Light in the Shadows (Find You in the Dark #2)(9)
Author: A. Meredith Walters

“I guess if I hadn’t bottomed out, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t finally be getting the help I need,” I said finally, feeling a bit proud of myself in being able to verbalize something good in that horrible mess.

Dr. Todd grinned, obviously pleased with my statement. “Exactly! The choices we make in our life don’t have to define us. It’s what we learn from them that’s important. You making the decisions that you did, while the fact that they were made in pain doesn’t change, the outcomes are what you make of them. And you have to remember that you are making significant strides in your mental health. You are miles ahead of being the young man who entered this facility almost ninety days ago,” he said with total sincerity. I could only nod my head.

“I have been hesitant to prescribe you any other medications, with your history with substance abuse. But given the severity of your panic attacks, I’m going to prescribe you a beta blocker, which is a mild tranquilizer that can be used to treat the physical symptoms of your anxiety. It isn’t habit forming but I would still only like them used as a last resort. I truly believe we can work on your triggers through therapeutic self-talk and relaxation techniques.” Great more drugs. Just when I wasn’t feeling crazy enough.

“The staff will know you’ve been authorized to use them when necessary. But again, Clay, I urge you to only use them if all else fails,” Dr. Todd said firmly and I nodded again, feeling like there was nothing else to say really.

I was relieved when Dr. Todd said our time was up. Today’s session had left me feeling wrung out. He handed me my journal. “Keep using it, Clay,” he said as he opened his office door.

“Sure,” I responded, tucking the notebook under my arm. I headed out into the hallway and stopped. I didn’t want to go back to my room. It was after two and I knew Tyler hadn’t left for his group yet. I didn’t feel like company and I knew I wouldn’t be any.

My feet started moving and I found myself heading out a side door into a tiny garden off of the common room. It was entirely fenced in with three benches in a semi-circle around a stone bird bath. Sure the space was small, but it was a nice spot.

It was the middle of March and in the mid-80’s. Perfect Florida weather. I sat on one of the benches, putting the notebook down beside me. Leaning back, I stretched my legs out in front of me, crossing them at the ankle. Linking my hands behind my neck, I tilted my face up and closed my eyes. The heat felt good. And the kinks that had knotted up during my session with Dr. Todd started to unravel a bit.

I could hear the television blaring inside the common room, but other than that it was pretty damn peaceful out here. The last hour had been brutal. I had been doing really well over all for the last four weeks. Sure, therapy and support groups got old after a while. Who wouldn’t get sick of relieving the shit in your life day after day? There were times I wished I could pack it all in and just say screw this. But for the most part, I was glad I was here.

I was quickly approaching the end of my ninety day stay. What the future held after that, I couldn’t tell. I knew that Dr. Todd and the rest of the staff would like me to stay on for a full six months. I just wasn’t sure how I felt about that. Then after that, I’d most likely be recommended for a group home to begin my outpatient treatment. Given the reason I was here in the first place, I should be thankful I wasn’t in a straight jacket at a psych ward. I guess my parents’ money was good for something. Because of their fear of public humiliation, I had been carted off to the secluded Grayson Center. And it had been the best thing they could have ever done for me. Even if their motives were purely selfish.

I hadn’t seen or spoken to my parents since being admitted. They were supposed to be involved in my treatment. Which meant family therapy, regular visits, and the whole nine yards. I didn’t know how aware they were of my progress. I was pretty sure Dr. Todd had kept them in the loop but I had yet to hear a peep out of them.

I didn’t know if I should feel relief or disappointment. Because that little boy needing his parents’ love still lived deep down inside of me. As much as I wanted to squash him, he was still there, waving his arms, wanting their attention. But then the almost adult man was much more of a realist and knew that those two particular individuals brought nothing but a whirlwind of shit with them and it was probably best that they stayed the hell away.

I wondered if they would bother to show up for my birthday next week. I didn’t even want to think about whether I would be gutted if they didn’t.

I scrubbed my face with my hands and let out a noisy breath. Then without thinking, I picked up the notebook and let it fall open to what I had written. I propped it on my knee and stared at the barely legible words in front of me.

I remember your hair. The way it smelled when you woke up beside me in the morning. It’s the best smell in the entire world. I lay in the motel bed and buried my nose in your neck. It was the most perfect moment of my entire life.

I hated that such an amazing memory turned me into a panic ridden freak. I wish I could just think of Maggie without crumbling. But the reaction was intense and instantaneous. I recognized the flutter of my heart and my breaths becoming shallow. Here we go again.

God damn it! NO! I mentally screamed. I forced myself to think of Maggie’s eyes. The way they crinkled when she laughed. My heart was pounding so heavily in my chest; I could practically feel it rattling my ribs. KEEP GOING! I thought harshly. Stop being such a pu**y!

Kissing her that first time, even after acting like a total ass**le. The way she had melted into me. Cherries. That’s what she tasted like. Just like her lip gloss. Was it weird that I bought a stick of it after that kiss and would carry it in my pocket, just so I could taste it? Yeah, that was most definitely weird; I wouldn’t be admitting that out loud anytime soon.

I felt the dizzy lightheadedness of my panic attack as I forced myself to relieve the memories. I was terrified that I would make myself forget them just because they hurt. And as painful as it was to remember what I had lost, it was much more frightening to think of my life without those memories at all. I needed them. They were my reminder that there was something for me on the outside. Something worth fighting for.

I took deep breaths as I concentrated on the memory of my girl. The thousands of tiny moments that flashed through my head like a movie. And after a while, my heart started to slow and my hands unclenched.

“Working on your tan?” a teasing voice called out. I snapped out of my head and focused on Maria as she stepped through the doorway and into the garden. I gave her a weak smile and lifted my shoulders.