Dead as a Doornail (Sookie Stackhouse #5)(47)
Author: Charlaine Harris

I’d met Claudine’s brother Claude only once before. I’d forgotten what an impact he made. Claude was absolutely breathtaking, so lovely that his proximity made me tense as a high wire. Relaxing around Claude was like trying to be nonchalant with Brad Pitt.

Claude had been a stripper on ladies’ night at Hooligans, a club in Monroe, but lately he’d not only moved into managing the club, he’d also branched into print and runway modeling. The opportunities for such work were few and far between in northern Louisiana, so Claude (according to Claudine) had decided to compete for Mr. Romance at a romance readers’ convention. He’d even had his ears surgically altered so they weren’t pointed anymore. The big payoff was the chance to appear on a romance cover. I didn’t know too much about the contest, but I knew what I saw when I looked at Claude. I felt pretty confident Claude would win by acclamation.

Claudine had mentioned that Claude had just broken up with his boyfriend, too, so he was unattached: all six feet of him, accessorized with rippling black hair and rippling muscles and a six-pack that could have been featured in Abs Weekly. Mentally add to that a pair of brown velour-soft eyes, a chiseled jaw, and a sensuous mouth with a pouty bottom lip, and you’ve got Claude. Not that I was noticing.

Without the help of the aide, who was still saying, "Wow, wow, wow," very quietly, I got out of the wheelchair and eased myself into the car. "Thanks," I said to Claude, trying not to sound as astonished as I felt.

"Claudine couldn’t get off work, so she called me and woke me up so I’d be here to chauffeur you," Claude said, sounding totally put out.

"I’m grateful for the ride," I said, after considering several possible responses.

I noticed that Claude didn’t have to ask me for directions to Bon Temps, though I’d never seen him in the area – and I think I’ve made the point that he was hard to miss.

"How is your shoulder?" he said abruptly, as if he’d remembered that was the polite question to ask.

"On the mend," I said. "And I have a prescription for some painkillers to fill."

"So I guess you need to do that, too?"

"Um, well, that would be nice, since I’m not supposed to drive for another day or two."

When we reached Bon Temps, I directed Claude to the pharmacy, where he found a parking slot right in front. I managed to get out of the car and take in the prescription, since Claude didn’t offer. The pharmacist, of course, had heard what had happened already and wanted to know what this world was coming to. I couldn’t tell him.

I passed the time while he was filling my prescription by speculating on the possibility that Claude was bisexual – even a little bit? Every woman who came into the pharmacy had a glazed look on her face. Of course, they hadn’t had the privilege of having an actual conversation with Claude, so they hadn’t had the benefit of his sparkling personality.

"Took you long enough," Claude said as I got back in the car.

"Yes, Mr. Social Skills," I snapped. "I’ll try to hurry from now on. Why should getting shot slow me down? I apologize."

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Claude’s cheeks reddening.

"I’m sorry," he said stiffly. "I was abrupt. People tell me I’m rude."

"No! Really?"

"Yes," he admitted, and then realized I’d been a tad sarcastic. He gave me a look I would have called a glower from a less beautiful creature. "Listen, I have a favor to ask you."

"You’re certainly off to a good start. You’ve softened me up now."

"Would you stop that? I know I’m not… not…"

"Polite? Minimally courteous? Gallant? Going about this the right way?"

"Sookie!" he bellowed. "Be quiet!"

I wanted one of my pain pills. "Yes, Claude?" I said in a quiet, reasonable voice.

"The people running the pageant want a portfolio. I’ll go to the studio in Ruston for some glamour shots, but I think it might be a good idea to do some posed pictures, too. Like the covers of the books Claudine is always reading. Claudine says I should have a blonde pose with me, since I’m dark. I thought of you."

I guess if Claude had told me he wanted me to have his baby I could have been more surprised, but only just. Though Claude was the surliest man I’d ever encountered, Claudine had a habit of saving my life. For her sake, I wanted to oblige.

"Would I need, like, a costume?"

"Yes. But the photographer also does amateur dramatics and he rents out Halloween costumes, so he thought he might have some things that would do. What size do you wear?"

"An eight." Sometimes more like a ten. But then again, once in a blue moon, a six, okay?

"So when can you do this?"

"My shoulder has to heal," I said gently. "The bandage wouldn’t look good in the pictures."

"Oh, right. So you’ll call me?"

"Yes."

"You won’t forget?"

"No. I’m so looking forward to it." Actually, at the moment what I wanted was my own space, free and clear of any other person, and a Diet Coke, and one of the pills I was clutching in my hand. Maybe I’d have a little nap before I took the shower that also featured on my list.

"I’ve met the cook at Merlotte’s before," Claude said, the floodgates evidently now wide open.

"Uh-huh. Sweetie."

"That’s what she’s calling herself? She used to work at the Foxy Femmes."

"She was a stripper?"

"Yeah, until the accident."

"Sweetie was in an accident?" I was getting more worn out by the second.

"Yeah, so she got scarred and didn’t want to strip anymore. It would’ve required too much makeup, she said. Besides, by then she was getting a little on the, ah, old side to be stripping."

"Poor thing," I said. I tried to picture Sweetie parading down a runway in high heels and feathers. Disturbing.

"I’d never let her hear you say that," he advised.

We parked in front of the duplex. Someone had brought my car back from the library parking lot. The door to the other side of the duplex opened, and Halleigh Robinson stepped out, my keys in her hand. I was wearing the black pants I’d had on since I had been on my way to work, but my Merlotte’s T-shirt had been ruined so the hospital had given me a white sweatshirt that someone had left there once upon a time. It was huge on me, but that wasn’t why Halleigh was standing stock-still, catching flies with her mouth. Claude had actually gotten out to help me into the house, and the sight of him had paralyzed the young schoolteacher.

Claude eased his arm tenderly around my shoulders, bent his head to look adoringly into my face, and winked.