Midnight Tides
‘Well, why not? Here, care to pick the bones?’
‘Possibly. What was it originally?’
‘Cat, of course.’
‘Cat. Oh yes, of course. Well, I never liked cats anyway. All those hair balls.’ He drew the plate over and perused it to see what was left.
‘You have a fascination for feline genitalia? That’s disgusting, although I’ve heard worse. One of our minor catchers once tried to marry a rat. I myself possess peculiar interests, I freely admit.’
‘That’s nice,’ Bugg said, popping a vertebra into his mouth to suck out the marrow.
‘Well, aren’t you curious?’
‘No,’ he said around the bone. ‘Should I be?’
Rucket slowly leaned forward, as if seeing Bugg for the first time. ‘You… interest me now. I freely admit it. Do you want to know why?’
‘Why you freely admit it? All right.’
‘I’m a very open person, all things considered.’
‘Well, I am considering those things, and so consequently admit to being somewhat surprised.’
‘That doesn’t surprise me in the least, Bugg. What are you doing later tonight, and what’s that insect? There, on your shoulder?’
He pulled the vertebra out and reached for another. ‘It’s of the two-headed variety. Very rare, for what I imagine are obvious reasons. I thought my master would like to see it.’
‘So you permit it to crawl all over you?’
‘That would take days. It’s managed to climb from halfway up my arm to my shoulder and that’s taken over a bell.’
‘What a pathetic creature.’
‘I suspect it has difficulty making up its minds.’
‘You’re being funny, aren’t you? I have a thing for funny people. Why don’t you come home with me after you’ve finished there.’
‘Are you sure you don’t have any business to discuss with me? Perhaps some news for Tehol?’
‘Well, there’s a murderous little girl who’s undead, and she’s been killing lots of people, although less so lately. And Gerun Eberict has been far busier than it would outwardly seem.’
‘Indeed? But why would he hide that fact?’
‘Because the killings do not appear to be politically motivated.’
‘Hard to tell. We think he just likes killing people.’
‘Somewhere between two and three thousand, we think.’
Bugg reached with haste for his goblet. He drank the wine down, then coughed. ‘Errant take us!’
‘So, are you coming home with me or not? I have this cat-fur rug-’
‘Alas, my dear, I have taken a vow of celibacy.’
‘Since when?’
‘Oh, thousands of years… it seems.’
‘I am not surprised. But even more intrigued.’
‘Ah, it’s the lure of the unattainable.’
‘Are you truly unattainable?’
‘Extraordinary, but yes, I am.’
‘What a terrible loss for womanhood.’
‘Now you are being funny.’
‘No, I am being serious, Bugg. I think you are probably a wonderful lover.’
‘Aye,’ he drawled, ‘the very oceans heaved. Can we move on to some other subject? You want any more wine? No? Great.’ He collected the carafe, then drew a flask from under his shirt and began the delicate task of pouring the wine into it.
‘Is that for your eel soup?’
‘Indeed.’
‘What happens now that I’ve decided to like you? Not just like you, I freely admit, but lust after you, Bugg.’
‘I have no idea, Rucket. May I take the rest of these bones?’
‘You certainly may. Would you like me to regurgitate my meal for you as well? I will, you know, for the thought that you will take into you what was previously in me-’
Bugg was waving both hands in the negative. ‘Please, don’t put yourself out for me.’
‘No need to look so alarmed. Bodily functions are a wonderful, indeed sensual, thing. Why, the mere blowing clear of a nose is a potential source of ecstasy, once you grasp its phlegmatic allure.’
‘I’d best be going, Rucket.’ He quickly rose. ‘Have a nice night, Chief Investigator.’ And was gone.
Alone once more, Rucket sighed and leaned back in her chair. ‘Well,’ she sighed contentedly, ‘it’s always been a sure-fire way of getting rid of unwanted company.’ She raised her voice. ‘Servant! More wine, please!’ That bit about clearing the nose was especially good, she decided. She was proud of that one, especially the way she disguised the sudden nausea generated by her own suggestion.