Live For Me (Blurred Lines #2)(51)
Author: Erin McCarthy

“Are you sure it isn’t yours?” That was my real fear. That if it wasn’t Devin’s she wouldn’t have taken the test there. She would have done it in her own apartment.

“Yes. I’m sure,” he said coldly. But then a flicker of doubt crossed his face.

“When was the last time you had sex with her?”

“Right before I came to Richfield. We had a mediation appointment. It got intense, emotional.”

He didn’t look away or express any shame or remorse. He just stared me down, defiant.

That had only been a couple of months. When I had met him, he was fresh off a nostalgia f**k with Kadence. “Then you don’t know if it’s yours or not.” I tossed the pregnancy test back in the trash and washed my hands. I splashed water on my face.

“I guess not. But most likely not. That was months ago. She would have told me already. She’d be showing.”

“That was only ten weeks ago.” I dried my face with the hand towel. I suddenly felt calm, removed. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t be this person. Swept up in drama and lies, his world of drugs and money and manipulation.

I came to Richfield with nothing but my dignity, my intelligence, and my moral code. I couldn’t stay there with less. I couldn’t trade any of that for love. It felt wonderful to have Devin hold me, to look in his eyes and know that he did love me. That I was special.

But I couldn’t live with myself if I accepted the arrangement the way it was. I would ultimately be ashamed of myself, and I would feel insecure. I would be dependent on him, clingy. He would run the show and I would be the stage crew. Yes, I loved him. I loved him more than anyone else I’d ever met, with a love so deep it hurt at the same time it healed, yet as it was, I couldn’t be his equal.

It felt like a game I didn’t know how to play, with angry express packages, lawyers, over-the-top gifts. “I need to go home,” I told him.

His eyebrows shot up. “Back to Richfield? Not today. We can go back tomorrow. Don’t you want to see the city?”

“No, I mean to Vinalhaven. I’m not going back to Richfield and I’m not staying here with you.”

“What do you mean, exactly?” His voice lowered, his eyes narrowed. I could see the anger brewing.

“Devin.” I reached up and touched his chin, running my thumb over his unshaven skin. “I love you. But I can’t do this. It’s not me. I can’t live with you while you have a wife and maybe a baby and friends who overdose in our family room.”

He grabbed my hand and held it to him tightly. “I love you, too. Doesn’t that count for anything?”

“It does. It really does.” Tears filled my eyes. “But I feel like I’m losing myself. Or maybe I never knew myself. I’m nineteen instead of eighteen and I’ve never seen or done anything. I want to live on my terms for the first time in my life, not compromise.”

“You can do anything you want with me,” he insisted. “Don’t do this. I won’t have house parties. I’ll talk to Kadence, we’ll make sure she doesn’t come in the apartment.”

“And if this is your baby?”

“Then I’ll take care of it. I’m not a total ass**le. I try to do the right thing, which is why I’ve never played dirty with Kadence. I could have, you know.”

“I’m sure you could have. I think you’re a good man, I really do, and that is why I love you.” Tears ran down my cheeks. “If you’d like, call me when the divorce is final.”

He kissed my hand. “You’re not leaving me. I’m not going to let you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

It was the hardest thing I’d ever done, but I stepped away and moved around him. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stay and lose myself. I might enjoy it now, but I would wake up in two years, five years, and hate myself.

Devin grabbed at my arm but I walked faster, tears coming harder. I checked my pocket for my phone and as I moved across the apartment, I grabbed my backpack off the floor and slung it over my arm, swiping my coat off the kitchen counter.

“Tiffany, what are you doing? You’re not going to just leave.” Devin sounded unconvinced that I was really doing just that.

“I have to,” I pleaded. “I can’t hide at Richfield and pretend that nothing else exists. That’s what we’ve been doing.”

“Nothing else needs to exist.”

“Call me when you get a divorce,” I insisted.

“What do you want me to do? I can’t make it go any faster. I don’t have any feelings for her. Haven’t I made it clear how much I love you?”

I wasn’t looking for some sort of dramatic love vow from him. That wasn’t the point. The point was when you blurred a line it ceased to exist in any way that mattered. So then the next go round you didn’t even bother to draw it.

“You have. But you love me partially because I’m honest and that is what I’m doing here. I’m telling you the truth. Now is not the right time for us.” I pulled open the door before I changed my mind.

I desperately wanted to say the hell with it and just turn and bury myself in his arms. But then who would I be? Devin Gold’s girlfriend. Devin Gold’s little girlfriend. Devin Gold’s poor little girlfriend. I would be the person everyone looked at and felt sorry for, and eventually, some day, Devin would lose interest in me like I’d told Cat at Christmas. He could love me, but he could still lose interest in me if everything was always on his terms. I could only be with him if I were his partner, his equal, his wife.

So I ran. Because if I stopped to look at his face, to see the pain I was inflicting on him, feel the matching pain in my own heart, I would stay. And someday I would live to regret that choice.

He called after me. “Tiffany, wait! Be reasonable. Where the f**k are you even going?”

I had hit the elevator button and it dinged open immediately. I was on it, pushing L for lobby while he came down the hallway after me. As soon as he realized the elevator was already there he swore and started running. The door was closing already and I was afraid he was going to stick his arm in it, but instead he just stood there, eyes locked on me, and let it close.

“Tiffany,” he said. That’s it. Just my name. Tears in his eyes.

And as the door closed entirely, blocking my view of him, I gave a choked sob.

Out on the sidewalk I asked the bellman for a cab and I got in, breathless, giving the driver the address on my phone. After a nauseating twenty minute ride we arrived in mid-town, at the office building of Randy Hart. My father. I didn’t know what I thought I was going to do, but I gave the cab driver the majority of the cash I had in my purse. I hadn’t been anticipating traveling. All I had was twenty dollars.