Melancholy

“It’s the truth!” I cry. “I don’t know what snapped.”

“If you would open your fuckin’ eyes instead of lookin’ at me like I’m the worst fuckin’ thing you could have in your life, you would see what’s right in front of you. Now get the fuck out!”

He roars this so loudly, I flinch.

I turn and rush out of the bathroom, my chest aching like it’s never ached before. I stumble into my room, and God, it hurts. It hurts so badly. I thought Alec was what I wanted—I thought he could give me the life I so desperately sought, only to find out he was fake. The only real thing in my world is Maddox, and yet I’ve fought so hard against him.

I always thought I knew, deep down inside, that this life wasn’t for me.

Maybe I was wrong.

I don’t know anything anymore.

~*~*~*~

I’m curled up on the floor of the shower, sobbing so loudly my entire body aches. My sex burns, and there was a lot of blood in my panties when I stripped to get in. I’ve been sitting down here for twenty minutes now, letting emotion and rage burn inside my belly.

I’m angry at myself.

I’m angry at Alec.

I’m angry at Maddox.

Everything is just a jumbled mess of emotions, and my heart hurts every time I think about what Maddox said to me. I slowly shove to my feet. I’ve already heard his bike disappear, and the very sound made my heart shatter into a thousand pieces.

I step out of the shower, pulling a towel around myself. I dry quickly, and lift a brush, dragging it through my hair, and then I slip into a nightie. I walk over to my bed, throwing the covers back and sliding in. More tears make an appearance as I stuff my face into the pillow, feeling like a fool. I hurt Maddox, he hurt me, and together we’ve made a royal mess of things.

The door creaks but I don’t bother to turn. The bed sinks beside me and the covers are flicked back. I already know it’s Mack; I know because he used to do this when I had nightmares. If Maddox wasn’t around, Mack was my rock. A strong body wraps around mine, and he pulls me into his arms.

“I was a cunt,” he murmurs. “Sorry, chante.”

I shake my head. “You weren’t. It was my fault you were put in this situation.”

“He’s hurtin’.”

“I know,” I croak.

“And so are you.”

I don’t answer.

“You okay?”

I swallow, and my eyes burn from all the crying I’ve done in the last few hours.

“He hurt me, Mack,” I whimper.

“Maddox?”

“No. Alec.”

He strokes a hand over my hair. Not many people see Mack like this. He’s usually hard and broody.

“I was a virgin,” I whisper. “And he was so rough.”

“Fuck,” Mack grunts. “That fuckin’ piece of shit.”

“Will you stay with me?”

“Yeah,” he murmurs, pulling me closer.

We lay like that until sleep takes both of us, and in that moment I’m so grateful to Mack for being my friend.

God knows I need him.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

2008 – Santana

Kennedy strokes his hands over my hair as the warm rush floods my body. He makes a soothing sound, filling my veins with his disease. That’s what these drugs are like, a disease that sinks into your soul. He is preparing me. He told me I have to do something very special for him tonight.

I couldn’t go without the drugs. I needed them.

Kennedy gave them to me, but not enough. By the time he lets me go and I’m on my feet, I already know I need more. He refuses, telling me I need to focus. “There is going to be a man that will meet you. All you have to do is give him this package, and then leave. Can you do that?”

I moan, but nod.

Kennedy hands me the package, and goes over and over what I have to do as he drives me to the location where I’m supposed to give it over. He drops me off five blocks away. “Go and wait. I’ll be at home with Pippa, keeping her safe. You trust me, don’t you, Tanie?”

“Will you take care of her? Promise me she’ll be safe,” I slur.

He nods. “I promise.”

I nod, shoving myself out of the car.

“Tanie?”

I turn to him, staring through blurred vision. “You know I love you?”

I nod again.

He smiles and drives off. It’s the last time I see Kennedy.

~*~*~*~

I shouldn’t have opened the package, but I’m desperate. I need a hit, and I already know what’s in here. One pill, one pill is all I’ll take.

I take one, then another, then another. It’s not working. Why isn’t it working? My mind is already spinning, so I don’t notice it progress to the next stage. Suddenly, I’ve gone from feeling it mildly to wishing I’d never taken them in the first place.

I drop to my knees, clutching the package to my chest, my head spinning. Vomit rises in my throat, and I struggle to keep it down. My entire body feels as if it’s going to explode. God, what is this stuff? I gasp, trying to breathe as vomit blocks my throat. I fall flat on my back, still clutching the package. Oh God. Oh God. I’m going to die right here, and Pippa will be left alone.

Pippi . . .

I jump in and out of consciousness, vaguely hearing the sounds of cars on the street, the sounds of bars and the music blaring from them, and then the sound of a chuckling male voice. I try to roll further into the alley, but I can’t move my body. Everything is heavy. Everything hurts.