Melancholy

I turn, my eyes wild, my body shaking with rage. Maddox is standing at the door, staring at me, his hands in fists by his side.

“It. Wasn’t. Your. Right,” I spit at him.

“No, but I was doin’ the best I could at the time.”

“You told me she was dead,” I scream, finally losing my cool.

“Because you would have fuckin’ killed yourself if I didn’t. Then where would that have left her?”

I charge towards him, my fists flying towards his chest. He catches them in his big hands, holding me as I thrash.

“She’s been alive all this time, all this fucking time. She’s been suffering while I’ve been living a wonderful life. You might have had your reasons for keeping it from me at first, but for five fucking years?”

“I wanted to get information. I wanted you to be able to find her easily, not run around the fuckin’ world lookin’. You would have done that; you would have carried on and rushed out with no information, puttin’ yourself in a deadly situation.”

“Of course I would,” I scream, angry tears sliding down my cheeks. “She’s my sister.”

“Yeah,” he barks. “And who would have helped her if you got yourself killed? Huh?”

“You kept something from me that you had no right to keep.”

“That’s not what I fuckin’ asked,” he bellows, jerking me closer. “I ask who the fuck would have helped her if you had jumped out into that fuckin’ dangerous world and gotten yourself killed? Because you fuckin’ would have, Santana. It’s more dangerous than you could ever fuckin’ understand.”

“It still wasn’t your right,” I yell, kicking out and hitting his shins. He bares his teeth at me in a deadly hiss, but doesn’t let me go. “I mourned her. I cried for her. You let me believe I’d fucking failed!”

“No,” he barks. “I let you believe she was in a better fuckin’ place so you could pick yourself up and put your own life together.”

“But she wasn’t in a better place, was she? She was suffering.”

“I’ve spent five fuckin’ long years searchin’ for her, Santana. I never stopped, not for a fuckin’ second. Do you think you would have had the contacts I’ve got, if you had have gone out on your own?”

“Even if that’s true,” I whisper, my body slumping, “you still lied to me. You still kept something from me. You could have held me back, you know you could have, but instead you chose to lie. You let me fall for you, and all along it’s been a big, fucking lie.”

“No,” he rasps.

“Let me go, Maddox. We’re done here.”

“No.”

“Let me go!” I scream. “I said we’re fucking done.”

“What’re you goin’ to do?” he snarls. “Run out there and try to find someone whose situation you know nothing about?”

“She’s my sister. Of course I’m going to fucking find her.”

“You’ll fail,” he barks. “You know why? You have no contacts and no leads. If you want to find her, there’s only one way to do that, and it’s through me. You want to find her, you stay here and you find her. You wanna do it alone, then run out there, but you won’t be gettin’ shit from me.”

The bastard.

“You’re blackmailing me,” I whisper, staring up at him in horror.

“No,” he says, his voice low and throaty. “I’m givin’ you a choice.”

“If I walk out, you won’t help me. You’re using the information you have to keep me here. That’s blackmail.”

“Or maybe I’m just not ready to let you go.”

I look away, anger and pain fighting inside me. Anger at him for lying to me, and pain because I don’t want to spend my life without him.

“You don’t get a choice.”

He lets me go, his body stiff. He steps back, letting his arms fall by his sides. “Whatever you think I did, you’re wrong. I only ever had one goal, and that was to keep you safe. I did what I had to do to make that happen. Hate me, go ahead, but if you want my fuckin’ help, you’ll stay.”

Then he turns and walks out, slamming the door behind him.

I fall to my knees, and for the hundredth time today. I cry.

~*~*~*~

2014 - Santana

I know he’s right.

I don’t have a choice here, not really. If I go out on my own, I could easily get killed, or worse, sold too. Maddox has information, leads and contacts. He’s the only person who can help me with this, and he’s the one person that makes it so hard for me. I don’t want to be near him, and yet the very thought of him makes my heart burn with want.

I’m curled in my bed at Mack’s house. I’ve cried myself into exhaustion. My heart hurts, my body aches, and I’m so damned confused I don’t know which way to turn. All I know is that I have to help Pippa, no matter the cost. If it means I have to work with Maddox to do that, then I will. If it means I’ll save my sister, then I’ll do whatever I can.

My door creaks open, and I roll over to see Mack standing with a sandwich in one hand and a soda in the other. He walks in, placing the items down on the bedside table. “You gotta eat, or you’ll crumble.”

I nod, turning away, tucking myself back into a ball.

“You take the time to hurt, Santana; you have the right to do that. But eventually, you’re going to have to pick yourself up and decide what to do. I know you’re angry at Maddox, again, you have the right to be, but you need to understand that everything he did, he did because he loves you. Hate him for it if you must, but just remember that with each cruel word, you’re breakin’ his heart as much as he’s breakin’ yours. You gotta decide where you want him, and leave it there. He doesn’t deserve this either, because no matter what you believe, he’s worked his fuckin’ ass off to find that girl.”