Freeing Carter(18)
Author: Nyrae Dawn

I take in her cheekbones of all things. They’re high and cut like a model’s. Not that I’ve ever noticed cheekbones before or knew they could be so perfect, but they are. I’m not sure if I’ll ever look at a girl’s cheekbones the same again. I have to bite my lip not to lean down and kiss her. God, I want to kiss her so bad, I’m dizzy, but instead I open my mouth and say, "I wasn’t thinking of Mel. When we kissed, I mean. I was thinking of you. I wanted to kiss you."

The Ladies Man of the Year award is so not going to me because she has me all upside down and backward, but I can’t find it in me to care.

"That’s good to know, Coach." Her breath is warm against my face. Warm and minty and even though I’ve never been a mint person, I’m totally craving it right now.

"And earlier? She told me she wanted me back, but I don’t want her. Just so you know."

This earns me another one of her smiles. "Good. Now come on, let’s go."

This time I don’t let her get away without being the one to grab her hand. As though she’s been here before, she weaves her way through the place again, pulling me along. I’m worried she might have been wrong and there’s not going to be a Jacuzzi here when we finally see a fence up ahead and to the left.

Okay, so I know I thought earlier that I had the worst luck, but now I’m thinking the opposite. It’s totally secluded, with tall bushes around most of the fence and pretty far into the complex. Now, if we can just get in the gate, I just might start to think I’m the luckiest guy in the world.

"Over here," I tell her as I head toward the far back of the fence. It’s brick back here. "Can you step in my hand and climb up if I lift you?"

"Absolutely. But what about you?"

"Don’t worry. Nothing is keeping me on this side of that wall."

There’s a lamp on the other side, but it gives me enough light to see her. Kira laughs and shakes her head, but I think for the first time, I see a hit of red in her light brown skin. Linking my hands together, I hold them out. Kira steps in, grabs the top of the wall, and pulls herself up. The ledge is wide enough that she’s sitting on it.

"We totally scored. There’s a table on this side."

"Nice." I hand her the bags. Then I jump, grabbing the ledge of the wall and hoping like hell I’m strong enough to pull myself up. How lame would I look if I couldn’t do it?

But I can. I pull until I can throw my leg up on the ledge and straddle the wall like she is. "Let me get down first and I’ll help you." Jumping down to the table, I hold my arms out for her and she lowers herself into them before standing on the table with me.

I almost go for it right there, not able to hold myself back from touching my lips to hers, but she leaps to the ground before I get the chance. She pulls her shoes off, then her socks. "Can I wear the shirt and shorts from your bag?"

"No," leaps out of my mouth, but then I hand the bag to her. "I want it on record that I think skinny dipping is a much better idea."

"I’m sure no one would doubt that, Coach, but who knows what the old people do in that water."

Good point.

Kira holds up her hand and draws a circle in the air with her finger. "Turn around."

This girl is going to be the death of me, but I turn around so she can change. Her jersey hits the table, then a shirt. Kira is in her bra behind me. Let me repeat that, Kira is in her bra behind me and there’s nothing in the world I want more than to turn around to see her. I hear more shuffling of clothes before her pants are on the table, too.

"You can turn around now."

Yeah. Now that the show’s over. She’s already lowering a foot into the water when I take off my shirt. She has to hold my shorts up so they don’t fall off her. The t-shirt drowns her, but I’m pretty sure she’s still the hottest girl I’ve ever seen.

And I totally need to get my head together.

My pants come next and I pull on the other pair of shorts I had in my bag. "Care if I turn on the jets and stuff?" I ask her. She shakes her head. I open the little box on the wall and turn them on. It’s kind of loud, and I hope nobody will come out to check. A few seconds later, I lower myself into the water with her.

Silence.

Kira leans her head backward, closes her eyes, obviously enjoying the quiet, but me? I’m not as good with it. I want to say something, but I’m not sure what. But then, Kira saves me, or ruins me. I’m not sure which.

"You don’t drink, Carter Shaw."

It’s not a question, but I answer it. My chest feels like it’s cracked open, baring my pounding heart, but I answer. Honestly.

"Nope." I’m amazed at how good it feels to admit it, when really, I haven’t admitted to anything yet. But not lying? That’s the part that I revel in. I still can’t believe I said it, but I’m glad. "Do you ever wonder about them? Your parents?"

This conversation should feel strange. I shouldn’t be asking her this, but somehow it’s okay. Right, even.

"All. The. Time. I try not to, but I do." Her eyes open and they find mine. "It’s pointless. I know that, but it’s hard not to wonder. Did I have a different name? Was I born in a hospital? When’s my birthday? I don’t even know my history. Was my mom black? Dad? Am I part Italian, too? White? I know nothing." And then she slips away from me, kneeling in the middle of the hot tub, so the water goes up to her neck. Which, by the way, is pretty perfect too. "Where’s your dad?"

I lean forward, but don’t leave the seat. "He died. Heart attack while playing basketball. He’s why I started playing."

We both pause for a second and I think about him. How different life would be if he never died.

"I’m sorry."

"Me, too," is all I can say in return.

"Oh! I have an idea. Let’s play Truth or Dare. You wanna play with me?"

The hair at the nape of her neck is wet, curling a little. She’s giving me one of her smiles, water sloshing all around her. I couldn’t deny her anything right now. "Truth or Dare?" I ask.

"Dare."

"I dare you to sit by me." The words weren’t planned, but I’m glad they were the first thing to pop out of my mouth.

Kira laughs and comes back to sit beside me. "You didn’t have to waste a turn on that. All you had to do was ask. I want to play a different way though. Every time we pick truth, the other person doesn’t get to ask a question. You just give a truth. Whatever you want the other person to know. That way, anything we give is our choice, and we only have to share what we really want, ya know? You tell me what you want me to know…or what you need to say, and I’ll do the same. Deal?"

What I need to say… There’s a lot I need to say: about Mom, Sara, even about Kira. How I want to know everything about her. How I want to kiss her again, but I’m also a little freaked out about where it could lead, even though I also really want to go there. "So you really do want the whole baring-of-the-soul thing? I thought you said guys aren’t good at that?"

"I only want to see what you want to show me. Otherwise, the pictures don’t matter. Not if they’re on display by force instead of want."

I nod. "I’m good with that." She makes everything make more sense. I’m not sure how she does it. It’s like she confuses me and is crystal clear at the same time. I feel like I know her better than anyone else, but I really don’t know her at all. Is it true what she said? That stuff about people with pasts or secrets? I’m not really sure I believe in that kindred spirit stuff, but I do know she makes me feel different than I do with anyone else.

"Yay!" She claps excitedly. "Okay, you can ask me since your first one didn’t count."

I totally should tell her no, but I need to know what kind of things she’s going to tell me so I know what I should say to her. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth. Hmmm, let me think." She sways a little, the water sloshing around her again. "You already know I draw, but I read, too. A lot. I like books that make me think. Books about people and who they are. Why they do things. Stuff like that."

I can see that.

"What about you, Coach? Truth or dare?"

"Truth." This is an easy one. "I hate to read."

"Ugh. And I thought I liked you."

"Hey! It’s not my fault. It just takes me forever to understand it. I have to read everything like five times before it sinks in. Pisses me off when I can’t do something, so I try not to do it." Even though I should be embarrassed about what I just admitted, I’m not. Which is a mystery for me to dissect later. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth, of course."

At this point, I’m wondering if we’ll even need the dare. Did she just want to talk to me, but played it off like a game? I scoot a little closer to her.

"Okay. The first time I dyed my hair, I was fifteen. I’ve been addicted to it ever since."

We go on like that, back and forth, first with little things like hobbies and music, before moving up to irrational fears, first crushes and kisses. Neither of us pick dare, but we always ask. I’m about as close as I can get to her now, but it’s not close enough. I can’t stop looking at her hair with the stupid pen in it, or her cheekbones, or trying to smell her over the chlorine in the water.

Finally, when I can’t hold myself back anymore I let my hand move to the back of her neck. My thumb brushes those little wet hairs and her skin is so hot against my hand, but it’s still not enough of her heat for me. "Truth or dare?" I ask her again.

"Truth." But that’s all she says. All the time in the world could have passed or none at all. All I focus on is her breathing and how it speeds up. Her eyes and how they drift closed. When I feel like I could burst out of my skin, she finally speaks. "Sometimes I wonder…if it’s somehow my fault that they left me." Now she’s looking at me, her big eyes staring right into mine, brave and unflinching. "I know it’s stupid, right? I mean, I was a baby, but I wonder. Maybe I never stopped crying. Or they never wanted me. Or knew I would grow up to be to be something they hated."

It’s no longer a game. The second she started this truth, I knew that. We really are baring our souls and if there’s anyone I want to show what’s inside me, it’s her.

"Truth or dare?" she whispers.

"Truth." I concentrate on my hand massaging her neck. The difference in my white skin to hers. Anything except for what I’m about to say. Anything besides the sudden urge I have to go Incredible Hulk again. "My mom’s an alcoholic. No one knows except for me and Sara’s dad. Actually, that’s a lie. I’m a liar because I let him think she quit."

Kira’s mouth turns down. Her eyes look at me in a way no one ever has before. It’s not pity, but it’s sorrow. Like somehow my admission hurts her as much as it does me.

This time, I don’t ask and she doesn’t offer truth, she just gives one. "I don’t know who I am or who I want to be. How can I when I don’t even know where I came from? If the people who were supposed to love me gave me away?" Her voice is so soft that even though she’s inches away from me, I have to struggle to make out her words.

It all makes sense now. Her style changes, hair changes. Being the straight ‘A’ student who likes breaking and entering. Or how she’s not a cheer girl or a sports girl, but she lit up playing ball with me. No matter what I’ve been through, I’ve always known who I am. I’m Tommy and Delilah’s son. I’m the basketball player. Sara’s big brother. The keeper of Mom’s secret. The liar. But Kira? She doesn’t know. Suddenly, I need to give her something too. Like she showed me her pain and I need to show her mine. Even the field between us again.