Good Omens
Citron found one of his hands reaching for the cockerel. “Rather unsanitary place to do your cooking, don’t you think? Out here in the jungle. Having a barbecue, are we? What kind of place is this?”
“Haitian,” he answered.
“Damn! Nowhere near. Still, could be worse. Ah, I must be on my way. Be good.”
And Citron Deux.. Chevaux was alone in his head.
“Loas be buggered,” he muttered to himself He stared into nothing for a while, and then reached for the satchel and its bottle of Chivas Regal. There are at least two ways to turn someone into a zombie. He was going to take the easiest.
The surf was loud on the beaches. The palms shook.
A storm was coming.
* * *
The lights went up. The Power Cable (Nebraska) Evangelical Choir launched into “Jesus is the Telephone Repairman on the Switchboard of My Life,” and almost drowned out the sound of the rising wind.
Marvin O. Bagman adjusted his tie, checked his grin in the mirror, patted the bottom of his personal assistant (Miss Cindi Kellerhals, Penthouse Pet of the Month three years ago last July; but she had put that all behind her when she got Career), and he walked out onto the studio floor.
Jesus won’t cut you off before you’re through
With him you won’t never get a crossed line,
And when your bill comes it’ll all be properly itemized
He’s the telephone repairman on the switchboard of my life,
the choir sang. Marvin was fond of that song. He had written it himself. Other songs he had written included: “Happy Mister Jesus,” “Jesus, Can I Come and Stay at Your Place?” “That OI’ Fiery Cross,” “Jesus Is the Sticker on the Bumper of My Soul,” and “When I’m Swept Up by the Rapture Grab the Wheel of My Pick.. Up.” They were available on Jesus Is My Buddy (LP, cassette, and CD), and were advertised every four minutes on Bagman’s evangelical network. [$12.95 per LP or cassette, $24.95 per CD, although you got a free copy of the LP with every $500 you donated to Marvin Bagman’s mission.]
Despite the fact that the lyrics didn’t rhyme, or, as a rule, make any sense, and that Marvin, who was not particularly musical, had stolen all the tunes from old country songs, Jesus Is My Buddy had sold over four million copies.
Marvin had started off as a country singer, singing old Conway Twitty and Johnny Cash songs.
He had done regular live concerts from San Quentin jail until the civil rights people got him under the Cruel and Unusual Punishment clause.
It was then that Marvin got religion. Not the quiet, personal kind, that involves doing good deeds and living a better life; not even the kind that involves putting on a suit and ringing people’s doorbells; but the kind that involves having your own TV network and getting people to send you money.
He had found the perfect TV mix, on Marvin’s Hour of Power (“The show that put the FUN back into Fundamentalist!”). Four threeminute songs from the LP, twenty minutes of Hellfire, and five minutes of healing people. (The remaining twenty.. three minutes were spent alternately cajoling, pleading, threatening, begging, and occasionally simply asking for money.) In the early days he had actually brought people into the studio to heal, but had found that too complicated, so these days he simply proclaimed visions vouchsafed to him of viewers all across America getting magically cured as they watched. This was much simpler.. he no longer needed to hire actors, and there was no way anyone could check on his success rate. [It might have surprised Marvin to know there actually was a success rate. Some people would get better from anything.]
The world is a lot more complicated than most people believe. Many people believed, for example, that Marvin was not a true Believer because he made so much money out of it. They were wrong. He believed with all his heart. He believed utterly, and spent a lot of the money that flooded in on what he really thought was the Lord’s work.
The phone line to the saviour’s always free of interference
He’s in at any hour, day or night
And when you call J.. E.. S.. U.. S you always call toll free
He’s the telephone repairman on the switchboard of my life.
The first song concluded, and Marvin walked in front of the cameras and raised his arms modestly for silence. In the control booth, the engineer turned down the Applause track.
“Brothers and sisters, thank you, thank you, wasn’t that beautiful? And remember, you can hear that song and others just as edifyin’ on Jesus Is My Buddy, just phone 1.. 800.. CASH and pledge your donation now.”
He became more serious.
"Brothers and sisters, I’ve got a message for you all, an urgent message from our Lord, for you all, man and woman and little babes, friends, let me tell you about the Apocalypse. It’s all there in your bible, in the Revelation our Lord gave Saint John on Patmos, and in the Book of Daniel. The Lord always gives it to you straight, friends.. your future. So what’s goin’ to happen?
"War. Plague. Famine. Death. Rivers urv blurd. Great earthquakes. Nukyeler missiles. Horrible times are cumin’, brothers and sisters. And there’s only one way to avoid ’em.
"Before the Destruction comes.. before the four horsemen of the apocalypse ride out.. before the nukerler missiles rain down on the unbelievers.. there will come The Rapture.
"What’s the Rapture? I hear you cry.
“When the Rapture comes, brothers and sisters, all the True Believers will be swept up in the air.. it don’t mind what you’re doin’, you could be in the bath, you could be at work, you could be drivin’ your car, or just sittin’ at home readin’ your Bible. Suddenly you’ll be up there in the air, in perfect and incorruptible bodies. And you’ll be up in the air, lookin’ down at the world as the years of destruction arrive. Only the faithful will be saved, only those of you who have been born again will avoid the pain and the death and the horror and the burnin’. Then will come the great war between Heaven and Hell, and Heaven will destroy the forces of Hell, and God shall wipe away the tears of the sufferin’, and there shall be no more death, or sorrow, or cryin’, or pain, and he shall rayon in glory for ever and ever..”
He stopped, suddenly.
“Well, nice try,” he said, in a completely different voice, "only it won’t be like that at all. Not really.
"I mean, you’re right about the fire and war, all that. But that Rapture stuff well, if you could see them all in Heaven.. serried ranks of them as far as the mind can follow and beyond, league after league of us, flaming swords, all that, well, what I’m trying to say is who has time to go round picking people out and popping them up in the air to sneer at the people dying of radiation sickness on the parched and burning earth below them? If that’s your idea of a morally acceptable time, I might add.