Flawed Love

“Rainer,” I croak, my voice thick with emotion.

“Night, Mali,” he mutters, stepping into the bathroom and slamming the door.

I let out a sob, and wrap my arms around myself.

Then I leave.

~*~*~*~

I can’t sleep that night.

I don’t know what the hell is going on in Rainer’s world, but I know it isn’t good. Whatever has happened has him changing before my eyes. I know he’s feeling the loss of his dad, even though he won’t admit it. He’s hurting, and he’s alone in the world. He has no siblings and no one to lean on. Which is exactly why I don’t want him to push me away. I’m the only family Rainer has left and I’m tired of it. I need him to know exactly how I feel, no matter the cost.

I roll over and take my phone, finding his number and punching it in. Then I send a text. It’s not the way I wanted to do this, but I don’t know that he’ll take it any other way. I love Rainer, I didn’t realize it until last week, but there it is. I don’t want him hurting. I don’t want his heart breaking. I want him to know he isn’t alone.

Emalie: You’re trying to push me away, and I get that. Right now, Rai Rai, you have no one else left in your world and that must feel like your soul is being ripped out. I don’t know what is going on and if you don’t want to tell me, that’s your choice, but I need you to know a few things.

I love you, Rainer Torrence. More than I should. I don’t know why I didn’t realize it sooner, but there it is. I need you to know that, not because I want you to sweep me off my feet, but because you need to understand that while you might not have anyone in your world, in my world, you’re everything. I’ll always be here.

I place the phone down and roll to my side, letting my tears fall hard and fast until they soak my pillow. I sob and tremble, unable to stop it. I’m devastated for him and I feel helpless, as if I can’t help him, no matter what I do. He’s in pain, and he is shutting me out. Life without Rainer terrifies me, and I don’t know what I’ll do if he decides he just can’t have me in his world anymore.

I’m still sobbing hard, so I don’t hear the window slide up. I don’t hear the footsteps across my floor. I only realize he’s in my room when my blankets are pulled back, and a big hard body slides in beside mine. I don’t stiffen, or freak out, because I know it’s him. He’s the only person who would come into my room and climb into my bed.

I keep crying. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me close, tucking my body into his. We lie like that for a long time, long enough for me to stop sobbing. He keeps his arms around me, so tight, so secure, and every now and then he nuzzles his face into my hair. I lace my fingers through his and just hang onto him, needing to feel him every second he’s giving me.

“I love you, too, Emalie,” he murmurs against my hair. “Have since the day you came into my life.”

My eyes open, and my heart starts pounding. “You do?”

“Yeah. I thought it was just normal friendship-love, until I kissed you that first time. Then I realized it’s so much more. I’m so fuckin’ sorry I was a cunt earlier. I’m . . . I need you to be safe right now.”

“Rainer, you’re scaring me,” I say, rolling so we’re facing each other.

“Yeah, I know that, kid, but can you trust that I know what I’m doing?”

“Are you going to get hurt?”

He goes silent.

“Rainer,” I whisper, my voice shaky.

“I’ll try as hard as I can not to, I promise you that.”

“How long are things going to be like this?”

“Not much longer.”

I shuffle forward and press my forehead against his. I can feel his hot breath against my mouth and my body breaks out into a thousand tiny prickles. He moves forward and his bottom lip grazes mine. God. He smells amazing and I want him. I don’t want to wait anymore. I want to be with him. I couldn’t want anything more in my life.

“Rainer?” I murmur against his lips.

“Yeah, kid?”

“You asked me to promise that I’d save myself for the right person—that I’d hang onto it until I knew it was right. It’s right, Rainer . . . with you, it’s right. I want it to be you.”

He doesn’t say anything for so long I wonder if he heard me, or maybe he doesn’t know how to respond.

“Emalie,” he says in a hoarse tone. “You need to be sure . . .”

“I’m sure. You’ve been my friend a long time, and I don’t know what this is growing between us, but I know I trust you more than anyone.”

“I don’t want you to regret this.”

“I’d never regret you.”

“You’re not eighteen yet . . .”

“And we’re not doing anything wrong, Rainer.”

He sighs and brings his lips back to mine, kissing me softly. It seems as if that’s all he’s going to do, and I wonder if he just doesn’t want it. His mouth is soft against mine, and his tongue is gently stroking, but I want more. I want him to touch me. I want to feel everything. I reach for his hand and press it against my breast and he groans.

“Emalie . . .”

“Please, Rainer . . .”

“I can’t promise you that it’ll be any more than this, and you deserve so much more. I fucking love you, I will for the rest of my life, but I don’t know that it’ll ever be more than that.”

“I don’t care. I only care about right here and right now.”

“Baby,” he murmurs.

“Please, Rainer, I want it to be you.”

He crushes his lips against mine again and I’m guessing that’s his answer. Thank God. I want nothing more. I reach up and curl my fingers into his thick, lush hair. He groans and our tongues dance in a frantic yet sensual pace as our bodies press closer together. There was a good, long time when I’d never have thought about being in this position with Rainer, but now I’m here I wonder why I never thought about it sooner.

Rainer rolls me gently to my back and brings his body over mine, kissing a path down my jaw. I close my eyes, loving every single second. He makes light work of my clothes and if it wasn’t for the dark, I’d be covering myself with shame. What if I’m not what he likes? Are my breasts big enough? Do I have too much curve, or not enough? Rainer’s hands find my shoulders, and slowly he starts dragging them down my skin.

“You’re fucking beautiful, Emalie,” he rasps, reaching my breasts and gently cupping them.

“You really think so?” I breathe.

“Fuck yeah, I do.”

I smile shakily but it’s cut off quickly with a gasp when Rainer starts rolling his fingers over my nipples. Oh gosh. Nothing has ever felt so amazing in my entire life.

“Rainer,” I gasp.

“You’re beautiful here.”

He does this until my body is arching up into his, then he slowly continues his path down my body. I can feel his erection pressing against my thighs as he trails kisses down my belly. My skin is alive and alert, fully aware of him. Every touch, every kiss—it’s as if my body knows who is delivering it. My entire world comes to a stand still when he reaches my most private place.