Good For You

Instead of leaving me feeling dirty, I feel clean. I unloaded my soul. I burdened him with my ugly little secret. He doesn’t have to carry it forever. Once I’m gone, he can lay it down. Leave it there. Forget. I’l never be able to do that, and I couldn’t deal, alone. Not for a single day more.

I pul on my jeans, brush my hair back and fasten it at my nape with an elastic I dig out of my bag, wash my face, brush my teeth. I have a travel-sized Crest in the Mary Poppins bag, but I use Reid’s organic whitening toothpaste instead. It tastes like him.

When I come out of the bathroom, he’s stil sound asleep. He’s rol ed onto his stomach into the warm place I left behind, sculpted arms around the pil ow, bare shoulders above the sheet. I swal ow the lump in my throat as I walk to his side and pul the covers higher. He sighs and burrows farther under, and I can’t stop my fingers from sweeping the hair from his forehead. I don’t know what we’ve been playing at—hiding from the paparazzi, from my parents, from everyone. I don’t know what this is, or was.

And then I think: I could fight for it. For him.

Turning the thought over in my mind, I stare down at the shel curve of his ear, poking out between wisps of tousled dark blond hair. He’s overdue for a haircut because I’d whispered that I like it a little too long. My gaze moves to the relaxed lines of his mouth—lips both yielding and demanding. I think of what he did to me last night with that mouth, and I can barely breathe.

I could go home and inform my parents that I love and respect them, but I’m eighteen and I have my own life to live, my own choices to make. Adrenaline spikes through me as I imagine their possible reactions in light of Dad’s statement: as long as you’re living here. Would they yel ?

Lay down the law? Kick me out? I’m terrified of their anger and disappointment, but the thought of severing my and disappointment, but the thought of severing my connection with Reid before I even know what it could be seems far more dismal.

I kiss Reid’s forehead. He’s such a sound sleeper that he barely stirs beyond another sigh. I pul on my jacket and leave a note under his phone: Going home to face the music. I’ll call you later. I chew my lip, take a deep breath.

My optimism is trying to push through. At least I won’t have to lie about seeing him anymore—that cover is blown. Mom and Dad won’t actual y throw me out, wil they? I’ve never defied my parents before, not like this, not even close. I have no idea what they’l do. But I feel strong. I can do this. I can do this.

Don’t worry, I add to the note, and then sign D.

***

After I let myself in, I find them both in the kitchen, parked in their usual places at the table. I take a deep breath and try to assess where we stand. Mom is in her hospital scrubs, the baby blue ones with the tiny darker blue stork print. Dad is dressed, shoes and al , despite the early hour. Coffee mugs are clenched in their hands. Both of them glance in my direction and then at each other, silently communicating, a skil they’ve perfected.

I pour myself a cup of coffee even though I’m far too on edge to add caffeine to my system. I pul my chair out and lower myself into it, hoping they’ve already told each other that it’s time to let go, let me make my own decisions, come to my own moral conclusions. Heat floods my face as I realize that they believe Reid and I had sex. Of course, there was intense intimacy in what Reid and I did. The fact that we did sleep together, for the second time, was also intimate. Al of it, however, is not their business, and I prepare to say this to them for the first time ever while I wait for one of them to speak. My heart is pounding.

Dad clears his throat. “Dori, your mother and I have some things we’d like to say before you… tel us your thoughts.”

Gripping the warm mug in my hands, I am perfectly stil , listening.

“First, we want to apologize. We’ve neglected you, ignored you even, since your sister’s accident. Please understand, we never intended for you to think you weren’t important to us, too. That you weren’t as… as loved as Deborah.” He falters and I feel tears burning. “We know you’re not a child anymore, but you don’t have the life experiences we do. We can’t stop wanting to keep you safe just because you’re a legal adult.” This approach is unanticipated and I can’t shift gears fast enough to catch up.

Their earnest expressions mirror each other. “Dori.” Mom’s voice is hoarse—she must have cried al night. She takes my hand. “Honey, what you’re doing is dangerous and self-destructive. I understand why you’d react this way, after what’s happened to Deb. But please, don’t do this.

This boy isn’t safe. This relationship can’t last—you must know that. I remember how you were after your breakup with that Colin… we couldn’t shake you out of your depression. Your dad and I were terrified at how you reacted to that loss. If not for Deb coming home…” She breaks with a sob, tightening her grip. Deb wil never come home again. “I can’t lose another daughter now. Please, Dori.”

Tears stream down my face and my brain races back over the past several weeks. I have behaved dangerously and acted in a self-destructive manner. I went to a club, got fal ing-down drunk, and almost left with a stranger. I could have been raped or beaten up. I could have been kil ed.

My relationship with Reid is unspecified and tenuous.

I’ve known, and even last night I knew, that it won’t last.

Basking in him, I closed my eyes to the inevitable conclusion and how it wil affect me. For the first time, I compare my feelings for Reid to what I felt for Colin, and I realize I’m in deep. I’m in so deep. I’m fal ing for him, and if I al ow it to grow any stronger, the end wil devastate me in a way that would make Colin’s desertion seem trivial.