Devil Said Bang
I take Mason’s lighter out of my pocket and pick up an unopened pack of Maledictions from the bed. Brimborion starts and takes a step back as I tear open the pack, tap out a smoke, and light up.
“How did you know Marchosias and I were working together?” he asks.
“It was the thing with Lahash. What a zany coincidence it was that your dope dealer attacked me. You and Marchosias got drugs from him to dose Ukobach. I’m guessing Marchosias got the idea from Mason when he was experimenting on those poor bastards in the hidden room. Vetis and his fake maintenance crew smuggled Lahash in using one of your passkeys. Lahash and I were supposed to kill each other but Vetis let him out early. I wonder why. If you died, Marchosias would need a new front guy. Vetis maybe? Think about it. A legionnaire is a lot better choice for Lucifer than a secretary. You’re as dumb as a hat full of horseshit.”
He cocks the pistol.
“You have ten seconds to tell me what you’ve done with the weapon.”
“The weapon. You don’t even know what it’s called. I bet you about wet yourself when I upped the library security and you couldn’t snoop around anymore. Too bad too. I was afraid of losing the 8 Ball, so I kept it close by. A few more hours and you would have had it.”
“That’s good enough. Better than talking to you anymore.”
Click. He pulls the trigger again. Another click.
“Marchosias would never bet her life on a gun she wasn’t sure worked. See what I mean about stupid?”
Semyazah and Wild Bill come out of the bathroom. Both are holding pistols. Brimborion stares at them. I put the lit end of the Malediction to the back of his hand and he drops the Glock on the bed. I backhand him with my Kissi hand and bounce him off the wall.
“What did I say would happen if you ever threatened me again?”
He stares dumbly, hugging his bandaged hand to his chest. I put my hand around his wrist.
“I said I’d take the whole arm.”
I let the dark flow out of me. Twisting and growing, it expands like the corona of a black sun. The dark encircles us in a freezing void, leaving Brimborion and me the only two beings in a lonely, freezing universe.
Black tendrils like strangler vines flow down from overhead while tentacles whip up from deep below. Thorny, twitching things with circles of razor-sharp teeth that spin like drill bits. Brimborion backs away but the darkness wraps around him, pulling him deeper into the black tide. The drilling teeth brace themselves against his flesh, waiting for my signal.
I grab Brimborion’s arm in my Kissi hand.
“Did Lahash steal from you or try to blackmail you or was he just a convenient fall guy? Do you think he could feel what was happening when they put the bugs into him? Or maybe later when they came out?”
Brimborion opens his mouth to scream but the dark flows in and he chokes on it.
I move my hand up to where his arm connects with his shoulder and say, “Here.”
The teeth spin. The drilling starts. Brimborion tries to wriggle away but the tentacles have him and the black vines wrap around his head, stifling his screams.
When the drilling stops, he looks at the arm, expecting to see blood and bone. There’s nothing. The skin isn’t even broken. He rubs at a few faint scratches. The skin collapses under his fingers like papier-mâché. That’s his cue to scream. He claws at the hollow arm, pulling dry dead flesh off brittle bones. Insects pour out of him. He’s ripped his arm back all the way to the shoulder by the time he understands what’s happening. He tries to shake off the insects but they’re dug in too deep. Dry bones in his arm snap and it falls where it’s snatched out of the air by a tentacle that draws it down into the void. He looks at me as the tentacles hold him, giving the hungry insects time to finish their work. It doesn’t take long. When Brimborion falls, his body is as dry and empty as a locust husk.
I let the dark go and it flows back into me like it was never there.
“I hope I never have to see that again,” says Semyazah.
“You could see that?”
He nods.
“Enough. Like through a fog.”
Bill says, “Remind me not to get on your bad side.”
“You still think I have a good side?”
“There’s a search party out for it but I’m optimistic they’ll turn up something.”
Semyazah goes over to Brimborion’s body. Touches it tentatively with his boot, like he’s not sure its real.
“If only you took Lucifer’s other duties as seriously as you take killing your enemies.”
“Which duties? Leading spooky rituals or pretending I love pie charts? What I’m good at is killing sons of bitches who want to kill me. How long have you Hellions been trying it? Nearly twelve years now. What anniversary is that? Pewter? Shit? Napalm?”
Bill sits on the bed. Bounces up and down on his ass like a customer in a mattress outlet. He fingers the blanket and sheets. Semyazah gives Bill a look but he doesn’t notice or doesn’t care.
“And now you’ll go home and leave us without a Lucifer and the city will burn. Hellions and damned souls will perish but you’ll have what you want and isn’t that all that matters?”
“I can’t babysit you assholes forever. I have things to do. But I’m coming back. Samael used to leave all the time and he always came back.”
“This was his home and we knew he’d always return. What incentive do you have to come back?”
“None, but I’m coming back anyway. Not to save you. Hell, most of you want to die anyway, so they don’t care. But I’m coming back because there’s souls down here I care about. I won’t let Hell fall apart again.”
“I expect we’ll see.”
He holsters his gun and I say a silent thanks. I don’t want to get into a fight with the one general that can stand the sight of me. And I really don’t want to go home with holes in my face.
“I’m taking the peepers with me. If there’s an emergency or you just get lonely, leave a note on the desk in the library.”
“That’s very reassuring.”
I motion for Bill to get up, reach between the mattress and the box spring, and pull out a full Glock clip. I eject the clip of blanks and slap in the real one. Out of habit I start to tuck the gun in the waistband of my pants but stop. I look at Semyazah.
“How much of this shit did you see coming and didn’t let me in on?”
“Marchosias isn’t a surprise but I didn’t know it would happen so soon. As for Vetis, he was a surprise. And certainly not the rise of Deumos and her church. You’ve changed the very nature of Hell in the last couple of days, do you know that?”
“You’re really worried about Hell’s survival.”
“This place is my home more than Heaven ever was.”
“That’s why I’m putting you in charge while I’m gone.”
Semyazah’s forehead creases and he shakes his head.
“Please don’t.”
“I don’t trust you but you didn’t join up with Mason, so you don’t want to die right now. Besides you, I can’t think of anyone else who actually cares about this place.”
“My lord, please.”
“Sorry, man. The thing is you’re like David Coverdale and Hell is like Deep Purple without a singer. You don’t know if you want the gig and the band isn’t sure they want you up front, but you need each other to tour. So shut up. Tune up. Learn ‘Smoke on the Water’ and smile pretty for the fans.”
I toss the Glock to Wild Bill.
“That’s for you.”
He turns the Glock over in his hands. Weighs in. Sights on Brimborion’s body. Tosses it back to me.
“I don’t trust a gun I can’t see where the bullets go in.”
He drops back onto the bed.
“But if you’re in a generous mood, I’d take one of these. Without the dead man, of course.”
“I’ll have someone send one to the bar.”
“And covers and such. These sheets are as soft as a widow’s bottom.”
“They’ll send the works.”
I tuck the Glock in the waistband behind my back. Semyazah has gone to the window to look over his temporary kingdom.
“When you were talking to Brimborion, I was impressed that you figured all that out.”
“Half of it was guessing. After the Lahash thing it was just figuring out who could pull off a coup on short notice. Marchosias is the only one smart and ballsy enough and with the right connections.”
He looks over his shoulder at Brimborion.
“I’ve never seen a man so cheerfully confess his crimes.”
“You let a man hold a gun to your head long enough and he’ll tell you all his secrets. Isn’t that right, Bill?”
“I wouldn’t know. Not having guns pressed against my head was among my utmost goals when I was among the living.”
“Can you people trace phone calls, General? Vetis crank-called me, but when I asked him about it, I could tell he didn’t know what I was talking about. I think he was possessed when he made the call. Where he called from could be a clue to who has the possession key.”
Semyazah nods.
“I’ll look into it.”
“And keep an eye on the Bamboo House of Dolls. And Bill.”
Bill throws down the pillow he’s been fluffing and stands up straight.
“I don’t need a goddamn demon looking over my shoulder.”
“I bet that’s what you said in Deadwood.”
He sits back down.
“I suppose you’re right but that’s an unkind way to put it.”
“I told you the search party would come back empty-handed. I don’t have a good side to find.”
Semyazah looks a little dazed. What I’ve done to Lucifer’s beautiful room. How I let a damned soul talk back to me. Maybe imagination and rolling with the weirdness of the moment is what humans have over angels.
“Let people know if Bill or the bar get scratched, I’m going to cut so many throats they’ll think I’m getting paid piecework.”
“Always the diplomat.”
“Oh. If you feel like overthrowing me while I’m gone, please do.”
“Thank you for your permission but, no, I prefer soldiers to politicians and madmen.”
I weigh the duffel bag in my hand. It’s just a few pounds. Not much to show for three months as God’s redheaded stepchild.
“If Deumos breaks her neck or chokes to death on a ham sandwich, you’re going to have to do something about it.”
“I won’t send troops into the Tabernacle.”
“Then make sure there’s no reason to. You have spies in the church?”
“I’m a general. I have spies everywhere.”
“Good. Give them a kick in the ass and tell them to keep their eyes on Merihim and his sky pilots. One more thing. I want someone to make a list of all the current punishments for damned souls. We’re going to be making a few changes there.”
“Is that all, Lucifer?”
I walk to him and put out my hand.
“Good luck, General.”
Semyazah stares at it and then at me before putting out his own hand.
“I won’t see you off, if you don’t mind.”
“Until we figure things out, the farther you stay away from me the better.”
Semyazah nods curtly and goes off to polish bullets or give the troops a sponge bath, whatever it is generals do between wars.
Bill is on his feet. He has his hat in his hand and he’s looking at the floor.
“What can I say, Bill? You’re my Abilene Bodhisattva. I’m trying to pick and choose my fights better. All those people that got killed in the market, it wasn’t me. It was the Magic 8 Ball. I swear on Lee Van Cleef’s grave.”
He shakes his head, smiling.
“I don’t understand half of what you just said but that’s all right. We never had royalty in the family before.”
Bill isn’t the hugging type, so we shake hands.
On his way out he says, “Don’t forget the bed. I’ll owe you a drink when you get back.”
“If things go right, everyone in Creation is going to owe me a drink.”
When I’m alone I go to the phone and push the PISSANTS button.
A female voice picks up.
“My lord?”
“Who is this?”
“Malabraxas. I’m assistant to Brimborion.”
“He isn’t coming to work for like forever, so you get to steal all his Post-its. But before that, I want you to call down and clear out the garage. I don’t want anyone down there for an hour.”
“Yes, my lord.”
“Don’t call me ‘lord.’ ”
“Yes, Lucifer.”
“You got it on the first try. Congratulations. You just got Brimborion’s job. Let Semyazah know. Also, send a cleanup crew to my room. There’s a couple of bodies. They can’t miss them. But don’t call them until after you clear out the garage.”
“Yes, Lucifer.”
I go to the closet and get out my bloody leather bike pants and hoodie. I found it in a cemetery when I first got back from Hell. Yeah, that’s kind of disgusting but I’m the only one who knows where it came from and it doesn’t smell any worse than anything else down here. After surviving the market, the Magic 8 Ball, being burned in effigy, and getting my arm cut off, it feels kind of like a good-luck charm.
I take a quick look around at the room. Nothing I need or want. I pick up the duffel, step over Brimborion’s body, and head back to the library.