Dark Secrets (Dark Secrets #1)(62)
Author: A.M. Hudson

He moistened his lips. “It was one option.”

I died inside then. “I mean so little to you.”

“No, Ara—”

“Get off me!” I rolled my shoulder, pulling my arm away from his touch. “God, you’re a player. You—how could you do this to me?”

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I wasn’t supposed to love you this way.”

“But you do. Doesn’t that, I mean, can’t that change how things have to be?”

Slowly, he turned and looked at me. His eyes shimmered so green in the morning light, so liquid with troubles that I wanted to look away. “I wish it did.”

“So, that’s it. You’re going—leaving—today?”

He nodded.

The world went dark behind my eyelids. I bit my quivering lip, then folded my arms, standing straight, and walked right past him.

“Ara, where are you going?”

I couldn’t speak—couldn’t even think; I just had to go to school, go to class, just move.

“Ara?” He grabbed my arms and pulled me back gently. “Where are you going?”

“I have to go. I—” I spoke to his chest. “I can’t hear this.”

“Why, Ara, what’s wrong?”

“Don’t you get it, David? You can’t leave.”

“I have to.”

“No.” I shook my head, folding my arms tighter. “I’ll die. If you go, I won’t be able to go on. You’re the glue. You’re everything that’s holding me together. How will I possibly be okay without you?”

He dropped his arms to his sides. “Don’t say that.”

“Why? Would you rather I lied? Would you rather I said great, let’s have a freakin’ celebration—a farewell party. What did you honestly expect by telling me this?”

He looked down. “I’m not sure.”

I wiped my face with my hand and walked away again. “I’ll see you in class.”

“I wish I’d told you the truth. I should have told you I’d be leaving, Ara.” He caught up and stood in front of me, blocking my path. “I’m sorry for that.”

“But you didn’t. And you wait until now, when I finally let myself need you, finally let myself feel okay again, to tell me you’re going to take all that away.”

“I won’t take it. You’ll be okay. Don’t you see? You’re okay now. You have Em, you have your dad, Mike—”

“They mean nothing to me, David! They’re not you.”

He rocked back on his heels. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?” I nodded, smiling, though the lump in my throat wanted to rip me open. “Of course you are.” And it all broke apart. I dug the heels of my palms into my eyes, and my shoulders hunched, shaking, as everything I thought was okay fled my heart. I felt so unsteady, like I was standing on the street, alone, in the pouring rain, and even the smell of the cut grass and the vapours of the melting dew on the hot pavement couldn’t change my mind, couldn’t make me believe this was not some horror movie where my hero walked away, got hit by a taxi, and I never saw him again.

“You will get through this,” he said coldly.

I stifled my tears, straightening, like the strong girl I could pretend to be. “Is that what you really believe?”

He let out a long breath. “It’s not my heart’s desire to leave you. If you only knew how much you mean to me, you’d know how the very idea of not being here to hold you, to see you smile, to be the one that makes it okay, is killing me. I’ve lost sleep over this, Ara. It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” he said, his voice losing that deep, strong tone.

“Nothing’s ever what we want it to be.” My lip quivered; I bit it.

“No, it’s not. And I betrayed you—betrayed your heart by allowing you to love me, when I knew this would end.”

“Did you think you could control this?” I dug my finger into my chest. “Did you think you could stop me falling in love with you, like it’s some accident?”

“I could’ve left—before you fell for me.”

“So, before my first day—before English class, before you took me to the lake and made me open up to you in a way I never thought I could with anyone.”

He pinched the bridge of his nose. “This is a mess.”

I rolled my shoulder back and looked around the field. “Will he let you finish out the day, at least?”

David shook his head. “He’ll arrive just after lunch; I need to be there to meet with him.”

I looked at my dad’s house, then at my own feet for a long moment. “Just go then.”

“What?”

“Go now. Just go. Don’t drag this out.” Each sentence became more breathy, the composure I was attempting being slaughtered by a lack of control over anything in my life.

“Ara, don’t cry like that. You’ll make yourself sick again.”

“I can’t help it. Do you think I’m doing it deliberately?”

“Come here.” He reached for me.

“No!” I shoved his chest as hard as I could. “I said go. I don’t want to see you anymore. I don’t want to even look at you.”

“Ara, stop it.”

“No. You hurt me. You made me love you. You made me want to be happy with you—” I drew a deep, shuddering breath and folded over as he moved in and wrapped me up in his arms—tucking my hands into my chest so I couldn’t fight him.

“Shh. It’s okay,” he said into my hair. “It’s okay.”

“I thought it was for always. I pictured a future,” I sobbed inaudibly.

He slowly reached up and rubbed his mouth with a tight hand, his eyes closed. “I know. I did too.”

“Then what happened? Why are you just letting this go?”

“This isn’t what I want. I was stupid—I thought I’d be the exception, but Ara, I’m not. I can’t change this.”

Like accepting death, his words rolled over me, and I nodded. “Do you know what will happen to me—when you’re gone?”

He grew taller, inch-by-inch. “Don’t think that way. You’re a strong, capable girl.” He grabbed both my arms. “You will be okay. I know this.”

I shook my head. “No, that’s just what you tell yourself.”

“It’s what I have to tell myself,” he yelled, his gaze fixing mine. After a moment, he gently pushed me away and walked toward my dad’s house, stopping after a few steps. “Goddamn it, Ara.”