Melancholy

Mack told me the club has been informed of Rhyder’s death. They’re preparing a funeral now for him and the other men lost. My heart aches at the very thought. Poor Rhyder. He didn’t deserve that. Non of them did. Maddox will be devastated when he’s forced to wake and attend a funeral. I can’t change it though, I can only hold strong for him.

It’s all for him.

“Chante?”

I turn my face to see Mack standing by the bed, a coffee and bagel in his hand.

“You need to eat.”

He’s right. I do...but I don’t want to.

“Please,” he says.

If it wasn’t for the fact that his eyes are so exhausted and broken, I would have refused. Instead, he helps me slide out from my spot beside Maddox and sits me down on a nearby chair. I sip the coffee, barely tasting it.

“You should go and rest.”

He shakes his head. “Can’t leave you or him alone, not now.”

“There are other guys, Mack. They can watch the door.”

His eyes grow hard. “I said no, end of discussion.”

“Mack...” My voice is soft, and at the sound of it, his eyes soften.

“Can’t leave him, Santana. You know that.”

I nod because I do know that. There’s no way I’m leaving him, and I shouldn’t expect anything different from Mack.

“Eat,” he says, pointing to my bagel.

I lift it, taking a small bite and struggling to chew it. I manage, though. Half way through, I can’t push anymore down. I place it on the tray and continue to sip my coffee. A nurse enters, her eyes travelling over Mack and I. She smiles, and goes over to Maddox, checking his vitals. Satisfied with his progress, she leaves.

“How long until he wakes up?” I whisper to Mack.

“The doctor said it could be any minute, or it could be days.”

“Do you think he will?”

“Yeah,” he responds, his voice hard. “He fuckin’ will.”

I nod, swallowing back my emotions as I stare at the lifeless body in the bed.

“You should go catch a shower,” Mack says. “Get some fresh clothes and come back. I’ll stay with him.”

I hesitate. I don’t want to go home. I don’t want to leave his side...but I do need to shower and freshen up.

“Can anyone take me?”

He lifts out his cell. “I’ll call Tyke.”

“No,” I say quickly. “He’s probably sleeping. Call someone else.”

He nods and calls another club member. When he arrives, I stare at Maddox, then to Mack. “Please, call me if anything changes.”

“You know I will.”

I hug Mack and then...hesitantly...I leave.

~*~*~*~

Pippa is awake and sitting at the table with Ash and Indi when I come in. I smile at them, allowing hugs all round before taking a few steps back.

“How’s Maddox?” Ash asks.

“Nothing has changed,” I answer, tucking Pippa into my side.

“I’m sorry, honey.”

I can offer nothing more than a grateful smile.

“Mack sent me home to shower and change, I won’t be here long,” I turn to Pippa. “Are you okay?”

She smiles up at me, looking better than I’ve seen her since she’s been back. She’s clean, her hair soft. Her eyes are bright and her cheeks pink. It’s going to take a long time to take the dullness from her locks, and put some flesh on her bones, but at least she’s home and she’s safe.

God answered one of my prayers.

“I’m fine,” she says in a small voice. “Ash is really nice and Indi said she’d stay over, we’re going to watch movies.”

I give the girls a grateful look, and they both smile warmly at me.

“We’re going to have a great time,” Indi announces.

I love them in that moment, more than I ever thought I could. They’re worried about their men, no doubt wanting to hold them for days on end, yet here they are supporting me. I let go of Pippa and hug them again, forcing my tears back.

“It’s okay,” Ash says, even though I haven’t said a word. “Our men are home, safe. Yours isn’t. We’re going to take care of Pippa until he is.”

My nostrils burn and my throat constricts. Not now, Santana. Not now. I pull back, nodding because it’s all I can do.

“Shower,” Ash says softly. “I’ll get you some clothes.”

I nod, turning and rushing off up the stairs. I skid to a stop when I reach Maddox’s room. With shaky legs, I enter. I sit on the bed, pulling a shirt into my hands that had been tossed onto the dark covers. I breathe it in, and the burning in my nose increases until I’m sure I can’t hold back my tears.

Not now. Come on.

I swallow until my throat hurts, and drop the shirt. He’s going to be okay, he is. I can’t lose him now. I force myself to my feet and into the bathroom. My clothes come off without any clear acknowledgment of the act. I’m not thinking, not even really in the moment. My body is slowly going numb from the pain swirling in my chest.

Over the next half an hour, I wash, shave, clean and scrub any parts of my body that need it. Then I get out, dry and brush my hair, and then pull on the clothes Ash left on my bed – a pair of jeans and a turtle neck sweater. When I’m done, I make my way back downstairs.

That’s when my phone rings.

The sound is surprising, and it takes me a moment to realize it’s mine. I rush down stairs as fast as my sore leg will take me, but Ash has already answered it. She’s saying something I can’t hear, she nods, and then she hangs up. Turning to me, she whispers, “He’s awake.”