Derailed (Clayton Falls #1)(23)
Author: Alyssa Rose Ivy

“It was the summer before college.”

“That must have been tough.”

“It was, mostly because it was my fault.” I looked down at my hands in my lap.

“Your fault? But you weren’t with him, right?”

“He did it because of me,” I said it quickly, waiting for Gavin’s reaction, knowing the sympathy would disappear.

“What? It was a suicide?”

“Not one that could be proved. He didn’t leave a note, but why else would he drive onto the tracks? He was a very safe driver. It made no sense.”

“Accidents rarely make sense.”

“He’d lost his job a few weeks before, and earlier that week he told me.” Once I started telling the story, I couldn’t stop.

Gavin’s hands squeezed mine reassuringly, and I tried to concentrate on the contact rather than the story. “He told me he couldn’t pay for college, and instead of understanding, I threw a fit. I yelled at him and told him it wasn’t fair. I got the grades and a partial scholarship to Boston University. He’d promised to pay the rest.”

I didn’t dare look up at Gavin. I couldn’t handle seeing the look of disgust. “He told me I needed to grow up and accept that things change. I could take a semester off, maybe take some classes at a community college and hope for a scholarship from one of the state schools. I told him I hated him. I didn’t talk to him. Two days later, he was gone.”

“You can’t actually think you had anything to do with it, even if he did kill himself. You know that right?”

“I know he died with us fighting, and I know I made him feel like he let me down. Why wouldn’t I believe I pushed him over the edge?”

Gavin shook his head and didn’t say anything for a minute. I waited nervously for him to change his tune and tell me he was disappointed to hear I would treat someone that way. Instead, he steered the conversation in a different direction.

“But you still went to BU, right?”

“I did. Mom tried to make me use some of the life insurance money. They never even investigated whether it was an accident or not. I refused to take any of it. I took out loans for what the scholarship didn’t cover. I still can’t look at my mom and sister without feeling sick. I robbed them of him, and they both know it.” What I didn’t tell Gavin was how I still cringed every time I heard a train whistle late at night, or how I’d drive miles out of the way just to avoid ever crossing railroad tracks.

“Molly, please. Have you really been carrying this around with you for five years?”

I suddenly realized how ridiculous it was to be pouring all of this out on a guy I hardly knew. A barking dog broke through the silence of the night. “I’m sorry, we can go.”

“No. No, we can’t go. You need to stop beating yourself up.”

“It’s why Ben and I broke up, you know,” I said quietly.

“What do you mean?”

“He wasn’t there for me that night. He was too busy getting high with his friends. He said he didn’t hear his phone, but I have no idea whether he did or not. I decided he wasn’t responsible enough for me. I couldn’t rely on him.”

“Ben was a druggie, huh?”

“Not exactly.” It felt wrong to discuss Ben like that. My instinct was to defend him. “He liked to get high, and I hated that he did. He tried to hide it from me, but I always knew.”

“Well, I can’t comment on the Ben part, but you can’t keep blaming yourself for your dad. People make their own decisions. No one else can make their choices for them.”

“Yeah, but we can influence their decisions.”

“I’m not going to push you, but maybe you need to go look at the crossing—force yourself to move on.”

“Maybe one day.” I doubted it would be anytime soon. “Can you please take me home?”

“You sure? Do you really want to be alone?”

Part of me wanted to tell Gavin about Adam, lay it all out there, but I couldn’t do it. “I need to be.”

“All right.” He pulled back out onto the road, and we rode in silence until we got to my house. He touched my arm before I could get out. “You know you can get through this, right?”

“Yeah, I know.” I told him what he wanted to hear, but I wasn’t sure that I knew anything anymore.

“When can I see you again?”

I half choked, half laughed. “You want to see me again?”

“Of course. I thought I made myself clear earlier. But anyway, we have a joint bachelor-bachelorette party to plan.”

I hadn’t even considered the bachelorette party. I had no idea where I would come up with money for it. I was already dangerously close to dipping below the minimum in my checking account. “They want a joint party?”

“They thought it would be more fun that way. Those two can’t stand to be away from each other for long.”

“I can see that. Okay, I’ll call you.”

“I’m going to hold you to it.”

“All right.” I got out of the car to head to the door.

Gavin followed, stopping with me on the front step. “Take care of yourself.”

“I will. Thanks for dinner.”

He smiled. “Anytime.”

I went inside, locking the door behind me before going right up to my room. Gavin’s headlights reflected off the windows as he pulled out.

I changed into pajamas before stretching out on my bed, pulling a dog eared paperback from the shelf. I started to read A River Runs Through It for the umpteenth time, reveling in the comfort of a well-worn book. I’m not sure exactly what made me love that book so much. It was sad—but also so real.

My cell rang. It was Ben, and I let it go to voice mail. Part of me, or really most of me, craved his presence, but I needed to stay away. I waited until my phone beeped, announcing the voicemail before dialing in to hear it.

“Hey, it’s me. I was wondering what you were up to tonight. I came by earlier, but you were out I guess. Feel free to come over or just give me a call. Okay, bye.”

Great, Ben had stopped by to see me. I decided to just text him back; there would be too much temptation if I heard his voice. I told him I was exhausted and going to bed. Thirty seconds later, my phone rang again and I just bit the bullet and picked up.

“Hello.”

“Hey. If you’re going to bed, can I come join you?”

“I mean really going to bed. I haven’t exactly had much sleep lately.” Of course, even if I hadn’t been spending time with him, I wouldn’t have slept much.