Embracing the Wolf

“Why are you frightened?” I asked, turning around. “Do you not think I am deserving?” A bit of anger laced the last part of my sentence.

He looked up, his face almost haggard looking. “I can’t feel you like before,” he said. “All I feel is … I don’t even know how to describe it. It feels like emptiness.”

A jolt of awareness shook me. “What do you mean? You don’t … love me anymore?”

He gave me a sad smile. “No, Chante, I will always love you. I don’t feel you. I can’t sense what you’re feeling or thinking. When I try, I just feel … emptiness. How did this happen?” He waved a hand toward me to signal my changes.

“I killed Veronica and two others,” I said. “Taren got away, though.”

His eyebrows rose as his eyes expanded. “That’s it, you killed three vampires and you turned into this?” Again, he signaled toward me as though I was some freak in a carnival sideshow.

“This,” I snapped, “is my destiny. It’s what I was always supposed to be. My wolf told me so.”

Adam’s face contorted into a mixture of surprise and confusion. “Your wolf told you?”

I nodded, turning toward the mirror again. I grabbed the brush and began running it through my hair. “It was unlike anything I’ve ever felt before, Adam. When her voice first sounded in my head, it scared me, but I feel it now.”

Adam stood and walked behind me. “Feel what?”

I met his eyes and smiled. “Power. It’s unbelievable, Adam. It courses through my veins like wildfire, intensifying everything: sounds, touches, scents. Make love to me, I want to feel you inside of me.” I moved toward Adam, but he took a step away from me. That hurt more than I cared to admit. The energy racing through my body demanded that I get angry, but seeing Adam step away from me only made me feel sad.

“I’m still me,” I said. “I am just more powerful now.”

Adam released a breath through his mouth that sounded like an exasperated snort. “Don’t you even care that I’ve been searching the mountain for caves all day, that some groups are still out there searching? Doesn’t it bother you that I can’t feel you anymore? How can you stand there and act like everything is okay? Nothing about this is okay, Anna.”

“Why,” I shouted, “because I’m not helpless anymore? Are you really so insecure that a powerful woman frightens you? This damsel is no longer in distress, Adam.”

Sadness consumed his features. His eyes softened, and his lips parted slightly. He began to reach an arm out to me, but dropped it before he touched me.

“I never thought of you that way,” he said. “You have never been weak in my eyes, but this … it’s driving a wedge between us. What I don’t like is that you don’t seem to notice it.”

Something splashed onto my cheek. I brought my fingertips up to find tears were falling from my eyes. This both confused and awakened me. With each teardrop that fell, I started to feel more like myself. It was like a veil had been covering my eyes and, ever so slowly, it was lifting. The rush of power was still strong, but not as overpowering as before. I blinked away the tears and felt that calming sensation wash through me.

“I’m still me,” I said, but I wasn’t sure if I was telling Adam or myself. I repeated those words in my head over and over.

I’m still me. I’m still me. I’m still me.

“I can’t undo what’s been done,” I continued. “I have a purpose, and I can’t shut my eyes to it, Adam, but,” I stepped away from the sink and moved toward him. He didn’t back away this time, and the butterflies swirling in my stomach did a happy dance. I wound my arms around his waist and rested my face against his chest. “I will try to not let it pull me away from you.” I looked up at him. “I am still and always will be yours, until you no longer want me.”

They will all want you. A voice remarked in my head. This time, I tried to ignore it instead of relish in the power behind its words.

“That will never happen,” Adam said. “We’ll research this, and see if there’s a way to—”

“What?” I said, stepping away from him. “Get rid of it? If you love me, you will love every part of me. This is not something I can get rid of. I was meant to be this, the Leader of tooth and claw.”

“Leader of tooth and claw,” Adam said with exasperation. “What does that mean, that you’re going to rule all the werewolves?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know,” I said, “but I do know that there is no cure for this.” I signaled to myself as Adam had done. “Just this once, be on my side. Support me and my new path.”

Adam gave a humorless laugh. “I’ve always been on your side, but I will not let this … mark … change the Anna I know and love. You said you’re still yourself, but it scares me how much you’re not. You look like my Anna, but you don’t feel like her.”

We stared at each other wordlessly, the silence louder than any words spoken. My heart jumped in my chest beneath my new tattoo, and while I felt all-powerful and entitled, seeing how tormented Adam was caused all that empowerment to wane. My heart raced not out of anger, but heartache. An internal battled waged inside my head, one side screaming that I do whatever Adam wanted and find a way to fix this, and the other side resenting him for turning this monumental moment in my life into something bad. It didn’t feel bad. It didn’t even feel wrong. I wasn’t drunk with the power or on a rampage to make all the wolves cower at my feet. Why couldn’t he see that the transformation I’d gone through as a good thing? Nobody would ever look at me and mutter that horrible four-letter word again—mutt. I was no longer just a dirty blood or a made wolf; I had been chosen for a coveted spot in our rankings, a ruler among the children of the moon. As my mate, shouldn’t he be proud of me?

“I can leave,” I finally said.

Adam snorted again and shook his head as though disgusted with me. The butterflies in my stomach dropped dead with his reaction.

“That’s exactly what I’m talking about,” he said. “Could you really leave me so easily, walk away from all of this?”

“Can you stand to live with me, to love me as though everything is normal?”

“Everything isn’t normal, Anna,” Adam shouted. “I want the old you back.”

I was quiet for a moment while I gathered my thoughts. On my walk back to the house I had envisioned our reunion, and thought of all the ways we would kiss and embrace each other. Seeing his reaction now left me stunned and pissed. It didn’t just hurt—it crushed me.

I held up my left palm so that my Chante brand showed. “This is the only proof you need to realize that we’re still meant for each other. No amount of wishing will bring the old me back. The past is meant to be behind us, not shared with our present or future. I don’t understand why you can’t get on board with this, with me.” When he began to talk, I held up my hand to stop him. “I’ll leave, give you time to think.” I didn’t wait to see if he would stop me, I knew he wouldn’t. I exited the bathroom and headed toward my bedroom to pack.

* * * *

“Knock, knock,” Elle said, peeking her head into my room. “Oh, are you okay?”

Since leaving the bathroom, fifteen minutes ago, I’d been a mess. I didn’t feel all-powerful right now. I just kept picturing Adam’s face and how he didn’t reach for me as I told him I was leaving. Some badass ruler I was turning out to be. Then again, that overwhelming power I felt before was now just a dull throb beneath my skin. I felt more like myself now, than I had in a long time.

“I’m fine,” I said, waving away Elle’s concerns. When I turned to face her, her lips dropped open in an O.

“They’re not that bad,” I said.

“Uh … no,” she stammered, “They’re just bright … orange. Like a neon marker.”

I grimaced. “If you’re trying to cheer me up, you’re doing a lousy job.”

Elle walked over to my bed and sat on the edge, bringing her knees up to rest on the bedrail. I shoved a wad of clothes into a duffel bag and walked back to my closet, hesitating just like I had been since I set foot in my room.

“You wanna tell me what’s going on?”

“It’s a long story,” I said.

“Okay, give me the short version.”

I turned around and hugged my arms to my chest. “Short version? I killed Veronica and two other vampires, and then this happened. My wolf and I are not one thing, but two. She talks to me, and I learned that I’m the white wolf from that twisted nursery rhyme. I even got a souvenir.” I pulled down the hem of my shirt so the glowing tattoo showed. Elle hopped off my bed and walked over to me, her eyes gaping as she studied the mark.

“And Adam doesn’t like tattooed women?” She raised one brow in question. I knew she was trying to lighten the mood, but I could not find humor in the situation.

“No, he doesn’t like powerful women,” I said. “I guess, I don’t know. He says I’m different, that he can’t feel me anymore. I can still feel him, though. For instance, right now his emotions are such a clusterfuck of anger and fear that I’m choking on them.” I blew out a breath, ruffling my hair. “I don’t know, I just think he needs time to accept my changes.”

“Something good came out it,” Elle said. “Chloe withdrew her challenge on you as soon as word got around about your new … self.”

I snorted. I had actually been looking forward to taking that bitch down.

Elle eyed my duffel bag. “You’re leaving the house?”

Shrugging, I said, “Yeah, just for a little bit. I want to give him some space.”

Elle ran her hands up and down my arms in a soothing motion, finally tugging me toward her in a hug. She ran a hand up my back, her fingers twining through my hair.