Dark Secrets (Dark Secrets #1)(88)
Author: A.M. Hudson

But at the same time, I couldn’t separate myself from the idea of a life lost.

Then again, I wasn’t sure I could live with myself if I let him go.

For such a short time, I thought I was going to be okay. David rescued me, showed me what real love felt like, gave me my first kiss. No one had ever kissed me like that before, and no one had ever told me they loved me—and meant it. And now that was gone—the hope of being with him always—I just felt empty and more confused.

Disregarding my resurfaced fear of The Bogeyman, I flipped my legs over the side of the bed and wandered to my desk, opening my diary in front of me.

Dear Diary,

It’s funny how love goes; you think you have morals and strong beliefs, but when you strip it all down, the truth is that I want to love him. I want to forget about what he is and just love him. But, by accepting him, I’d be condoning murder.

On the other hand, I can go on forever not loving him, when there’s nothing I can do to save those people, anyway. Will I punish myself for what David is?

I looked up from the pages to the phone by my elbow. I wished it would ring and, in my moment of weakness, I could tell my best friend everything. He’d know what to do. But he’d tell me to run. In fact, he’d be on the first plane over here, stick me in a duffel bag, and carry me off to a faraway land, pack me into a crate, and stand guard for the rest of my life.

Okay, perhaps the phone ringing was a bad idea.

I dropped my head into my hands.

Outside, dotted twinkles of silver sparkled in the night sky; once, they were glimmers of hope for me, but tonight, stared back down into my insignificant little life, offering no solace or resolution at all. But matters of the heart; they were never solved rationally. Love is irrational. Love is unfair.

There would be no going back. No lazy afternoons by the lake, warm and safe in David’s arms. We’d never get married or have babies, never grow old together and get arthritis, and if I became a vampire—never die.

Before I lost my family, death was always something that, for me, seemed years away—hundreds of years. But in the face of immortality, all I could think of was how restless it must be to know you’d never find peace, never reunite with those who’ve passed, never find out what was on the other side. And sure, you get to live forever, but I bet the novelty would wear off pretty soon—and then what? Then it’s too late. And what if I became a vampire and, after a few thousand years, he got bored with me?

“That—” a voice broke through the silence, “—could never happen.”

“David?” I shot up out of my seat and pinned my back to the wall beside my dresser. “How long have you been there?”

He sat comfortably in the nook of my window, his back against the frame on one side, his foot propped up on the other. “Long enough.”

“Long enough for what?”

“To know that you’re battle of conscience is not winning against your heart.”

I pressed my hands flat to the wall behind my hips. “One will have to win eventually.”

He jumped off the ledge, landing silently in my room. “I know.”

“David, please—” I put my hand out; he stopped advancing. “Just stay back, okay?”

“I won’t hurt you.”

“I know.” I tried to take a breath, but couldn’t.

He looked up from his feet, smiling, with a hint of mischief behind his eyes. “Do you?”

“Yes. I’m not afraid of that, right now. I—you know how I feel about you. And knowing what I know about you should change that, but it hasn’t.” I touched my chest. “And until it does, even a little bit, I won’t trust myself to touch you.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s ludicrous, David. You kill people—with your teeth. I should hate you.”

“And yet you want to accept me.”

“Which means there’s something wrong with me.”

“Or maybe you’re just in love.”

I shook my head, reinforcing my warding hand when he took another step closer.

He sighed, letting his arms fall loosely to his sides. “If I could perform a memory charm on you—make you forget, would you want me to?”

“You could do that?”

“Just answer the question.”

“I—” I didn’t know; happiness was a part of my life when I was in love with David, the boy. All of this reality was just too unusual. I felt insecure, like I was walking on a glass cliff top—sure I might fall through at any minute. But, would I want to love him if I didn’t know he was a killer? “Yes,” I said very quietly, looking down.

“Then why can’t you accept me, now?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Ara, look at me,” he said. “Love is complicated, but you can’t deny this is love.”

“I can try.”

His eyes, green and intense, searched mine. “You refuse my affections, you will watch me walk away, give up our love, for what? To make a stand against a natural predator? That’s all I am, sweetheart.” He slowly came closer, laughing softly. “Would you give up your firstborn to protest against lions killing a zebra?”

“That’s the problem, David. I will be giving up my firstborn. I’ll be giving up everything.” I pushed away from him and darted across to my desk. “I can never have a family, a life, not even a death if I choose you. I’ve been over it—there’s no right way to do this.”

“That may be so, but you still have a choice to make.” His voice shook on the word choice.

My lip quivered and fresh tears stung the edges of my dry eyes. “Why did you have to make me fall in love with you?”

David stood stiff. “I didn’t make you.”

“I know.” I folded my arms and rolled my chin to my chest. “But I do love you, and now I have to choose between love or life and, David, I want a family—like Mum had; I want a little Harry. I want to be a soccer mom and do carpooling and argue with my daughter about the boys I think aren’t good enough for her. And then, one day, when I’ve had a good life, with the man I love, I want to know what it’s like to be old—and die.” I looked up, my eyes narrowed. “Can you understand any of this?”

“More than you know.” Misery swallowed his voice, then he evaporated. A breathless second passed before he appeared on the edge of my bed, his face in his hands.