Freeing Carter(21)
Author: Nyrae Dawn

The tears are rolling down her face now, her words struggling to come out. My eyes start to feel wet too.

"I’m done, Carter. It’s not my crutch anymore. This time, I swear it won’t happen again."

Mom pulls me into a hug and I fight crying as hard as she is. Hate that even though she’s so sad, I’m happy. How can I be anything but happy when this time, for real, I know things will be okay. That she’s done. That I won’t ever have to worry about alcohol trying to take her over again.

***

Mom and I both play it off like nothing is wrong when Sara comes in, asking for something to eat. Mom heads to the kitchen to make her a snack.

"I have to go pick Kira up and take her home," I tell her. "Will you be okay?"

Mom smiles and it looks so real. Maybe she’s just as good at hiding as I’ve always been. "Of course. Sara and I will have some popcorn and hang out. Tell Kira hi for us, okay?"

"Okay." I start to walk out, but then turn walk over and give Mom a hug first, hoping it shows her I’m sorry and that I believe in her. "Catch ya later, Twig." I tell Sara and then make my way out.

Kira’s closing up the store when I get there. She’s wearing jeans again. She’s been wearing them more often, but she’s topped it off with a tie-dyed sweatshirt that looks like something I’ve seen in movies that take place in the 60’s.

While she finishes counting down the drawer, I make sure all the lights are off in the display cases. "Ready?" I ask as I walk up to her.

"Nope." Then, leaning forward, she gives me a quick kiss. "Now I am, Coach."

I thread my fingers through hers, wanting to feel her close to me. We have to let go for her to lock the door, but then we’re attached again until I’m driving and she’s sitting in the passenger side.

"I’m thinking about adding some red in my hair. What do you think?" Kira rolls her window down a bit. I’ve noticed that about her. That even if it’s not hot, she seems to like the fresh air.

"I think it will look cool. I like your hair natural, too, though."

"Yeah?" I feel her eyes on me in the dark truck.

"Absolutely. You’re gorgeous. I totally have a hot girlfriend."

Kira laughs like I hoped she would, stalls a couple seconds and then says, "I’ll think about it."

I’m not sure what that means. If she’ll think about keeping her hair as it is? Like I said, I like her no matter what. I love that I never know what to expect from her, but I want her to do it just for fun, not to search for the girl who’s already sitting next to me.

Kira’s quieter than usual. I keep glancing at her, but her eyes stay forward. Soon, she’s putting her window down all the way, her arm hanging out as she makes waves in the wind. Shouldn’t be so sexy, but it is. Everything she does makes me see things differently. Even stupid arm waves.

And if anyone could hear my thoughts right now, I’d never live it down.

"You okay over there?" I ask, reaching my hand over to lay it on her thigh.

"Just thinking…"

"Truth or dare," I throw at her. It’s up to her, if she wants to talk or not. That’s the way we work, but this way, she knows I’m here to talk. That, just like she said, I want to know anything about her she wants to tell me.

Leaning back, she puts her feet up on my dashboard. "Truth. Lana might have found my mom."

"What?" Before she can reply, I pull over. This is definitely a park-on-the-side-of-the-road kind of conversation. The truck glows when I hit the interior light. "How did that happen?"

"I asked her to look a long time ago. She’s done a lot of work for shelters around LA. Knows a lot of people. We always figured my…mom? That she had to be homeless or whatever. So people listen, ya know? One of the women, I guess she just got clean or something, she’s still on the streets, but she’s been asking around about a baby who was left at a shelter."

Just got clean. On the streets. Asking about a baby. "Come here." My hand cups her cheek and slides through her hair. I want nothing more than to be here for her, take care of her, let her know I’m here to listen or do whatever she needs. Because that’s what she does for me, even if she doesn’t realize it. And it feels good to give and take.

Kira scoots closer to me. Our foreheads touch. I’m still holding her, feeling the soft strands of her hair brushing against my fingers. "How do you feel about that? Her? I mean, do you want to meet her?"

She breathes. I breathe. We take turns, the heat of our air lingering and blending between us.

"I don’t know. I mean, Lana’s always been there. She loves me and I love her, so is it wrong to want to see who this lady is? I don’t want to hurt Lana, and no matter what, she’s my mom, but…"

I let my hand slide through her hair and cup the back of her neck.

"I also need to know who I am, Carter. She can tell me that."

"Hey." When I back away enough to see her, I notice her eyes are flooded. I’ve seen a lot of girls I care about cry: Mom, Sara, Mel, but nothing is like seeing Kira cry. She’s fun, and wild, and free and happy. Tears don’t belong in her eyes. Frowns don’t belong on her lips. It’s not right. "You have to do what you want, but meeting her? That’s not going to tell you who you are. You already know who you are. I know who you are. You don’t need her for that."

"You do?"

"I do. And I like what I see."

A smile is her reply. "I like what I see, too, Carter Shaw."

When she asks me truth or dare, the truth sticks to my tongue. I want to tell her about grandpa, about Mom, but more than that, I want tonight to be about her and making her feel better without my problems pushing their way in.

"Dare," I tell her. "Dare me to kiss you."

Kira laughs. "I don’t have to dare you to do that." And then it’s her who leans forward to kiss me, but right before her lips touch mine, I speak again.

"Go to winter formal with me."

"I would have thought that was a given, Coach."

We’re both laughing as our lips meet in the middle.

Chapter Fifteen

"It feels weird waiting for Kira to come over here instead of picking her up. Shouldn’t I lose points for that or something?" I’m standing in front of the mirror, slipping on my suit jacket. My black slacks are a little baggy, just how I like them. I thought about tucking in the white, button-up shirt, but it it’s not really my style and I know Kira won’t mind. She’ll want me to be me. I went back and forth on the tie, but ditched it, too. Unfortunately, my Nikes had to go, replaced by a pair of black dress shoes. I can’t imagine if I tried to pull this off with Mel. I probably wouldn’t even have tried.

"No, you don’t lose points for that. Lana had to go to work and she wants to see you guys together. Are you sure you shouldn’t wear the tie?" Mom asks from the doorway.

"Nope."

"Okay, what about your hair? It’s a little messy."

Kira likes it like this, I want to tell her. "I brushed it after I washed it." Mom groans so I turn to her. "Mom, I know Kira. She’s not like other girls. She’s different. She’d probably laugh at me if I tried too hard."

Mom steps up behind me, brushing invisible lint off my shoulders. "You really like her, don’t you?"

My chest starts to feel a little tight. "Yeah."

Mom takes a couple deep breaths, and I know something big is coming. "You’re being safe, right? I’m not an idiot. Even though I’d rather you waited, I know how it is. I just want to make sure you’re being careful. Taking care of your responsibilities, which are to always, always use a condom."

So not the thing I want to talk about with my mom. "Mom…"

"I know it’s embarrassing, but it’s also important. Do you need protection? I—"

My cheeks feel hot. I don’t remember the last time I blushed. Pulling away, "Lalalala," I tease. "We really don’t have to do this, Ma. We’re not sleeping together and if it does happen, I have it under control. I won’t be stupid about it." End of story. I hope.

A smile tugs at the corners of Mom’s mouth. She’s been smiling a lot lately. Still not drinking, even after all the crap with Grandpa. Hopefully he’ll stay hidden away in his new nursing home and we won’t have to deal with him again.

"I know you won’t. If I don’t say it enough, there aren’t words for how proud I am of you. Your father would be, too. You’re so much like him." Mom touches my cheek. "Any time I’m missing him, I just have to look at you. You’re a wonderful guy, just like him."

"I…" It’s the first time she’s said that to me. We talk about him all the time. I know how much she loved him, still loves him, but she’s never told me any of this. For the millionth time, I wish he could be here with us. How different would our lives have been if he never died? I bet she wouldn’t drink. I never remember her drinking when he was alive. But then…we wouldn’t have Sara, either, so it’s not like I can really wish for him to be here.

"I know, Carter," Mom says, saving me.

Turning toward the mirror again, I straighten the collar on my jacket. "You have to admit, I look good."

***

Holy shit.

I can’t move out of the entryway to my house. One hand is on the door, the other against the wall, blocking Kira and Lana from entering, but I can’t find it in myself to step out of the way. My body temperature spikes about a million degrees. I try to fight it, but my mind goes back to the conversation I had with Mom a little while ago, suddenly wanting to be in the situation where I’ll need the protection she talked about.

Kira is always gorgeous. Tonight, I realize she’s the most beautiful girl in the world.

Her hair is straight, but tied up in some kind of ball. Little wispy multi-color ribbons blend in, hanging down. I love her hair down, but up like this, it shows me her neck. Her very nice neck. I like necks.

Her dress reaches right above her knees, showing me her legs. I like legs.

The straps are thin, I don’t know what they’re called, but they show me her collarbone, shoulders. Lots of creamy brown skin. I like skin.

Even though the bottom of her dress flares out, the top is tight. Not too tight, but hugging her curves, her br**sts. I like curves and br**sts.

Her dress is kind of silky, and colorful, just like her. All the bright colors from her ribbons are in the dress, too. I like it. I like her.

"Fancy seeing you here, Coach." Her teeth are so white. My porch light glints off the tiny diamond in her nose. I take in her cheekbones again. Everything about her I want to study. To know in a way that I can never forget it.

My brain knows I should reply, but I can’t. I just can’t stop staring.

Lana leans toward her and says, "I think he likes it."

Her words pull me out of my Kira-trance. Lana ducks under my arm, either joining my mom behind me or running all the way to China for all I know. The most important thing is she’s left me and Kira alone. "You’re incredible," I finally say.

A dusting of red highlights her cheeks and travels south. "You’re not so bad yourself."

***

"I hope that’s okay. I thought you’d like it better than roses or something like that." I wanted to give her a corsage that was different like her, so I’m hoping the Lily isn’t too…big. Travis stood in the florist with me for an hour. And he totally gave me crap about it a couple times too, but it’s been worth it. "I didn’t realize it would be so…"