Leave Me
And it’s not the death that scares me. All I can think about is the twins, and them being too young to not have a mother and what would happen to them if I died now.
And then I think of that night when they were newborns and they were sleeping in their carriers on the table. Do you remember that night? I felt so overwhelmed with love for them that I couldn’t stop weeping. You laughed and said it was hormones, but it wasn’t. It was terror. I felt like my skin had been turned inside out. How could you love someone this much? It made you too vulnerable. That’s when I figured out the ugly secret of a mother’s love: you protect them, to protect yourself.
But how can I do both? Protect them and me. Protect them from me.
So I have to go away. To take care of me. You take care of them.
I’m sorry. Don’t hate me. Let me do this. Leave me be. You said you’d give me a bubble. I need it to be bigger.
—Maribeth
6:09
Jinx: You still there?
Me: Yeah.
Jinx: You okay?
Me: Yeah. Are you?
Jinx: Yeah.
Me: Do you hate me?
Jinx: I’ve never hated you.
Jinx: Do you hate me?
Me: If I did, I don’t anymore.
6:17
Jinx: Maribeth?
Me: Yeah?
Jinx: The kids and I need to hit the road.
Me: Oh.
Jinx: Are you okay?
Me: Yeah.
Jinx: You’ll let me now know how tomorrow goes? I’ll make sure to check my e-mail.
Me: Yeah.
“Were you Gchatting?” Todd asked, peering over her shoulder. “With your husband?”
Maribeth closed the window.
“You little hussy,” Todd said.
THEY LEFT FOR the movies. Fritz, and the elusive Miles, would be joining them for the second feature.
“I finally get to meet Miles,” Maribeth said.
“He works a lot,” Todd said. “It’s not like I’m keeping him secret or anything.”
“Really? You sure about that?’ ”
“Mostly. But if you’re nice I might let you talk to him.”
“I’m always nice. Maybe I’ll even buy the popcorn.”
Todd grinned. “Then I might let you sit next to him.”
THEY SAW ONE of the Hobbit movies, which was diverting, if long. When it was over, they met up with Fritz, who, Todd was right, was clearly mooning for Sunita, and Miles, who, Maribeth was surprised to discover, was not so old. Maybe late twenties. And clearly besotted with Todd.
Even though she’d bought the popcorn, Maribeth let the couples sit together, sitting between Sunita and Todd. The second film was the third installment in one of those dystopian franchises. Maribeth had not seen parts one or two so Todd and Sunita whispered in her ear, catching her up as the film played.
“Gale was the one she loved first,” Sunita explained. “But now she loves Peeta, too. Classic love triangle.”
“I thought those only happened in books,” Todd whispered, “until I met you.”
“I’m not in a love triangle,” Maribeth whispered.
“That’s what Katniss said,” Todd replied.
62
THE ALLEGHENY CHILDREN’S HOME
ADOPTION REFERRAL FORM
REFERRAL:
Mother was referred to Allegheny Children’s Home on January 8, 1970, by the Beacon Maternity Home, where she has resided since December 27, 1969. Upon entering the Maternity Home, Mother was in her sixth month of pregnancy and it is both her and her family’s wishes that she remain there until the birth of the child.
MOTHER:
Mother is twenty years old and hails from the redacted area of Pittsburgh. She is petite (five foot four, 108 pounds prior to pregnancy) and attractive, with blue eyes, fair skin, brown hair, cut into a modern style. She has a pert nose, some freckling on her cheeks, excellent posture, and straight teeth that did not require braces. She has excellent oral hygiene, and no cavities.
Mother’s background is Swedish and English on the paternal side and Polish and German on the maternal side.
Mother is in excellent health. Aside from a childhood bout of rubella, she has had no major illnesses. Before her pregnancy, she was athletic, playing field hockey and ice-skating. Mother is allergic to penicillin and strawberries.
Mother’s personality appears to be good natured and intelligent with a keen interest in the arts and world affairs.
In high school, she was an honor roll student, a member of the debate society. Last year she entered redacted redacted College in hopes of transfer ring to a four-year university to get a degree. It was there that she met the Alleged Father and became pregnant.
Mother was initially shy and reserved at the Maternity Home but after a few weeks, staff say she revealed a sense of humor and a more garrulous nature. While she remained wary of staff and of social workers, she made fast friends with other residents, organizing many events, including a games night and even staging a short comedic play that she wrote and directed.
The pregnancy was a result of an affair between Mother and Alleged Father, a married professor at redacted redacted redacted. While Mother is quite forthcoming about the affair and it being extramarital in nature, she refused to name Alleged Father and offered scant details about the man. It is unclear whether Alleged Father, who Mother says has a family of his own, is aware of the pregnancy.
Mother was resolute in her decision to relinquish the child. As soon as she became aware of
the pregnancy–not until her fifth month, which is not entirely unbelievable given how light she carried–she told her family and immediately was brought to Beacon Maternity Home.
Mother is the only daughter in a family of five children, and since the death of her own mother, she has assumed a care-taking role for her three younger brothers. In describing her family, she seems burdened by this turn of events and bereft by the sudden loss of her mother several years ago.