Measuring Up(5)
Author: Nyrae Dawn

We’re out here a few hours when we decide to brave my house. If we get home before Mom, I can usually get Em out without risking a Mom vs. Emily smack down. We’re packing up her stuff when I hear a familiar laugh in the distance.

“It’s hot as hell and you’re still wearing all black and a sweatshirt? Don’t tell me you’re going to be one of those kids who show up to school with a machine gun, Monroe.” Billy’s walking with a few other guys from our school. The other three don’t say much, but they never stop him either.

“You’re such a jerk,” Em sneers.

Billy laughs, hitting Patrick in the arm which makes Patrick laugh, too. I guess he needs permission. “Emo chicks are funny.” Billy stumbles a bit. Ah, that’s what this is about. They’re drunk. I’ve heard of them coming down this way and drinking under the bridge sometimes, but I figured it happened after dark.

“And you’re a dumbass.”

Billy ignores her. “What about you, cupcake? Is that your plan too? Or wait, I bet you’d take a bullet for me, wouldn’t you? Love makes people do crazy things.”

I actually feel my face turn red. It’s a mixture of embarrassment and anger. I’m not sure which emotion is the strongest. Whichever it is, it’s making me mute. Nothing I say will matter: I don’t love you. I don’t even like you. Well, of course I don’t, but all of that’s just going to make me look even more pathetic. The fat girl in denial.

“Screw off, jerk. The only person who loves you is you. Stop trying to win Annabel over. It’s getting pathetic.”

I want to hug and smack Em at the same time. It’s amazing that she sticks up for me, but on the other hand, stop trying to win Annabel over? She just set me up to take more crap from these guys.

Billy falls to the ground laughing. This time, Patrick doesn’t need a nudge to join in. Soon, all of them are laughing at my expense. Em grabs my arm and pulls me away.

“Don’t go away mad! Just go away!” Billy yells during laughs. “Poor Cupcake and Birthmark. You’ll never amount to anything, but don’t let it get to you. At least you have each other!” His voice almost echoes as we walk farther away. I still hear it, over and over.

“They suck,” she says when we’re almost to our cars.

“Yeah.” And so do I. I’m mad at myself for letting them get to me and mad at myself for not standing up to them.

“All boys suck. Don’t ever trust them. Girls like us? They’re always going to end up hurting us.”

Her words shock me a little. Em’s always a little of a downer, but I’ve never heard her talk about guys like that, like someone else has hurt her I don’t know about. Right now, I don’t have time to think about it. All I can think of is I know she’s right. And it more than sucks.

Chapter Four

DIDN’T WEIGH TODAY. GUESS I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO DO IT DAILY. NO PROMISES.

The thought of meeting Tegan today is nauseating. It’s stupid and I hate myself for it, but I can’t stop running over the things Billy said in my head. Being that girl, the one who lets jerks like him make her feel like this, bites. I know I shouldn’t care. Hell, I don’t care, not about him, but I care about me and I don’t want to set myself up to get hurt again. Not from Tegan specifically, but the whole gym thing. I feel like I’m setting myself up to fail.

I drop my head against the steering wheel, even angrier now that I feel like I am those things just because he said it. Knowing you shouldn’t think a certain way and making it true are two different things. People who’ve never experienced it don’t get it. “Don’t listen to them,” “There’s nothing wrong with you,” “Just forget about it” are just words. Sure, they may make the speaker feel better, but it’s hard for the person hearing them to actually let it seep into their brains and hearts.

Ugh. Now I’m feeling sorry for myself and that frustrates me to no end. So instead of crying in my leather seats, I get out of the car and head inside. Like yesterday, Tegan is waiting for me, but missing is the causal smile I’ve seen in him. This is a painted on, total Ken doll smile. There’s a slight dusting of stubble on his jaw. And his eyes, they’re not as lively as the other two times I’ve seen him. Like he’s riding the high he gets when he’s giving me a hard time. Right now they look like they did when he was helping his brother out of the car. No, they look almost pained. Angry.

Strangely, I miss the other smile. Which makes no sense except that right now, I could really use some positive energy.

“Tegan, you up for an extra shift this week? Jim told me to ask you.” It’s a different girl behind the desk today. He turns to her.

“Do you have to ask?”

She laughs. “I’ll let him know.”

“Mornin’. You ready?” When he turns to me, Tegan tries to sound light. Too bad it doesn’t ring true. What does he have to hide? Me, it makes sense that I have demons, but with him it doesn’t.

“Not particularly. How are you?” My question-filter never rests around him. It would benefit me to remember I don’t care. Not about him, Billy, or anyone else.

I’m not sure why I expect him to. He doesn’t answer. Instead, Tegan signals with his head (he’s always doing that) for me to follow him and I do (I’m always doing that). “Are you sore?”

Actually, I am sore, but the emotional pain from yesterday overpowers the physical. “Yeah.”

“That’s a good thing, ya know? We don’t want to overdo it, but those are like your war wounds. It means you’re working your muscles, training them.” I study him for a minute, surprised at the little things I’m starting to catch. It’s obvious he’s upset, that for one reason or another he’s having a bad day. But he doesn’t talk about it. Ever. Well maybe not ever, but at least not that I’ve seen. Instead just focuses on my problem, which yeah, it’s his job. Somehow I know it’s more than that.

“You worked hard and you should be proud.” His words pull me from my thoughts and switches them to another.

Poor Annabel. That’s a cow name, you know. Your parents must have known you’d be fat. I’ve heard people who are fat as teenagers will be cows forever. Stop it! Why the hell am I letting Billy Mason get to me? “Not that it will help,” I mumble and even as I do, I want to snatch the words back. Not because I don’t want Tegan to hear them, but because it makes me mad at myself. Why do I let my resolve slip so easily? I believed in myself when I came up with this plan and I already doubt it, just because of dumbass Billy?

“Hey.” Tegan stops me with his hand and I immediately notice how warm he is. “No doubting. The biggest thing you can do for yourself is have faith. I…you have to believe that, okay? The human body can do some amazing things.”

He almost said “I” have to believe. His words fill a part of me I wouldn’t have thought him capable of filling and not for the reason I would think. But the way his voice almost cracks, the depth of…well, belief in them, makes me want to believe too. Somehow, I can tell he needs it as much as I do.

“Um, okay. Yeah, I believe. Sorry. Bad day. I had to deal with this jer—never mind. Just feeling sorry for myself.”

“Yeah, shitty day for me, too.” Tegan stands there like he’s thinking. A little smirk teases his lips and I wonder if he realizes it before I start to wonder why I noticed it. I should not be noticing things like this about Gym Boy. “Okay, I have a plan, but you have to A) not mind if we deviate from your regularly scheduled workout for a bit and B) you have to work really hard to earn it.”

“What is it?” Like I’m going to agree to something without knowing what it is. Yeah right.

“I’m not telling. Let’s just say we’re working on that trust thing you mentioned you need to have for your trainer. I will say, it’ll help and I think you’ll enjoy it. I’ll enjoy it too. That’s all you’re getting out of me, though.” He crosses his arms, but this time, the tension’s gone.

Is it possible for a day at the gym to screw with your head? I’m really starting to think so because before I can talk myself out of it, I find myself saying, “Fine, whatever. But this better be good.”

“Deal. Let’s get going then. We have a lot to cover today. I have some time between you and my next appointment, if you don’t mind us running late.”

That automatically makes a sheen of sweat slap itself across my forehead. Great. We haven’t even worked out yet and I’m already sweating. How attractive is that? Plus, adding the words running and late together don’t sound good to me at all, but I nod anyway.

Luckily it doesn’t start out as bad as I thought when I find out the first item on our list is to work out a meal plan. He doesn’t tell me what to eat. We just talk about what I usually do eat, he gives me a book on suggestions, a diary to write my meals in, and the amount of calories I need to stay under.

“Oh, and water. Be sure you drink a lot of water.”

I nod, a little sad I’ll have to say goodbye to Ben and Jerry. “What about you? You drink smoothies.”

“Not you too.” He groans. “Can’t a guy have a sweet tooth? At least its fruit I’m reaching for and not something else.”

I know he didn’t mean it, but his words sting. I would be the one reaching for something else. He can have a smoothie a day because he’s not trying to lose weight. He moves on, not seeming to realize how his statement affected me.

We begin our aerobic on the treadmills and to my surprise, Tegan jogs with me again. We up the speed a little and I try to ignore the easy rise and fall of his chest while I’m panting for breath. From there we head into weights and resistance training and I’m wondering when this whole idea of his is starting. So far we’re basically doing the same thing as yesterday. My legs burn like they’re on fire while we do some machine that is supposed to give me quads of steel. They feel more like jelly at the moment.

“Come on, Annabel. Three more. You can do this.”

I push my legs up again. Yeah, I can do this. I find that, all of a sudden, I really want to. Again, I lift, pushing past the burn, focusing on the way I haven’t thought about yesterday between the time we started the run until just a second ago.

“You got this. One more and then you get your surprise.”

His wording makes me falter slightly, but I catch myself. Ignoring the way “surprise” sounds more like a friendly gesture than trainer/trainee one, I lift against the resistance one last time. “Oh my God.” I go limp against the machine. “Is it always supposed to be tougher the second day?” I’m panting. My eyes are closed and I probably look like I had a near drowning experience in my own sweat, but right now I can’t find it in myself to care.

“It’s just because your body is adjusting and you’re sore from yesterday, but you know what? You hardly flinched the whole day. You were in the zone. Not half of the resistance you had just twenty-four hours ago.”