Collision Course(44)
Author: S.C. Stephens

I hastily scrawled back, "I’ll stop apologizing if you stop being mad at yourself and avoiding me – because you are avoiding me. I just want us back. Please?"

She closed her eyes briefly after she read that. When she opened them to glance at me, they seemed excessively moist. I swallowed when I read her response. "Okay. I’m sorry if I came off that way. I really was just late this morning, but I guess I do feel sort of weird around you, kind of guilty and…angry. I’ll stop. We’ll brush this aside and just be us again. Okay?"

She held her hand out to me as I read the note and I automatically grabbed it. My eyes were overly moist now too. I’d made her feel guilty and angry. I couldn’t grasp that the anger she felt was only towards herself. A part of her had to hate me a little. If anything, she had to hate me for pulling back from a relationship with her. I knew she wanted that, well, I was pretty sure anyway. But I was…taken. I was with Lil and we could only be friends. I wished I could tell her that.

Instead, with one hand I wrote, "So, we’re okay then?"

She took it, read it and nodded her head, smiling at me. I relaxed back in my seat and smiled halfheartedly. I wanted to believe that, I really did, but a part of me just couldn’t. I held her hand for the rest of class, praying that it was true.

The rest of the day went by with an odd sort of tension between us. A tension that anyone not in the loop of what happened last night would ever notice. Outwardly we were the same. We walked to classes together. We talked about trivial topics with our heads close together. I even held her hand during break, needing to feel close to her, even if eyes were watching.

No one else probably noticed the strain in our faces, the slight edge of discomfort in our voices and the almost panicked way we gripped each other. And no one else definitely noticed the quiet lunch we had in her car. No one else was there for that, and the odd feeling between us only intensified in that small space. And, of course, in the closeness of confinement, my mind had started wandering to touching her again.

As she ate half of my sandwich, I watched her lick some crumbs off her upper lip. I instantly imagined that tongue along my upper lip. As she leaned over and her hair fell over her shoulder, I imagined that curtain of dark hair enclosing our faces, brushing against my shoulder. As her fingers wrapped around her water bottle, I imagined them wrapped around me. And as she tilted her head up to take a long drink from that bottle, I imagined…far more intimate acts.

I knew I wasn’t helping matters any, and turned away from her to stare out the window. My body had started responding to the fantasies I’d allowed it and I berated myself for mentally going there. It was wrong on so many levels – wrong to Lil, wrong to Sawyer. But still, you can only control what your body does and feels so much. Some things are just instinct.

I was so lost in my inner fog for the remainder of that long day, that I barely noticed any of it. By the time Sawyer and I were parting ways, her for purity club, me for counseling, I couldn’t remember a single face I’d seen or assignment I’d been given. The only thing in my head was Sawyer…and guilt…and confusion. As I sat down in my chair and stared at my hands, I started wondering if counseling was the best place for me. I started wondering if maybe I should finally open up to Mrs. Ryans. Just the thought brought back super-knot though.

Still staring at my hands, I heard her merrily greet me. I returned the greeting and my lip lifted to a tiny smile when she asked me to call her Beth. I studied the lines and creases of my fingers as silence filled around us. I wanted to say something, but the behemoth in my stomach had me in a strangle hold – I couldn’t speak. I awkwardly shifted in my chair and concentrated harder on my thumb, mentally outlining the unique lines that only belonged to my skin.

Mrs. Ryans started speaking to me, asking me questions that only required either a nod or shake of my head. She usually started out that way, to loosen me up, I think. No matter my good intentions throughout the day, no matter how much I wanted to talk sometimes, by the time I sat in this chair across from her, my throat always closed up. She seemed to sense that and eased me in for conversations. I’d been silent a lot lately, but today, I was nearly mute.

As half the session went by without so much as a peep from me, and I don’t think I’d even looked at her yet, she finally sighed and I felt her hand reach over to touch my shoulder. I finally looked up at her with the contact.

"I want to help you, Lucas, but I can’t do that if you won’t talk to me." Her astonishingly blue eyes seemed to brighten with concern. "Please. I’m used to a little resistance from you, but this…" She indicated where I was rigidly sitting with my hands fisted in my lap. "I can’t help you if you completely shut down."

I tried to relax my stance and unknown aches told me I’d kept my rigid posture for awhile. I hadn’t even noticed. Her pale, red eyebrows drew together as she tilted her head and removed her hand from my shoulder, sitting back in her chair. "Things are different today," she surmised. "Something happened?"

I stiffened back up as she crept closer to the truth. Her eyes took in my response and she spoke in a low voice, "Did someone else bother you?" She knew I was picked on. She knew someone had even drugged me. I shook my head, that wasn’t my issue today. She sighed and then a thought seemed to lighten up her speckled cheeks. "Is it Sawyer, did you have a fight?"

I closed my eyes and exhaled. Part in nervousness that she’d guessed correctly, part in relief that she’d guessed correctly. I felt that knot start to loosen and I swallowed noisily a few times, trying to loosen my tongue as well. Finally I sputtered, "Yes…no…I don’t know."

I opened my eyes to find her watching me with an elated expression that she tried to keep even. She was excited I was talking, even if I wasn’t making much sense. She leaned over her desk, her red hair moving over her shoulders as she did so. "Can you tell me what happened?"

I nodded, so she’d know I was going to respond, and then I mentally made myself relax in my chair. I listened to the quiet jazz she played in the background and noted how everything else in the room was silent. She normally took kids during school hours. I was her exception. She’d told me once that she stayed late with me so we’d have more privacy. She was aware that her flimsy Japanese screen did little to block out conversations, and she’d fit me into her life this way in the hopes that I’d open up to her if no one was around to hear. I swallowed again and hoped I’d be able to do that today.

"I…we… I sort of…made out with her…and I’m really scared. I’m really scared that I’ve destroyed our friendship…" My words were halting, starting and stopping and seeming to take forever in coming out, but she sat patiently and waited for me to be done.

She infinitesimally raised her eyebrow at my admission. I’d sworn up and down in earlier sessions that there was nothing between us and now I’d let it slip that maybe there was. Evening her face she said, "Why are you worried about it being destroyed? You both seem to care about each other. Maybe you’re just finally moving closer. That’s natural, Lucas."

I shook my head and wiped my hands on my jeans, ignoring the fluttering sensation in my stomach. "No, we aren’t like that." I sighed heavily. "Well, I’m pretty sure she likes me, like that." I ran a hand through my hair nervously. Both dreading and wanting to finish my thought, I whispered, "I was having a weak moment and…I took advantage of that fact." I shook my head again, in anger this time. My voice heated as self loathing ran through me. "I needed the comfort and I stole it from her…and I sort of feel like a bastard."

I waited for her to agree with me, my head down. That’s exactly what I’d felt like today – a bastard. One of those guys that jerked girls around simply because they could. I felt horrid. She surprised me by instead saying, "You have feelings for her as well, you know."

I looked up, already shaking my head at her, but she continued, "Everything you’ve told me about her…" she shook her head, her curls bouncing merrily, "that’s not a man describing a friend, that’s a man describing the woman he loves."

I shook my head harshly and it spilled out before I could stop it. "No, I can’t like her. Lillian’s my girlfriend and I don’t want to hurt her." I immediately shut my mouth as I realized what I’d just said. I could feel my face pale and I begged the fates that she somehow hadn’t heard that.

No such luck. Her brows drew together. "Lillian?" She looked past me, over my shoulder, and I could see pieces of the puzzle, that was me, snapping into place for her. With an expression that clearly said ‘I understand you better’, her eyes came back to me and she asked, "Lucas…are you afraid to hurt Sawyer, or are you afraid to hurt Lillian?"

"Both," I whispered, wishing I could vanish.

She nodded, like she finally got it. "So, you won’t let yourself be with Sawyer, acknowledge the love you feel for her…because you still feel loyalty to your ex-girlfriend. You’re still bound to her."

I bristled at that and answered before my head could shout at me to stop. "She’s not my ex! We’re still together. I still see her and-" I cut myself off, wishing that earlier knot would return and cinch off my throat. This was exactly why I didn’t want to open up to her. I couldn’t talk about this with her, she’d think I was nuts.

Her brows drew together, confused again. "You still…? What do you mean you still see her?"

I immediately stood up, needing to get out of there. "I have to go." I made to head for the door.

She stood up as well, hastily reaching across her desk to grasp my arm, stopping me. "No, stay. Please…stay and talk to me. Do you still see Lillian?"

I shook my head, tears forming. She’d put me in a padded cell and pump me full of anti-psychotics if I told her the truth. "No…I…no, I know she’s dead."

Her hand ran under my arm to my elbow, supporting me. With a gentle squeeze she asked, "Then what do you mean?" I hesitated, starting to buckle under the strain of hiding this, and she saw my internal debate. "You can trust me, Luc, you can tell me."

I stepped away, breaking the contact. Scared beyond belief, I decided to let it out or maybe it decided for me. "I dream of her and its real…as real as anything in this world. And in that way…we’re still together." My voice was shaking and tears dripped to my cheeks as I waited for her to tell me I was crazy.

I’d been backing up while I was speaking and I eventually bumped into the door handle. My hand automatically clutched it, seeking escape. Her face fell into sympathy as I twisted the knob. As I pulled open the door she shook her head at me and my body tensed.

"Luc…oh, Lucas…that’s not real."

I swallowed back the tears and fled into the hallway.

I was practically running and wiping tears off my cheeks when I heard her behind me. "Luc, wait. Please." I kept going, fighting the natural instinct I had to obey a request made from an authority figure.

I slowed as I made my way to the section of the hall where the purity club was just letting out. Feeling panic creep into me, I stopped, not knowing which way to go. I could hear Mrs. Ryans’ heels clicking up the hall as she caught up from behind me, and I could hear the light laughter of students as they left the now getting packed classroom in front of me. My breath was coming in stuttered pulls, like I’d just run a marathon and I could feel the burning sensation of a massive barrage of tears starting to form. I was gonna break down; it was more a question of where than when.