the parking lot and I felt a moment of guilt that Sawyer went out of her way to come get me every day. Just another thing I had to apologize to her for. As gloom settled over me, I wondered why she bothered with me at all. What did I give her but confusion and heartache? She should be with someone else, someone who could give her what she wanted. Someone who could love her the way she deserved to be loved. Someone not...broken.
I sighed out the window as I watched the town go by and felt her hand come over to grab mine. Feeling like our no contact rule was so shattered at this point that it didn't even really matter anymore, I grasped it back kind of hard. Her thumb stroked circles into my hand, urging me to relax and I let my grip loosen a little bit.
"Hey, you want to talk about...anything?" she asked, giving me concerned glances while she drove.
I shook my head, muttering, "No...nothing to say really."
She sighed and I looked over at her. Her face looked a little frustrated and she was biting her lip. I knew I'd said a lot tonight that I usually didn't say and she wanted to talk about it. She wanted to delve into me and open all those scars, so she could help me heal, much like Mrs. Ryans, but she was respectful enough of our friendship to still not press me about it. I appreciated her for that, and felt bad at the same time.
Just when I was about to ask her what she wanted me to talk about first, she changed the subject on me. "Did you hear Randy?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at me.
I frowned and tried to think back to what she was talking about, but all I could remember about the evening was Josh. Josh and his cruel words.
I shook my head and she clarified. "He apologized, Luc, for drugging you. He said it over and over." She looked to the road quickly and then back to me, narrowing her eyes. "You didn't hear that?" I shook my head again and she sighed, a soft, sad smile coming to her lips. She turned back to the road. "I told you he felt bad. I told you not everyone is against you. I mean, you saw the way he was holding Josh back." Her eyes came to mine again, warmth in the gray depths. "He was trying to help you, Lucas."
A surprising flash of jealousy swept through me at the look in her eye when she talked about Randy. I didn't like seeing it. I rolled my eyes and stared out the window. We were getting more into the countryside, the houses spaced farther and farther apart. Sawyer apparently did live in the middle of nowhere. As more guilt filled into me over how far she went to help me each day, bitterness entered my tone.
"Yeah, nothing but helpful...Randy."
She sighed and slowed the car, pulling along a road that had empty grass fields on either side of it. I looked around at where we were and then looked over at her, confused. She didn't acknowledge my confusion, only twisted in her seat to face me.
"He tried to apologize to you at the dance and I know he's wanted to, even before that." Her tone got that sage sound to it and I sighed at hearing it. That made her furrow her brow. "He feels really horrible for getting you suspended, but he hasn't been able to say sorry, because you always blow him off."
I raised my eyebrows at that and was about to protest, but she shook her head and didn't let me finish. "Maybe not intentionally, Luc, but you walk around with your head down, not really noticing anything or anybody." Her face softened and she put her hand on my still slightly wet knee. "I know you're doing it to protect yourself, but not everyone hates you here." She looked down and shyness entered her voice. "Some of us even love you," she whispered.
Her adorable look calmed my nerves, but her words brought a buried ache to the surface. People laughing, teasing, tormenting me...none of them cared. She was wrong. I shook my head at her, and my voice came out harder than I intended it to. "You don't know what you're talking about. You've only been here a few months. I've been around these people my whole life."
She looked up, surprised at my tone. "I know..."
Irritated at myself for sort of snapping at her, I added, "I thought you hated these people...isn't that what you said."
She shrugged and looked away, tucking a loose lock of hair behind her ear. Her face looked torn, like she didn't want to continue this conversation, but sort of felt that we needed to have it. I didn't really want to have it. I wanted her to agree with me that everyone sucked, and hold me in her arms all night while I cried over my miserable existence. But, then again, maybe I was just wallowing in pity at the moment.
"That was before I got to know some of them." She peeked up at me out of the corner of her eye. "The people in the club aren't so bad, and other people have approached me at the games and stuff." As I cocked my head at her, she faced me fully and smiled softly. "They ask about you, you know, because they know we're close. They ask if you're okay."
I had a snappy retort on my tongue, but swallowed it when what she'd said registered with me. "They...ask about me? If I'm...okay?" I don't know why, but it shocked me that anyone but her would care enough to ask about my mental state.
Her face softened even more and she brought her hand to my cheek, sweeping her thumb around my eye. "Yeah. Some people just don't know what to say to you, others are giving you your space to grieve." She dropped her hand as my mouth fell open, slightly shocked. She cringed as she shrugged again. "But you don't talk to anyone, Luc, no one but me. You walk around with your head down and ignore everybody. It makes you unapproachable. People just aren't sure what to do around you."
I looked away, absorbing that. So my isolation was my fault now? I sniffed and softly said, "Now you really sound like my counselor." I shook my head, still not looking at her, still picturing all the people I encountered in my day. I didn't see any of them the way she described.
"What people?" I whipped my head back to her, a frown on my lips. "The people who whisper about me and ridicule me? The ones that laugh when Will trips me or urge Josh to kick my ass...those people?" I shrugged, tossing my free hand into the air.
She sighed, her hand holding mine, clenching it tight. "No, Luc." She leaned into me again, momentarily resting her head against mine. "You are only seeing what you want to see...not everyone's like that." She pulled back to look at me, her eyes soft with compassion.
I shook my head at her, not understanding how we could view the same school so differently. "Why would I want to see that? Why would I want people to hate me?" I whispered, heat entering back into my voice.
She stared at me for long seconds before finally sighing and sweeping some unruly hair off my forehead. Shaking her head she said, "I don't know. Maybe...because you hate you."
My mouth dropped open again and she swept her hand around to my cheek, cupping it again. I sputtered for something to say, but couldn't focus. I couldn't find any argument with that. I did sort of hate me. I didn't really blame anyone else in the school for feeling what I did. But she was wrong...there was no compassion for me in that school. No friendship to be had, but hers.
Blinking sudden tears from my eyes, I swept my gaze out over the windshield at the empty fields around us. The emptiness suddenly felt metaphoric in a startlingly horrid way. "Why are we out here," I whispered, speech finally returning to me.
She dropped her hand from my face and pointed to a tiny light suspended in the near darkness, yards up the road from us. "That's my house." She looked back to me, her eyes looking apologetic. "Sorry, but you're gonna have to get out here and sneak through the fields." I nodded and looked out over the dark expanse between us and the light. I wondered how often I'd trip and fall along the way.
She let go of my hand and pointed again to the house. "My room is downstairs, in the basement level." She looked over my frame. "I'm pretty sure you'll fit through the window. I'll open it so you'll know which one."
I nodded and moved to crack my door. She grabbed my hand as I pushed it open. "Lucas." I looked back at her expectantly and she bit her lip. "I'll see you in a little bit." I nodded and headed out into the darkness.
I closed her door behind me and then watched as she pulled away, her taillights driving into the distance. Up the road, she swung into the driveway of her home, the headlights splashing onto an older style, two-story farmhouse. Well, I guess three-story if she lived in the basement level. I hoped I would fit through the window. Sneaking through the house didn't sound like fun.
Bracing myself for a few trip-ups through the long, dark grass lying between us, I inhaled a deep breath and headed out to meet back up with her.
By the time I got through the field, and to the dark corner of the house where Sawyer had indicated that her room was, I did indeed have two or three splotches of mud on me, including a rather embarrassing one on my ass. I brushed myself off the best I could and cautiously approached the house. I ducked down into a crouch and then shook my head and straightened back up. Being shorter wasn't going to make me any less visible, and really, looking like a lurker would only increase the chances of Sawyer's parents calling the cops if they happened to spot me.
Walking over the soft, shorter grass of her lawn, I studied the dark rectangles of the bottom level windows. On the very back corner of the house there was one that had been opened for me. I glanced up at the first and second story windows, but everything was still dark inside. No giant-like shadow pacing on patrol, protecting the teenager's virtue within. Although, with what Sawyer had confessed to me tonight, my virtue would be the only one left in the house. Super.
I crouched down at the window and began to slide it farther open. It squeaked horribly and a "shhh" answered me from inside. Trying for silence, I carefully pushed it open the rest of the way. Most basement rooms have those odd half windows that push out and make access nearly impossible, but these windows had been converted to more traditional, although, still smaller windows. Either her parents or the previous owners hadn't wanted whoever lived in these rooms to be trapped down there if there was a fire. The unwelcome side effect of that was evident, as my body just slipped through the opening - a fire escape also served as the perfect "afterhours" boy's entrance.
I hopped down into Sawyer's room and smiled as I looked around. It was only sort of what I'd expected it to be. Her furniture was white and, although clearly hand-me-downs, were sort of grownup looking. But the curtains and bedding looked like a set for a younger girl, almost pre-teen, with shades of hot pink, neon green, and lavender. The walls were all painted in an infant-like shade of pink, almost like her dad was trying to keep her his baby girl through latex. The half dozen posters of various rock groups tacked up on those pink walls, would make it seem that her dad was failing with that.
CDs and their cases littered her desk, which had an older looking CD player on it along with her school bag. A bookcase beside her bed was overflowing with books - classic novels, romances, and that writer who wrote those mysteries where all the titles started with a different letter in the alphabet. She had up to M, as far as I could tell. Unlike my room, there were no clothes laying around the floor, all of them neatly in her drawers or in her closet, and her bed was neatly made, a faded white teddy bear sitting on her pillow.
She grabbed that teddy bear as she watched my eyes linger on it. A faint blush crept into her cheeks as she muttered, "Barney. I've had him since I was two." She immediately put "Barney" inside her dresser and a corner of my mouth lifted at her embarrassment. Turning back to me, she handed me a pair of sweats and a really big t-shirt. I took them and cocked an eyebrow.
With a pointed glance at my muddy slacks, she said, "I thought you'd get a little dirty walking through the fields, so I grabbed some of my dad's laundry." She shook her head and smiled wryly at me, her dimple showing itself. "You look like you found every mud hole."
I smirked at her and looked back out the pitch black window. "It's dark out there."
She nodded and went over to close the window I'd stupidly left open. "I know...sorry."
I nodded and smiled back at her, finally noticing that she had changed out of her dress. She was wearing lounge pants with the word "juicy" across her bottom. That's what got my attention. She had also slipped on a long-sleeve t-shirt, taken her makeup off and removed the pins from her hair, the dark, freed curls dangling around her shoulders. Apparently, I'd taken awhile getting here.
She looked over my face taking her in and explained. "My dad didn't really like that dress, so I got out of it as quick as I could." She rolled her eyes. "He was waiting for me in the kitchen." A small smile lifted her lips as my eyes widened, wondering if he'd come check on her while I was here. Almost reading my mind she said, "He won't come down here. He saw me getting ready for bed, so he won't worry about me sneaking out...not that I would."
She shrugged at that and I quietly nodded, still a little scared to make any noise at all. She laughed at the restraint on my face and then pushed me towards her door. I automatically tensed when she opened it, but it only led to what kind of looked like a tiny living room. There was a love seat and an old TV and a small stack of movies, all of them romantic comedies, a couple with Matthew McConaughey.
From there, she pointed to a room across from the couch. "The bathroom is there." She gave me a friendly push and was grinning when I looked back at her.
As I walked across the room, I noticed the stairs that led up to the main floor. I kind of felt exposed walking through the line of sight of those stairs, like any minute her dad was going to run down them and fillet me alive. I briefly considered not changing my clothes, so I could make a run for it if needed, but I was pretty dirty, and didn't want to be rude by messing up Sawyer's house.
I changed and got ready for bed, nerves creeping up on me at the thought of staying here with Sawyer all night. I'd never spent the night with a girl before, not even Lil. Not for a full night anyway. Not that I had to stay in Sawyer's bed with her or anything. I could crash on her floor, or better yet, the loveseat in the living room. Feeling more secure with that idea, I splashed some water on my face, grabbed my dirty clothes, and made my way back to her room.
I paused before walking through her doorframe, exhaling a quick breath. She looked up when she saw me, resting a book that she'd been reading on her knees, the letter L mystery, from what I could just make out on the cover. She flicked the corner of the pages with her thumb and bit her lip. I thought she looked as nervous about this as I was. I set my stuff down on a chair at her desk, leaving my shoes on top of my muddy pants, and pointed with my thumb out the door.
"I can... I can stay there..."
She frowned and shook her head, patting the bed beside her. "That couch is awful, really." Looking down shyly, she added, "You can stay...with me." She peeked up at me when she said that and I could clearly see the hope in her eyes. Knowing I shouldn't encourage that hope, I nodded and sat down on the bed.
I lay back on the pillows, adjusting my way too big clothes and propping my bare feet up, so my knees stuck up in the air just like Sawyer's. She put her book on her nightstand and shut off the lamp beside it. Darkness swept over the room and I looked over to the lump I knew was her.
"Thank you for doing this for me," I whispered into the darkness.
I felt her rustle beside me, still not able to see much but a vague outline of her shape. "It's alright, Lucas. I know tonight was hard for you."
"It was hard for you too," I whispered, the words barely audible. She must have heard me, for her hand reached over and grabbed my arm. Her fingers trailed down me until she reached my hand and I laced us together.
I felt the bed move as she shifted her body. I couldn't see her knees in the air anymore, so I thought maybe she'd switched to her side to face me. I shifted as well to face her. The night between us made it almost seem like we were the only two people in the world. A warmth and comfort spread over me and I scrunched closer to her in the small bed. I felt the edge of her body, her knees touching my thighs, and sighed softly.
"Luc?"
Her voice was directly in front of my face, the minty smell of her toothpaste washing over my skin. "Yeah?"
I felt her sigh and the shape of her head started getting clearer to me as my eyes adjusted. She was silent, not asking me anything, and I studied the darkness, wishing I could see more of her. Just when her features started to get clearer, when I could tell that she was biting her lip, she spoke.
"Is...Is Lillian the only reason we're not together?"
I tensed, not sure how to answer that. Finally, feeling that if anything, I owed her the truth, I sighed and said, "Yes." Seeing her brows knit together, but feeling safe wrapped in the night around me, I added, "I still see Lillian, Sawyer."
I felt a smile come to my lips as I thought about Lillian and how close we'd been lately. How any moment now, we'd be pushing past that last physical barrier in our relationship. "We're just like we used to be." I searched Sawyer's face, changing from an indistinguishable black to a faded gray as more light filtered through my eyes. Her face held a blank look as she listened, a forced blank look, and I sighed. Shaking my head, I decided to be as honest with her as I could. "I really hurt her, when she found out about what we...when we..."
Her eyes looked down and I knew she knew what intimate moment I was referring to, so I continued without pinpointing it. "You should have seen her face, Sawyer. I wrecked her." I bit my lip and shook my head, feeling the sudden tears sting my eyes. My voice trembled when I spoke again and Sawyer lifted her gaze back to mine at hearing it. "I won't do that again to her." I brought a hand to her cheek, hoping she could see the apology in my eyes, hear it in my voice. "I can't let anything else happen between us. I can't cheat on her anymore."
She swallowed and her eyes clearly glistened, apparent even in the darkness. "But, we're not...having an affair or anything. She's gone, Luc."
I dropped my hand from her cheek and turned my head and body away from her, looking up to her ceiling. A spattering of glow in the dark stars spelled out 'I love you' right over her bed. I sighed, wishing those words were as simple as they looked. "I have to be faithful to her, she's my girlfriend." My head turned back to her. "And...yes, I know how that sounds. I know I sound completely crazy and that's why I never talked about this with you before. But it's still true...it's how I feel."
She was silent a long moment and then she propped herself up onto an elbow. "Okay, Luc. I don't really understand it and I don't agree with it...but, I haven't gone through what you've gone through, and I don't know how I'd react."
Her voice and face took on that seriousness that I'd gotten used to over the past few months and I automatically paid even closer attention. She looked down at the inch or two between us and then looked back up to me. "Just don't...don't use me. If you don't feel it, that's fine, but don't...don't go there anymore. Please."
I sat up on my elbow as well, twisting to face her. I resisted every urge I had to cup her cheek again. "I'm so sorry about what keeps happening between us, Sawyer. I'm not sure what..." I bit my lip and shook my head. "But I'm not like that asshole who used you...and I really am sorry...for everything."
Her eyes still glistening, she nodded her head and sank back to her pillows. Releasing our fingers, she rested her head on her curved-back arm. I copied her position and we stared at each other in silence for a few long moments. I felt peace and sleep crawl up on me. After another few silent seconds, she quietly said, "But you do like me?"
I smiled in the dark, reaching over to squeeze her free hand. "Yes, Sawyer. I like you...a lot."
She smiled and looked down, then sadness passed over her face and she turned away. I muttered that I was sorry again and she swallowed and nodded, looking up at the stars over her bed. For a moment, I imagined that she was thinking the exact same thought that I'd had about love a few moments ago. I squeezed her hand again and she finally looked back at me.
"Are you cold?" I asked quietly.
She shook her head, but shivered involuntarily. I gave her a wry grin and then moved to pull the covers back. I climbed underneath and held my arms out for her. I wasn't sure what I wanted her to do, I just needed her close. She looked over my face and gesture, and then gave me a soft sigh before crawling under the covers. She twisted, so her back faced me, and I wrapped an arm around her, keeping her warm, keeping her safe, and I prayed, not being misleading again.
I felt her body relax into mine and I rubbed her arm, wanting to encourage the comfort that she always gave me.
"Luc?" She twisted her head around to look at me.
"Yeah?"
She bit her lip and I thought she was debating whether or not to ask me something. Finally she whispered, "You talked about the crash tonight. And you've mentioned...bits and pieces before. Do you...do you want to talk about what you remember?"
I tensed up, but made myself not react negatively to her words. Memories rushed through me though. Memories of that night and memories of yelling at the students tonight. Both were equally horrid. I looked down and shook my head. "I'm sorry, Sawyer. I can't. I just can't. It's...too hard."
I sighed and felt myself instantly start to relax. Swallowing, I found her hand again and squeezed it. "I'm sorry if I ruined your big night, Sawyer."
She twisted in my arms, her head turning all the way around, so she was directly in front of my face again; her breath lightly hitting me again. "You didn't, not really. I still had fun with you...for most of it anyway." She shrugged and then gave me an apologetic face. Then her eyes flicked down to my chest. "I wanted to show you that school could actually be fun." Her eyes met mine, looking genuinely remorseful. "I feel like I failed."
I smiled at her and shook my head, pulling her tight against me. "I had a good time with you..." I sighed and she twisted around so her back nestled into my chest again. I brought my knees up, so hers curled around me, and lowered my head to rest it against her shoulder. Peace and love and warmth flooded through me and I sighed again. "I had a good time with you, Sawyer...it was everyone else that I had a problem with."
She nodded and clutched my arm, bringing it around, so the back of my hand rested against her heart. We were silent after that, all words momentarily spoken, and then sleep found us and we gave into it.
The sound of music entered my consciousness first; hard, thumping music that reverberated through my chest and ear drums. It was loud, much louder than was needed for the large rectangular room. I looked up at the disco ball suspended from the ceiling, spinning so fast the swirling lights were making me nauseous. I looked down at the popped balloons littering the floor, the floor swarming with people, with what looked like the entire student body. I had no idea why I was back at the gym, back at the dance, and why the crowd of people didn't seem to be dancing. They seemed to be forming a tight circle around two people moving back and forth inside it.
That was when a slight shock went through me. That was when I saw myself between the cracks of bodies. Darren walked up beside me, crossing his arms over his chest and looking at the other me moving around someone else in the circular opening that the student body had left us.
I slightly relaxed, registering a dream in progress. "Hey, man," I said over to him.
The music around us suddenly softened and I clearly heard him when he spoke back to me. "Josh was in fine form tonight." He twisted his lip and shook his head, his dark hair matching the dark mood in his eyes. "I'm going to have some serious words with that kid, next time I see him."
I nodded and looked back at the circle, which I could see did include Josh as well as me. We were apparently engaged in a screaming match, although I couldn't hear it. The sound of the music, while quiet around Darren and me, was blocking out all other noise.
Sammy came up on the other side of Darren, leaning around him to nod politely at me. I nodded back and watched, slightly confused, as she turned her golden brown eyes to watch the show with Darren. I wasn't sure why I was dreaming about this. This was a moment I didn't want to relive.
As I was contemplating trying to change the location, I felt Lillian step up to my side and grab my hand. I stopped my efforts and turned to smile at her, squeezing her small fingers. She gave me a tiny smile in return and turned to watch the show as well.
I glanced between the three of them, not sure why they were so intently watching this, when they knew what had happened - they knew everything in my head. Finally, I turned to look as well, my curiosity mixing with apprehension as I watched an angry version of myself yell at Josh. I hated seeing myself like that. I hated hearing it too, but unfortunately, I had to - the music had suddenly stopped when I'd focused fully on the fighters.
"It's not true! Whatever you think you know, it's not true!"
Josh's angry, scrawny form stepped up to mine in the circle, shoving me back against the wall of eager listeners. The faces watching us held a look of cruel delight; they were eating up my torment. Sawyer was nowhere in sight.
"Everyone knows it, Luc!" He looked over the crowd and they all started nodding and murmuring agreements. He came back to shove a finger in my chest. "Your mom is a whore and screwed you out of trouble! Because you are a no-good, worthless drunk, who slaughtered my best friend!"
My body in the circle paled and cowered, scrunching down among the wall of bodies, looking defeated. I however, was enraged again. I took a step forward, ready to pummel the living hell out of my dream version of Josh, when Darren suddenly put a hand on my shoulder, stopping me.
I looked over at him, but he was still staring at his brother intently. I exhaled slowly and turned to watch as well. The dream version of me sank to my knees, despair appearing to ebb my anger. "I'm sorry...I did kill him. I did get away with it."
Josh stepped up to me, hands clenched at his sides. "So, you admit you're a murderer?"
I watched myself lower my head and then nod. I felt sympathy for that dream version of me, which was an odd thing to feel. I hadn't killed my friends in the manner that Josh was referring...but I had killed them, and I did sort of feel like a murderer. I felt Lillian's grip on my hand tighten.
Josh sneered and looked over the crowd. With a triumphant voice, he boomed, "He admits it! He admits that he killed them ruthlessly, coldly." He looked back to me while the crowd booed their opinion of me. When it quieted down, he spoke lowly, "Well, what do we do with you now?"
The crowd started voicing their options, most cruel and most about wanting revenge. I swallowed as I watched the entire student body, and a large section of the faculty too, try me for my crimes against humanity. Well, three members of it anyway.
Josh listened to the suggestions and then came up with one of his own. "I think we do the only fair thing." He squatted down and lifted my drooping head. My eyes widened, both on me and on the dream version of me, as I watched his hand swing back, a jagged rock the size of a softball enclosed in it.
"Eye for an eye...right, Luc?"
I broke free from my friends and darted to the crowd, trying to worm my way through, once I realized what Josh was going to do. My friends let me go, but it didn't matter. The mass of bodies eagerly thirsting for my blood were impossible to get through. I pulled and struggled and even punched, but it was no use. They were as effective a barrier as concrete.
From over the din, I heard Josh sneer, "You want to die every day? Well, today's your lucky day!"
Through the breaks in people's bodies, I watched in horror as Josh brought that rock around to the side of my head. My dream version of me did nothing, only continued to stare at Josh with pathetically empty eyes. I turned away and closed mine when I heard the sickening connection, the wet thud as my brains were bashed in. The crowd around me erupted into cheers and I sank to my knees, no longer able to stand. I felt my chest heave and my stomach rise, and I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to keep it together.
Then the gym was quiet. Then my three friends were the only bodies left in the room. Sammy and Lillian squatted down on either side of me while Darren stood before me. I looked up at him, wondering if my face now matched my pathetic dream version's face.
He sighed and squatted down, placing a hand on my shoulder. "The dance was awful, Luc."
I swallowed and looked at him and then Sammy and my girlfriend. True, the dance had been bad, but nowhere near what I'd just envisioned. I steadied my breathing as I locked gazes with Lillian. Her hand came up to stroke my cheek and she gave me a sad smile.
I nodded as I held her gaze. "I know. I tried."
"You didn't try hard enough, Luc. You handled that badly."
I looked back up to Darren after he said that. "I handled it the best I could, Darren." I looked back to the empty gym floor behind me, almost expecting to see my blood everywhere. "I handled it better than that."
"Did you?" he asked and I twisted to give him a sour face. He shrugged. "You let them vilify you. You let them pick on you. You let them make you a victim." His eyes flicked over to where Josh had just killed me.
I bristled at that and stood up. "I told them what happened. I told them about that night. Doesn't that count for anything? Isn't that what you all want from me?"
Sammy stood and put a hand on my arm. "It's a start, Luc. But you did that to push people back." She shook her head, her auburn hair flashing red where the lights hit it. "You did that to force people away, not bring them closer."
I shook my head, not understanding. "I spoke...isn't that enough?"
Lillian put her other hand on my other arm, her pale hair a sharp contrast to Sammy's. "No, Luc. You need to stop being defensive and start letting people in. Like Sawyer."
I pulled away and stared at the three of them, irritated and slightly scared. "What is this? Some sort of ethereal intervention?"
The three of them looked between each other and then back to me. There was a solidarity in their silence that unnerved me. Finally Lillian was the one that spoke, and she did it like she was speaking for the group. "Lucas, we're just worried for you. We want you to be healthy and happy...and you're not."
I shook my head and grabbed her hands, holding them up to me. "I'm happy. I'm happy here with you." I looked over at Darren and Sammy. "With all of you."
Darren clapped my shoulder. "But your real life is suffering because of it, Luc. Holding us tight is pushing everyone else away."
I shook my head again, but Sammy spoke before I could argue. "Look at Randy, Luc. You didn't even hear his apology...and I'm sure there are others who want to befriend you, that you don't even see."
Darren took up her speech. "Because you go through every day in a daze, only thinking about how to pass the time, so you can come here again, to be with us."
My mouth dropped open as I stared between the two of them. "So? What's out there that is better than what's in here?" Aside from watching myself get stoned to death, of course.
Lillian's voice was soft in my ear, but struck me to my core. "Sawyer."
My head snapped back to her, my eyes watering. Knowing my physical body was currently spooning with Sawyer, I felt guilt creep through me. "No, Lil. I told her no."
Her answering smile was a sad one. "Exactly, Lucas." One of her hands released mine to come up and touch my face. "You can't push away a chance at real love for the twenty minute encounters you get with me."
Her pale blue eyes watered, but it was mine that finally broke down. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I responded to that. "Those twenty minutes are worth it." I looked over all of them, desperation clear in my face and voice. "You're all worth it. Please..."
They all looked at each other again, Sammy's tears flowing as freely as mine. Darren sniffed and stared at the ground and a soft sob escaped from Lillian. I suddenly got the feeling that this wasn't just another 'Lucas must live' speech. I suddenly got the feeling that they were giving me a goodbye speech. Ice shot through every nerve in my body.
"Don't do this..." My voice was barely a whisper, but they all turned their attentions back to me. "Please," I added, my voice strained with tension.
Sammy stepped up to me, throwing her arms around my chest. "Oh, Lucas. You know how much I love you, right?"
I swallowed and shook my head, momentarily dropping Lil's hand so I could clutch Sammy's arms. "No, please...no."
The tears dripped from her cheeks as she started to lightly sob. "I'm sorry, Lucas. You need to let us go if you're ever going to heal." Her hands grabbed my face. "I love you too much to let you slowly fade away because of us."
She kissed my forehead and I felt the burn of it run through me. I started panicking. "No, please, Sammy. I'll do anything...anything. Just stay..."
She sobbed again, resting her head against mine. "You were the best, Luc...and I want you to be that man again." Then she vanished and I was clutching air.
"No! No, please, Sammy." I tried to mentally bring her back, but nothing was happening. I couldn't control anything.
Darren stepped up to me, his eyes watering as he watched my frantic face search for his disappeared girlfriend. His arms came around me in a hug and I momentarily forgot my horror at Sammy leaving. A new horror struck me.
My mouth dropped open again as I clutched his shoulders. "NO! You can't leave! Not you!" My voice broke. "You're my best friend and best friends don't leave!"
He shook his head, tears finally making it to his cheeks. "I already left you, Lucas." His eyes flicked over the sob filled room, sobs I realized were coming from me. "This isn't real, man."
I clutched at him, trying to physically restrain him from abandoning me. "No...no, I won't let you. You have to stay."
A soft sob escaped him as he ignored my attempts to keep him in place and hung his head. "We should have done this awhile ago. Maybe it would have been easier for you back then." He lifted his head as I vigorously shook mine. "And that's what matters, Luc. You." His hands came up to grasp my face. "You're the only one left. Don't forget that you lived. I love you, Luc."
Feeling him slipping, I started repeating "no" over and over. It didn't matter...he faded right before my eyes. A sob tore through me and I felt a piece of me shatter. Darren had been my best friend since we were five years old. There wasn't a monumental moment in my life that he hadn't either been a part of, or I hadn't told him about, even after his death. I couldn't comprehend a lifetime without seeing his friendly face.
Arms swept around me then and my sobs started coalescing together into one long grief-filled wail. If I couldn't comprehend a life without Darren, then a life without Lillian...
I spun and pulled her to me, determined to make her stay. I needed her. She was my air. I couldn't function without her. I was frantic in my desire to keep her near me, pulling at her clothes and hair and arms. She calmly shushed me and tried to still my body. Her hands came up to my face and she cupped my cheeks, making me stare at her, making me calm down.
When I could breathe more normally, I whispered, "Please, not you...please. Don't leave me..."
She closed her eyes, tears falling. "Luc..."
I shook my head, panic flaring. "No, no, no... I can't do this on my own. It's too hard. I need you, Lillian. I'll change, I'll be better...I'll do anything. Just stay... I need you to stay. I love you. I love you so much."
Her eyes opened and she kissed me softly. "I know you do, Luc, and I love you too. That's why I have to do this. But you won't be alone. You'll wake up, and Sawyer will be in your arms...waiting."
I rubbed my forehead back and forth across hers, not wanting to hear it. "No! I don't want to wake up! I want to stay here with you. Please?"
She shook her head against mine. "And that's exactly why I'm doing this...why I'm not staying."
I pulled back to stare at her, my eyes wide with the pain slicing through me. "But why? We're so close...we've gotten so close." I kissed her over and over, hoping I could convince her just how right this was. "I want you...forever. You're mine. I want to show you. I want to make love to you."
She pushed me back, making me stop. "No...it's not real. It won't help you. You need to be with someone real."
Tears dripped repeatedly from her face and I could tell this was killing her to say these things, but right now, my pain was so incomprehensibly great, that I couldn't even care about hers anymore. "How can you do this to me? You said you'd never break up with me...you lied."
She swallowed, a sob escaping her. "Lucas...don't..."
I gripped her arms roughly, feeling like I had a way to make her stay...even if it was a manipulative one. "No, you promised. You said you'd never leave. You said you'd always stay by my side. And I demand that you keep that promise." My voice broke as I horribly twisted the tender words that she'd spoken over our time together. Twisted them into weapons - weapons designed to hurt, weapons designed to stake her to me with guilt.
She sobbed again as she met my eye. "Oh, Luc, don't..." She shook her head. "Darren's right, we're already gone. I can't break up with you if I'm already gone..."
I shook her arms, knowing that I was probably bruising her. "And yet you are. I'm not breaking up with you! You're the one betraying me!"
A look flashed across her face once I'd said that and I immediately recognized my mistake. I'd misfired my weapon, so to speak, because she wasn't the one that had betrayed the relationship. That had been me. A moment of anger seeped into her features as she knocked my hands away from her arms.
"No, I didn't betray you. I never would. But I can't stay here with you. I won't do that to you...or Sawyer." There was strain in her voice as she spoke, and a clear note of jealousy as she said Sawyer's name again.
The guilt swept through me, taking my momentary strength with it. I engulfed her in an embrace. "I'm sorry...please don't go. Please don't walk away from me. I need you. I need to be with you. Please..."
She stiffened and then relaxed, wrapping her arms around me and threading her fingers in my hair. "I'm sorry too, Lucas. I love you...always, but I can't be this person for you. We can't be together...not while you're still alive."
Then she vanished.