Here Without You
His brows draw together. ‘You wear the LA-girl part well. But it’s a role, isn’t it? You were like this when I went by your apartment a few weeks ago too. This is the real Brooke Cameron.’
It takes everything I’ve got not to fall out of my chair. ‘Wow. When did you get to be so psychoanalytical? Is your girl responsible for this new, uncharacteristic awareness?’
He smiles. ‘Probably.’
‘Interesting. I think I need to meet her.’
‘You will, no doubt.’
I angle my head, struck by the thing I’ve just figured out. He’s in love with her. ‘You’re really serious about her.’
He nods, but doesn’t look happy. Hmm.
‘You did tell her about all this –’ I swirl a finger between us. ‘River, the adoption, et cetera … Right?’
He nods again, lips compressed. ‘She’s had to deal with some rough shit lately. It’s messed up her ability to trust.’
‘I’m sure this didn’t help any – or you keeping it from her.’
His mouth flattens and he shakes his head once. ‘Uh, no.’
‘So why’d you do it, Reid?’
‘Why did I keep it from her?’
‘No. That’s yours to puzzle out. I want to know why you’re doing this. Why you want to adopt River.’
He flicks a blade of grass from his boot – slick, trendy and black – not cowboy boots, like mine, not work boots, like something Graham might wear. Perfect LA boy. But in Austin – straight-up hipster. Not that he’d care.
‘I think it’s a by-product of who I’ve become since I’ve known Dori. Since I was sentenced to work on that house. It’s like … I see issues I didn’t see before, and my connection to them. My obligation to do something, where I can.’ He looks me in the eye. ‘Where River is concerned, it’s a pretty hardcore responsibility.’
‘I’ve only ever felt that sort of responsibility where River is concerned,’ I admit. ‘I doubt I’ll ever have any weighty sense of social commitment, but I feel linked to River, even if I’ve never seen him.’
Shrugging, he says, ‘He’s part of you.’
I bring the laptop to the bed and sit, handing it to him. ‘He’s part of you too.’
He hooks up his phone and brings up the photos I asked for – of himself, his parents’ house and the room they’ve set aside for River.
‘Wasn’t this your bedroom?’ I recognize the placement of the windows and the dark sliding closet doors. It’s been five years, but I remember Reid’s bedroom better than which house or condo Mom and I were living in at the time.
‘I moved to my grandmother’s suite a couple of months after …’
‘After we broke up. You can say it. I won’t shatter, you know.’ We sit shoulder to shoulder on my bed, which seems as unbelievable as the subject we’re calmly discussing. ‘I know this might be difficult to hear, Reid, but I’m kind of over you.’
He smirks. ‘Yeah … when you went all Operation Graham last spring and deployed me to seduce Emma – I kinda figured that you were well over me.’
Graham again. I close my eyes and press my fingers to my chest. Damn.
‘Still upsets you, huh? I guess you really did love him. God, there’s no f**king way I’m ever taking Dori around that guy. Because seriously.’ His words are tongue-in-cheek, but the underlying tone is anything but.
‘Last spring, I was so sure I could deal with all-or-nothing,’ I say. ‘When I lost him, I knew that wasn’t true, but it was too late. In that moment, I’d have given anything to take it all back. Our friendship saved me – he saved me. No matter what I did or who I pretended to be, he was there for me. I don’t know who I’d be if it hadn’t been for him.’
Copying the photos over to my computer so we can print them out, Reid says, ‘I’m sorry I did that to you, Brooke.’
I shake my head. ‘It wasn’t you. I’ve realized some things in the past few days. Like how I felt when my father left – when he stopped paying any attention to me. I was forever looking for something, or someone, to fill that void.’ I send Reid’s photos to the printer in Glenn’s home office, shut my laptop and slide it off my lap. ‘There are empty places in all of us, and some of them will never be filled. You couldn’t fill the loss of my father, and I blamed that on you. Graham couldn’t fill it, and I thought it was because I needed more from him than friendship. But that was never true.’
He turns towards me. ‘Dori and I were friends first, I guess. But I don’t think I could ever be just friends with Dori, even though that part of what we are is essential. I’ve wanted her almost from the beginning, and being with her only makes me want her more. It would kill me to be around her and never touch her. Maybe you’d reached that point with Graham.’
I shake my head. ‘See, that’s the stupid part. I hadn’t. I convinced myself of that, but it was a lie. You and Dori – you’ve begun a relationship. Friendship only would be a step back that you don’t want to make. But Graham never felt that way about me. Never. We were best friends for four years, Reid.’ Tears spill down my face. ‘I threw away the closest relationship of my entire life – aside from Kathryn – on a gamble to get something he’d made it very clear he never wanted.’
Reid slides his arms around me and pulls me to his chest. I haven’t cried about Graham in months. Instead, I’ve made myself endure that deep burn in my chest – the one that reminds me what I did – without giving myself the release of tears.