Measuring Up(29)
Author: Nyrae Dawn

“What the hell is going on out here?” The man is huge. Probably two Tegan’s and a Billy put together. I’ve seen him before, but not often. “Tegan! Are you fighting outside my gym?” Easily, he steps between them. “Are you on the clock?”

“No.” Tegan spits and blood comes out of his mouth. Tears overflow my eyes.

“He works here? He’s crazy. He attacked me. I’m going to sue the hell out of him and anyone else I can. You better believe I’m pressing charges.” Despite being bloody, Billy looks so proud of himself, I have to fight down the bile that’s built in my stomach.

“That’s not true!” I yell, running over to them. “Tegan tried to walk away, but Billy attacked him!”

“That’s not the way I remember it.”

“Yeah, me either.” Patrick agrees with Billy.

“Get the hell off my property,” Jim seethes. “You too, Tegan. You have some nerve bringing this shit to my place.”

“I work in an hour.”

“No, you don’t.”

Tegan’s eyes pop up, meeting Jim’s head on. I see his chest rise and fall he’s breathing so heavily. “Fine.”

In the background, I see Patrick, pulling a laughing Billy away.

“We’ll talk later.” Without a glance at me, Tegan turns and stalks off. I start to run after him.

“Tegan! Wait.”

He turns and looks at me and shakes his head. “I can’t right now. I’m sorry. I just…I just need to be alone.”

And then he’s gone, a trail of blood splattering on the sidewalk behind him, like breadcrumbs. Alone. I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life.

Chapter Twenty-Two

ALONE

I’ve always known news travels fast in Hillcrest, but I didn’t realize how fast until Mom comes home livid, the same night of Tegan and Billy’s fight. I haven’t let go of my cell phone all day, hoping, praying for a text or call from Tegan. I hope he isn’t hurt badly. I can’t stop wondering what I did wrong and if I somehow made him stop loving me.

“Annabel! We need to talk. Now!”

I push my empty bowl of ice cream aside, yep, ice cream. It’s always been my comfort, until Tegan was. Today, I need a little comfort. “Why? We’ve never talked before so what’s the point now?”

She gasps and I’m a little proud of myself. “I’m going to ignore that. Can you imagine my embarrassment when three of my friends called me today to let me know your hoodlum boyfriend attacked Betty’s son?”

There’s no point in trying to set her straight so I don’t. “No, but I’m sure you’ll tell me.” I pick up my bowl and head back to the kitchen. Of course, Mom follows.

“I’m not sure when you decided it’s okay to talk to me like this, but I can assure you, it’s not. And I won’t have you dating someone who’s violent, Annabel. If he attacked a nice boy like Billy, he could turn that violence on you.”

I sputter, dropping the bowl to the floor, ignoring the shatter of glass. “Tegan would never hurt me. He’s not violent. Did you ever think for one minute to ask my side of the story? That maybe he was protecting me? That maybe Billy hasn’t always been so nice to me? Ninety percent of teenage boys have probably been in a fight, Mom. It doesn’t make them violent, women-abusing jerks.”

“Your relationship with him is over and what on Earth would Billy do to you?”

I notice how she brings it up second. Her most important issue being Tegan, not the possibility Billy has ever done anything wrong to me. “Well, thank you for your opinion, but no. I love him and I’m not breaking up with him.”

Mom’s face pales. “Oh, Annabel. You don’t love that boy.”

Heat engulfs me. “Oh, really? I wasn’t aware you know or care anything about how I feel.”

It shocks me when she steps forward. “I’m only saying this because I don’t want you to get hurt and he will hurt you, Annabel. You might think you love him, but it’s just because he’s the first boy to ever show you attention. You’re breaking up with him. Hate me all you want, but I’m doing it to protect you.”

Ugh. I’m so tired of crying. Tired of tears and pain. Open your mouth, I tell myself. Tell her you’re tired of her assuming no one will want because you’re not perfect. That you’re tired of not being good enough for her. But I can’t. I still can’t and it makes me hate myself even more. “I’m used to being hurt by now, Mom. I’ll take my chances.” With that, I run up the stairs and into my room. Alone again.

***

The next morning, I pull up at our spot for my jog with Tegan. He’s already there waiting for me, his arms crossed as he leans against his car. One look at him, the way his eyes are looking at the ground and not me, the way his shoulders are slumped over and I know. There’s a huge part of me that wants to put the car in reverse and pull away. If I don’t give him the chance to say it, it won’t be true, right?

But I can’t. I try and gather up any courage I can, the stuff that made me shove Pammie, the strength that helped me fall in love with him and use it to push myself out of the car. “Hi.” We usually say hey, why did I say hi?

“Hi. Sorry about yesterday.” There are too many apologies between us lately. It’s not what we’re about.

“It’s okay.” But it’s not.

“No, it’s not.”

“You’re right. I need to work on that, I guess.” It’s something else for me to add to the list. “My mom already found out. She freaked out. She wants me to break up with you.” Did I really just say that?

Tegan’s eyes close and he lets out a heavy breath. His hands are shoved deep into his pockets. Jean shorts. He’s wearing jean shorts and not basketball shorts. He always runs in basketball shorts.

I fight to keep my feet firmly planted to the ground. “Just say it, Tegan.”

He looks at me, something in his eyes I can’t decipher. Looks like pain, but if it is, why is he doing this? “Maybe she’s right…”

I knew it was coming, maybe even before the past couple days. This is what I expected, right? I never thought it would last. But still, pain pierces through my chest with such strength I want to fall over. It spreads over me, slowly taking over my body until it’s all I feel. All I know.

“I mean, it’s not you. Not us. I still love you, but…”

“But what?” Please don’t say it. Change your mind. Tell me I’m good enough. Tell me you want me forever. That I was wrong and we can last. That we will.

“I lost my job. I know that’s not your fault. It’s mine, but it’s just one more thing. I need that job for the money. To help Mom and for school. And Timmy. I missed his appointment. I never would have done that before, but I did. And they got in a wreck and I wasn’t there.”

“What? Oh my God. Are they okay?” Not Tim, not Dana.

“They’re fine. It was minor, but still. I wasn’t there.” He’s pacing and rambling. I’ve never seen him so shook up before. I want to go to him, hug him and make it better, but my feet won’t move.

“Mom was exhausted and I was laughing with you. She almost fell asleep and went off the road. They could have died or been hurt and I was making love to you. I should have been there. If I had been there, I would have been driving.” He drops to the curb, hands buried in his hair, his knee bouncing up and down. “What would I have done if they got hurt? It’s my job to take care of them, Annabel.”

I’m pulled in so many different directions. I want to run and pretend this didn’t happen. Hug him and tell him we can work it out. Yell at him to open his eyes and realize he’s not a superhero, but I can’t. I can’t make myself do any of it.

“I’m so sorry… I…”

His head jerks up at me. “It’s not your fault, it’s mine. That’s how it started with him too. Missing appointments. Not coming home. I can’t… I just can’t.”

I kneel next to him, needing to be closer. “We can slow down. I know you need time.” Something… anything not to lose him.

Tegan pulls away. And it hurts. I’m usually the one pulling away. He’s always getting closer, always reeling me in, but now he’s the one drifting and I don’t think I can pull him ashore. “You deserve so much better than that, Annabel Lee. I just… I have to. It’s… it’s the right thing to do.” He cups my cheek and I know I’ve lost him. Leaning forward he presses his lips to my forehead too quickly and then he’s to his feet. Walking away.

And then I’m alone. Broken and not good enough still.

Chapter Twenty-Three

155.8

Why is it, it takes weeks, months to lose weight, but then multiple pounds find their way back on in the matter of days? Forget the part that I’ve been eating too much. That all the good eating habits I’ve learned in the past two months, I left in the park with Tegan. Forget that I haven’t gone running. Haven’t gone to the gym, and don’t want to. Still, it’s depressing that the pounds find me so quickly. It’s really not fair. A broken heart, and gaining weight. What else am I going to have to deal with?

Not Mom because she hasn’t tried to talk to me.

Not Tegan because he hasn’t contacted me either. Well, unless you count the “Happy Birthday, Annabel Lee” text I’ve stared at over and over.

Not Dad. He gave up trying to talk to me two days ago, though I’m sure with today being my birthday, I’ll have to face him sometime. I don’t care how pathetic I am. That I’m in bed on my birthday because my life is such a mess. It is what it is. But still, I miss him. Miss him more than I thought I could miss someone.

A cry seizes me. I haven’t cried since the first day. I don’t know why it’s coming out again, but I let it flow without trying to fight it. It’s the only thing I seem to have control over. Rolling over, my back is to the door as I hug a pillow. Does he miss me too? Did he really love me? How is Timmy, Dana? Does she know?

My cries only pause when I feel the arm that wraps around me, the girl that curls up behind me. It only takes that quick pause for me to know who it is and I start to cry harder. There are no words while I let it out. We don’t need words. But once my tears finally dry, she speaks anyway.

“I was jealous, Bell,” Em whispers. “Jealous you had someone else when I didn’t. Scared you would realize you didn’t need me anymore. I’m a terrible friend and I’m so sorry.”

“No,” I roll over and face her. “You’re not a terrible friend. People make mistakes. It all started because I wasn’t honest with you.” It feels so good to see her. To have her here. To not feel alone. “I missed you, Em.”

“Me, too. I missed you so much. I don’t want to fight about whose fault it was. I just want to forget it. I want to be best friends again.”