Midnight

Through her numb lips, she whispered, "Am I a vampire?"

"Pas encore,"Sage said unsteadily. "Not yet. But Stefan and I, we both had to give you massive amounts of blood. You must be very careful in the next days. You are right on the brink."

That explained how she felt. Probably Damon was hoping that she would become one, wicked boy. Instinctively, she held out her hand to Stefan. Maybe she could help him.

"We just won’t do anything for a little while,"she said. "You don’t have to be sad."But she herself Stillfelt very wrong. She hadn’t felt this wrong since she’d seen Stefan in prison and had thought that he would die at any moment.

No…it was worse…because with Stefan there had been hope and Elena had the feeling that now hope was gone.

Everything was gone. She was hol ow: a girl who looked solid, but whose insides were missing.

"I’m dying,"she whispered. "I know it…Are you al going to say good-bye now?"

And with that Sage – Sage! – choked up and began to sob.

Stefan, Stilllooking so oddly mussed, with those traces of soot on his face and arms and his hair and clothes soaking wet, said, "Elena, you’re not going to die. Not unless you choose to."

She had never seen Stefan look like this before. Not even in prison. His flame, his inner fire that he showed to almost no one but Elena, had gone out.

"Sage saved us,"he said, slowly careful y, as if it cost him great effort to speak. "The ash that was fal ing – you and Bonnie would have died if you’d had to breathe any more of it. But Sage put a door back to the Gatehouse right in front of us. I could barely see it; my eyes were so ful of ashfal , and it’s only getting worse on that moon."

"Ashfal ,"Elena whispered. There was something at the bottom of her mind, but once again her memory failed her. It was almost as if she’d been Influenced to not remember. But that was ridiculous.

"Why were ashes fal ing?"she asked, realizing that her voice was husky, hoarse – as if she’d cheered too long at a footbal game.

"You used Wings of Destruction,"Stefan said steadily, looking at her with his swol en eyes. "You saved our lives. But you kil ed the Tree – and the star bal disintegrated."

Wings of Destruction. She must have lost her temper. And she’d kil ed a world. She was a murderer.

And now the star bal was lost. Fel ‘s Church. Oh, God. What would Damon say to her? Elena had done everything –

everything wrong. Bonnie was sobbing now, her face turned away.

"I’m sorry,"Elena said, knowing how inadequate this was. For the first time she looked around miserably. "Damon?"she whispered. "He won’t speak to me? Because of what I did?"

Sage and Stefan looked at each other.

Ice went down Elena’s spine.

She started to get up, but her legs weren’t the legs she remembered. They wanted to unlock at the knees. She was staring down at herself, at her own wet and smudged clothes – and then something like mud came down her forehead.

Mud or congealing blood.

Bonnie made a sound. She was Stillsobbing, but she was speaking, too, in a new husky voice that made her sound much older. "Elena – we didn’t get the ashes out of the top of your hair. Sage had to give you an emergency transfusion."

"I’l get the ashes out,"Elena said flatly. She let her knees bend. She fel onto them, jarring her body. Then, twisting, she leaned down to the little brook and let her head fal forward.

Through the icy shock she could dimly hear exclamations from the people above water, and Stefan’s sharp, Elena, are you All right? in her head.

No, she thought back. But I’m not drowning, either. I’m washing out my hair. Maybe Damon will at least see me if I’m presentable. Maybe he’ll come with us and fight for Fell’s Church.

Let me help you up, Stefan sent quietly.

Elena had come to the end of her air. She pul ed her heavy head out of the water and flipped it, soaking but clean, so that it fel down her back. She stared at Stefan.

"Why?"she said – and then, with a sudden panic – "Has he left already? Was he angry…with me?"

"Stefan."It was Sage, speaking tiredly. Stefan, who was staring out of his green eyes like a hunted animal, made some faint sound.

"The Influence, it is not working,"Sage said. "She will remember on her own."

Chapter 41

Stefan didn’t move or speak for long moments. Elena’s heart swelled. Suddenly she was as afraid as he clearly was. She went to him and took both his hands, which were shaking.

Darling, don’t cry, she sent. There must still be time to save Fell’s Church. There must. It can’t end this way. And besides, Shinichi is gone! We can get to the children; we can break the conditioning…" She stopped. It was as if the word "conditioning"echoed in her ears. Stefan’s green eyes were fil ing her vision. Her mind was getting…it was getting fuzzy. Everything was becoming unreal again. In a minute she wouldn’t be able to…

She wrenched her eyes away, breathing hard.

"You were Influencing me,"she said. She could hear the anger in her own voice.

"Yes,"Stefan whispered. "I’ve been Influencing you for half an hour."

How dare you? Elena thought, just for him.

"I’m stopping it…now,"Stefan said quietly.

"As am I,"Sage added, sounding exhausted.

And the universe did a slow spin and Elena remembered what it was that they were al keeping from her.

With a wild sob, she rose, scattering droplets, coming to her feet like an avenging goddess. She looked at Sage. She looked at Stefan.

And Stefan proved how brave he was, how much he loved her. He told her what she already knew. "Damon is gone, Elena. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry if…if I kept you from being with him as much as you wanted to. I’m sorry if I came between you. I didn’t understand – how much you loved each other. I do now."And then he dropped his face into his hands.