My Immortal (Seven Deadly Sins #1)(65)
Author: Erin McCarthy

"She used me. I used her. I was in a destructive phase, risk-taking, trying to find the weakness, the way to end my life. It was not a good time for me, and Marissabelle was entirely too much like me. She craved the thrill, the danger, and she embraced anything licentious, eagerly explored all avenues of sexuality. I had the very appealing idea that she would want to take my role, that I could tell her the truth, ask if she would like immortality, to be young forever. But together she and Rosa backstabbed me, and I wound up the same as before, with Marissabelle immortal as well and triumphant. Sixty years ago somehow Marissabelle won her freedom, and very much enjoys that I don’t know how she did it."

"So you would give up your immorality?" Somehow that question felt very important to Marley. If after everything he’d been through, he would still cling to his immortality, hold tight to that invincibility, she would have her answers.

"Yes, I would give it up, without hesitation. If I knew how, I would. I don’t want this, I don’t want to be this man. I want the chance to prove to myself that there is good inside of me."

"Anna… Marissabelle… she hates you."

"She is a bitter, vain woman and she always has been."

"She lost her daughters. Made degrading choices so she could better her son’s life."

Damien scoffed. "It’s a sympathetic picture she paints. But I never saw evidence of the loving mother. What Marissabelle had in spades was lust. Lust for money, power, sex. She was the mirror of me in my youth and the perfect partner when I was determined to destroy myself. Physically and emotionally."

Marley wanted to pass judgment, wanted to turn her nose up at Marissabelle’s flaws, even at Marie’s weaknesses, but she was no different. She too had succumbed to lust, to greed, to the lure of selfishness.

"I do feel responsible for introducing her to Rosa, though. Perhaps without our influence, she wouldn’t have become the most notorious mistress in New Orleans."

"I think sometimes we overestimate our influence on other people." Sorry she’d steered the conversation back to Anna, Marley stared up at the dark sky, unsure what she was supposed to do now, and she felt stunned, numb, jumbled, "My sister, Lizzie, is here, Damien. With some creepy guy who seems to be ordering her around. I almost think there’s some kind of dominant-submissive relationship going on between them. It was disgusting." Everything, everyone felt disgusting. Even she felt disgusting, out of control, all the worse for her sins and flaws because she had been so damn certain she was better.

"Given how you’ve described Lizzie’s personality, I’m not surprised. Maybe we should go back to the house so you can talk to her."

"I can’t talk to her. She’s too busy giving total strangers blow jobs because her boyfriend told her to." Marley closed her eyes. God, this hurt so much.

"Ma cherie… I’m sorry."

"Will you stop having the parties, Damien?"

"It’s part of my bargain. I have to, or the Grigori will punish me. I could survive that, I’m sure, but they’ll also punish Rosa, which I can’t live with. And they’ll take Rosa de Montana, they’ll burn it to the ground… all I have left of my family, my father, Marie, and in the end I’ll still be in servitude, chained to them. I could survive all that, I know I could, but in the end, after destroying everything that I have, they would take my soul. I would be lost in their power… no longer me, just a vessel of their evil. I may hate what I am, how I have to live, but I’m still me this way. I am in control. I don’t want to lose the essence of my soul… Does that make sense?"

"Yes." Better to lose pieces of himself than the whole.

"And these people at the parties, they live this way because they want to. I have no real influence on them, I’m just a setting they chose, and without me, they’d just go somewhere else."

It was a justification and they both knew it. But Marley knew he had no choice. On the other hand, she did, and she couldn’t willingly take part in any of this. It had nothing to do with her feelings for Damien, and everything to do with her respect for herself. The truth changed everything. Before, when she had thought they were two lost souls searching for comfort, it had been different. Then again, they were still two lost souls. But she had always intended to leave. That hadn’t changed. What had changed was the understanding that if she stayed now, knowing what she did about Damien’s servitude, about Rosa, she would be allowing herself to hover near the edge of what she knew to be wrong. She needed to pull herself back before she tripped over.

"I can’t stay, Damien, you know that. I have to go home."

He sighed. "So nothing has changed? You’re still leaving?"

"Yes." Her heart pounded. "Unless you ask me to stay." She didn’t mean to say that, but the words slipped out, illuminating how shaky her convictions were, how vulnerable.

Damien rubbed his jaw. Then he picked up the cell phone she’d dropped and hurled it out toward the swamp with a roar of frustration. Marley jumped a little, but just waited for him to say what he needed to say.

"Damn it. You know what I have to do, Marley. You know if I ask you to stay, it just starts all over again. Rosa and her father, they’ll have me by the balls, and I will slowly do to you what I did to Marie, until you can’t stand me or yourself any longer. No matter how much I love you, how much I want to keep you with me, pretending that everything is okay, it isn’t. This is who I am." He stabbed a finger into his chest. "I am a demon servant. And if I want to be able to live with myself, to retain any piece of decency in me, I have to tell you to go home."

It wasn’t what she wanted to hear, but it was what she needed to hear. She knew he was right, knew that she would compromise herself, lose her hold on her principles for selfish happiness, pleasure. "Is there a way I could help you? There has to be a way to break free."

"If there is, I don’t know it."

Marley felt guilty, like she was abandoning him, like she was just tossing him to his fate and running. It tore at her heart. "I understand everything about the past, Damien, and I can accept it, because I know what kind of a man you are now… I could even get over my jealousy at the thought of you in bed with Marissabelle and Rosa, but I can’t deal with the immortality, the Grigori. I’d feel like I was turning my back on my faith, letting myself…"

He covered her mouth with his hand. "Shh. You don’t have to explain. It’s the right thing and we both know it. That doesn’t mean I like it, but it’s what I want for you. For me."

Tears flooded her eyes. She was on her side, but had never bothered to sit up. Now she did, reaching for him, pulling him toward her, kissing him with all the frustration and heartbreak she felt. Their mouths collided, tongues thrusting, and Marley slid her hand down, yanked at the button on his jeans, needing him.