Here Without You

I didn’t see this coming – not this soon. Not this way. But that doesn’t matter, because I always knew he would return to his Hollywood lifestyle and his peers. I can’t blame him and I don’t. Because in pursuing the adoption of his son, he’s choosing the difficult thing. He’s choosing the right thing. And I admire him for it.

He believes that I helped him become a better man, that I’m a good influence, and it’s true. Because that’s what I was meant to be, for him. I see that now. I was never meant to be the girl he wanted forever. It doesn’t matter if I fell so, so hard – if I’m crazy in love with him. When you love someone, you want what’s best for that person, not what’s best for you.

I didn’t change Reid Alexander. I just helped him uncover who he always was, at his core. Now, it’s time for me to let him go and be that man.

Reid: Missed Calls (3)

Messages (2)

Reid: Okay, you said you’d be in tonight. I’ve called, and I’ve left messages. I wanted to talk to you about today.

Reid: Are you angry with me? Did I do something I’m not aware of doing? I don’t understand.

Reid: missed calls (2)

Reid: If I wasn’t stuck in the middle of the damned desert, under contract, I would be banging on your dorm-room door and to hell with who heard or saw me. I’m worried.

Reid: I’m going to have to call your parents. (And I can’t BELIEVE I just wrote that.)

Reid: Dori, not again. Please, goddammit, not again.

25

REID

‘Hello?’

‘Mrs Cantrell – this is Reid. Alexander.’

‘Yes, Mr Alexander?’ Her tone is somehow accusatory – and what’s with the Mister Alexander crap?

Ten seconds in and I’m already pacing the length of this f**king trailer, wondering what sway her parents have with her, still. Wondering if I can fault them for her withdrawal. Knowing, after that meeting two months ago, how elated they would be to see this relationship collapse, which makes me furious.

One. Two. Three. Deep breath. Four. Five. Six.

‘I haven’t heard from Dori in several days. I just want to make sure she’s all right.’

She pauses before answering. ‘Dori is fine. I appreciate your concern – but she’s fine.’ Without you – that’s what I hear. She’s fine without you.

‘You’re aware, then, that she’s not returning my texts or calls. And clearly, you also know why.’ One hand at the back of my neck, I’m fighting every innate compulsion I have to keep from demanding that she tell me what the f**k she knows that I don’t. ‘Would you mind, very much, sharing that information with me? Because I don’t have a clue what’s going on.’

‘Don’t you?’

‘What does that mean?’

‘Do you read the celebrity gossip sites, Mr Alexander?’

I huff a breath. ‘Not if I can help it. I ignore them as much as possible, in fact, because they’re mostly lies and misconstrued half-truths, or unabashed invasions of privacy. Dori knows what’s true or what isn’t. At least, I thought she did. I thought she trusted me.’

‘And what is the truth? That you’ve been photographed numerous times with another young lady – one you used to … date?’

‘Dori knows why –’

‘Yes. She told me about the child you fathered, and what you and your ex-girlfriend are doing now – which, for the record, is admirable of you both. But it’s also not something my daughter needs to find herself caught up in or distracted by –’

‘Maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s not something Dori should have to deal with. Maybe it’s even more than she can handle.’ Christ. Speaking that sentence makes me feel as though I just stabbed myself in the chest. I can’t accept that it’s true. ‘But why isn’t she talking to me about it? Why does she think that dropping off the face of the earth is the way to resolve this?’

Her answer is quietly devastating. ‘I imagine she’s protecting herself from being further hurt by you.’

When I recover my breath, I blurt, ‘Further? What do you mean further hurt by me? I love her. I don’t intend to hurt her. I don’t want to hurt her. I almost relinquished rights to my son because I don’t want to lose her – because I was afraid of this reaction.’ I can’t tell her what may actually be behind Dori’s reaction – the needless guilt she feels over a choice she made years ago – a choice that, at the time, was right for her. ‘Even so, I never imagined her doing … this. She’s not a coward, and this is the most cowardly thing I’ve ever known her to do.’

‘So you believe that shielding herself from certain emotional damage is cowardly?’

‘Certain emotional damage? You make it sound as if this outcome was inevitable. Like there wasn’t any other possible result of a relationship between us, and we were doomed from the start. But that deduction isn’t something you based on the knowledge of my son or anything to do with Brooke Cameron – it comes from your prejudice against me. Against my lifestyle, or my career, or my previous reputation –’

‘Isn’t that how we all assess people and predict outcomes, Mr Alexander? By their previous reputations? Let’s say you’re correct. What about your lifestyle or reputation would benefit my daughter? What about your career would ever make her feel safe? Standing aside and watching while you’re physically involved on-screen and constantly rumoured to be off-screen – whether it’s true or not – with other women? Why would I want that for her?