Derailed (Clayton Falls #1)(19)
Author: Alyssa Rose Ivy

It had been a long time since I’d been in a truck as big as his, and it took me a second to climb up. I buckled my seatbelt and noticed him staring at me. “What?”

“It just feels like old times having you in my truck.”

“It’s a different truck.” Or really it was an updated one. It was the same model Ford, but this one was new and blue, not gray. I remembered how excited he’d been in high school when his dad had given him his old one. We’d spent more time fooling around in that thing than I would ever admit.

“But it’s still you and me.” He smiled a little, looking like he was debating whether to say more.

I didn’t give him the chance. “Aren’t we going to go?”

“Yeah, okay.” He backed out of the driveway and drove down to the marina.

He hopped out as soon as he parked and was waiting with a hand ready when I opened my door.

I accepted his hand and jumped down. “Thanks.”

He didn’t let go of my hand, and I didn’t try to pull it away. There was some serious nostalgia going on. Sneaking onto his dad’s boat brought back memories—or I guessed this time we weren’t sneaking.

Ben led us down the dock and onto the boat, right to the front deck. “It might be a new truck, but it’s the same old boat.”

I nodded. “That it is.”

I headed over to the starboard side, leaning over the railing to watch the gorgeous full moon in the sky. He followed me over, standing behind me with his arms around me. I leaned back into him, closing my eyes.

“I still remember every detail from that night, you know.” His arms tightened around me.

“Me too.” I knew exactly what night he was talking about.

“I remember how nervous you were afterward.”

I nodded even though he probably couldn’t see. Maybe he’d felt it. “I was terrified I was pregnant even though I had no real reason to be.”

“I seriously thought you’d never have sex with me again, that it would be a onetime deal.”

“I thought so to.”

“I wanted to hug Shayna when she came home from college and took you to get the pill.”

I laughed. “Yeah, she really was a cool big sister to have. My mom would have killed me if I’d asked, and oh god, if my dad found out, you would have been dead too.”

“Don’t I know it!” I imagined he cringed internally at the thought of my dad finding out. “I had a whole plan you know.”

“A plan?”

“For if you’d actually gotten pregnant.” His body tensed behind me.

“A plan to handle a pregnancy at sixteen?”

“Oh, it was a great one. You’d move in with me and my parents, and I’d take more hours working for my dad.”

“I never got beyond the ‘my parents are going to disown me’ part.” I opened my eyes and looked at the sky again. “The moon was full that night too.”

“All we need is a bottle of strawberry Boone’s, and we could reenact it.”

I chuckled. “Strawberry Boone’s. Wow, we really had distinguished taste.”

“Hey, all you’d drink was Boone’s and wine coolers. You hated beer, and I needed to find a way to get you drunk.”

“I wasn’t drunk that night.”

“I know,” he said quietly.

I turned around to look at him. His brown eyes still had the friendliness they always did, but he looked so much older. Maybe it was another five years spent in the sun, or just time passing, but he certainly didn’t look like the same boy I left.

He braced his arms on the railing, looking down at me. “You look so sad.”

“That’s not really what a girl wants to hear.” I tried to make a joke of it.

“You still look beautiful, but you look sad. What can I do to change that?”

“You don’t have to change it. I’m used to feeling this way.”

“That’s not an answer. I at least need to try.” He ran his hands down my arms, making me shiver. Just a small touch still had such an effect on me.

I leaned up and kissed him lightly on the lips before settling back down on the balls of my feet.

“Is that all you have?” He had that twinkle in his eye that I’d always loved.

“No, I have plenty more.” I leaned up again, wrapping my arms around his neck to bring him down to my height. His arms wrapped around me as soon as my lips met his. The kiss was gentle this time. It lacked the heat of the night before. It was a kiss of sadness and regret and not of passion.

I broke the kiss first, and he exhaled deeply.

He brushed a tear off my cheek. I hadn’t realized I was crying.

“Please let me make you better.”

“Can’t you just make me forget?”

“I need to know what you’re forgetting. It isn’t me, is it?” His eyes were wide, fearful of my response.

“I couldn’t forget you if I tried.”

He smiled faintly. “Okay, I’ll make you forget.”

He pulled out a blanket from underneath a bench seat and laid it out in exactly the same spot where I’d lost my virginity to him. I followed him down to the blanket, not worrying about the tears that still fell silently down my cheeks.

He placed light kisses all over my face and neck, his hands moving over me just as softly. He removed our clothes slowly this time, without the previous night’s urgency. We didn’t say anything, just watched each other. Ben kept his word. He did help me forget. But with his gentle lovemaking that night, he also made me remember something too—how much I loved him— and that terrified me more than any nightmares or memories could. Whatever it was that Ben and I were doing, it wasn’t casual.

We barely said another word to each other, deciding to go home after an hour or so of cuddling together under a blanket staring at the stars. He held my hand as he led me back to the truck, opening the door for me this time before going around.

When we got back to his house, I walked over to my car.

“Did I make you forget?” he asked before I could open the car door.

“You did.” I’m sure my eyes betrayed the other emotions flooding me.

“You could stay here tonight, you know. You don’t have to go home.”

“Yes, I do.”

“I wish you didn’t.” His eyes were wide and displayed everything he wasn’t saying. Staying the night would be agreeing to move things further than I could handle. Besides, there was no way I could let Ben witness my nightmares. I had to face them on my own.