Good Omens

They both read to the child extensively from the Book of Revelation.

Despite their best efforts Warlock showed a regrettable tendency to be good at maths. Neither of his tutors was entirely satisfied with his progress.

When Warlock was ten he liked baseball; he liked plastic toys that transformed into other plastic toys indistinguishable from the first set of plastic toys except to the trained eye; he liked his stamp collection; he liked banana.. flavor bubble gum; he liked comics and cartoons and his B.M.X. bike.

Crowley was troubled.

They were in the cafeteria of the British Museum, another refuge for all weary foot soldiers of the Cold War. At the table to their left two ramrod.. straight Americans in suits were surreptitiously handing over a briefcase full of deniable dollars to a small dark woman in sunglasses; at the table on their right the deputy head of M17 and the local KGB section officer argued over who got to keep the receipt for the tea and buns.

Crowley finally said what he had not even dared to think for the last decade.

“If you ask me,” Crowley said to his counterpart, “he’s too bloody normal.”

Aziraphale popped another deviled egg into his mouth, and washed it down with coffee. He dabbed his lips with a paper napkin.

“It’s my good influence,” he beamed. “Or rather, credit where credit’s due, that of my little team.”

Crowley shook his head. “I’m taking that into account. Look.. by now he should be trying to warp the world around him to his own desires, shaping it in his own image, that kind of stuff. Well, not actually trying. He’ll do it without even knowing it. Have you seen any evidence of that happening?”

“Well, no, but …”

“By now he should be a powerhouse of raw force. Is he?”

“Well, not as far as I’ve noticed, but …”

“He’s too normal.” Crowley drummed his fingers on the table. “I don’t like it. There’s something wrong. I just can’t put my finger on it.”

Aziraphale helped himself to Crowley’s slice of angel cake. “Well, he’s a growing boy. And, of course, there’s been the heavenly influence in his life.”

Crowley sighed. “I just hope he’ll know how to cope with the hellhound, that’s all.”

Aziraphale raised one eyebrow. “Hell.. hound?”

“On his eleventh birthday. I received a message from Hell last night.” The message had come during “The Golden Girls,” one of Crowley’s favorite television programs. Rose had taken ten minutes to deliver what could have been quite a brief communication, and by the time noninfernal service was restored Crowley had quite lost the thread of the plot. “They’re sending him a hell.. hound, to pad by his side and guard him from all harm. Biggest one they’ve got.”

“Won’t people remark on the sudden appearance of a huge black dog? His parents, for a start.”

Crowley stood up suddenly, treading on the foot of a Bulgarian cultural Attaché, who was talking animatedly to the Keeper of Her Majesty’s Antiques. “Nobody’s going to notice anything out of the ordinary. It’s reality, angel. And young Warlock can do what he wants to that, whether he knows it or not.”

“When does it turn up, then? This dog? Does it have a name?”

“I told you. On his eleventh birthday. At three o’clock in the afternoon. It’ll sort of home in on him. He’s supposed to name it himself. It’s very important that he names it himself. It gives it its purpose. It’ll be Killer, or Terror, or Stalks.. by.. Night, I expect.”

“Are you going to be there?” asked the angel, nonchalantly.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the worlds,” said Crowley. “I do hope there’s nothing too wrong with the child. We’ll see how he reacts to the dog, anyway. That should tell us something. I hope he’ll send it back, or be frightened of it. If he does name it, we’ve lost. He’ll have all his powers and Armageddon is just around the corner.”

“I think,” said Aziraphale, sipping his wine (which had just ceased to be a slightly vinegary Beaujolais, and had become a quite acceptable, but rather surprised, Chateau Lafitte 1875), “I think I’ll see you there.”

Wednesday

t was a hot, fume.. filled August day in Central London.

Warlock’s eleventh birthday was very well attended.

There were twenty small boys and seventeen small girls. There were a lot of men with identical blond crew cuts, dark blue suits, and shoulder holsters. There was a crew of caterers, who had arrived bearing jellies, cakes, and bowls of crisps. Their procession of vans was led by a vintage Bentley.

The Amazing Harvey and Wanda, Children’s Parties a Specialty, had both been struck down by an unexpected tummy bug, but by a providential turn of fortune a replacement had turned up, practically out of the blue. A stage magician.

Everyone has his little hobby. Despite Crowley’s urgent advice, Aziraphale was intending to turn his to good use.

Aziraphale was particularly proud of his magical skills. He had attended a class in the 1870s run by John Maskelyne, and had spent almost a year practicing sleight of hand, palming coins, and taking rabbits out of hats. He had got, he had felt at the time, quite good at it. The point was that although Aziraphale was capable of doing things that could make the entire Magic Circle hand in their wands, he never applied what might be called his intrinsic powers to the practice of sleight.. of.. hand conjuring. Which was a major drawback. He was beginning to wish that he’d continued practicing.

Still, he mused, it was like riding a velocipede. You never forgot how. His magician’s coat had been a little dusty, but it felt good once it was on. Even his old patter began to come back to him.

The children watched him in blank, disdainful incomprehension. Behind the buffet Crowley, in his white waiter’s coat, cringed with contact embarrassment.

“Now then, young masters and mistresses, do you see my battered old top hat? What a shocking bad hat, as you young’uns do say! And see, there’s nothing in it. But bless my britches, who’s this rum customer? Why, it’s our furry friend, Harry the rabbit!”

“It was in your pocket,” pointed out Warlock. The other children nodded agreement. What did he think they were? Kids?

Aziraphale remembered what Maskelyne had told him about dealing with hecklers. “Make a joke of it, you pudding.. heads.. and I do mean you, Mr. Fell” (the name Aziraphale had adopted at that time), “Make ’em laugh, and they’ll forgive you anything!”

“Ho, so you’ve rumbled my hat trick, ” he chuckled. The children stared at him impassively.

“You’re rubbish,” said Warlock. “I wanted cartoons anyway.”