Nocte (The Nocte Trilogy #1)(55)
Author: Courtney Cole

“Are you a mass murderer?” I ask, trying to lighten the mood, but it doesn’t work.  His face doesn’t change.

“No. But there are things… that I wish I could say, but can’t.”

I drop my hand, stricken by the look in his eye.

“Like what?” I ask bluntly.  “Just tell me right now. Tell me all the things, Dare.”

He ignores that.

“Do you believe me when I say I love you?” he asks instead, his fingers running along my cheek.

“I’m not sure why, but yeah.  I believe you.”

He looks startled. “Why wouldn’t I love you?”

I shrug. Because no one else ever has.

Aside from my parents and Finn.

But I don’t say that.

Instead, I face him squarely.  “You’re scaring me.  If you love me, then you shouldn’t be afraid to tell me the truth… about anything.  Tell me, Dare.”

He stares at me, pausing.

“I can’t.  It’s about me… who I am.  You wouldn’t understand.”

I stare back, my spine straightened like steel.  “Try me.”

He shakes his head, firm.  “I can’t.”

Despair like I’ve never felt it before settles around me like a cloud. I thought he was my anchor, but if he can’t trust me enough to tell me who he even is, then I can’t trust him with my heart.

Even I know that my heart is too fragile for that right now.

“That’s not good enough,” I tell him slowly, each word fighting my lips.  I don’t want to say them, but I have to.  I have to.

I have to do what is good for me. What is smart for me.

“I’ve got enough secrets around me at the moment… whatever Finn is hiding.  And his drama. I can’t take it from you too, Dare.  I just can’t.  If you can’t tell me what is going on with you… then….” The pain breaks my voice off and tears well up in my eyes.

Dare doesn’t fold.  He just stares at me, daring me to say it.  Dare me.

“If I can’t tell you what’s going on with, then what?”  he pushes.

“Then I can’t be with you.  Not if you don’t trust me enough to let me in.”

Dare sighs and takes my hand, his thumb stroking mine, but I pull it away.

“I mean it.”

“You don’t understand,” Dare tells me, his voice harsh. “I’m doing this for you.  To protect you.  There are things you don’t know.  You can’t know, not right now.  I love you, Calla. I do.  But you’ve got to trust me.”

“I only trust people who are honest with me,” I reply evenly.  “You’re not being honest.”

For the life of me, I don’t know how we went from having an amazing day to this, in the blink of an eye.   Dare looks confused too, and shell-shocked and unsure of what to do.

“God, I want to be,” he tell me, his voice razor sharp.  “I’m in a bad position, Calla.  You don’t understand.”

“I only understand one thing,” I tell him and my heart threatens to break. “And it’s that I can’t do this right now.  If you ever decide that you’re ready for something else with me, that you want to grow up and be honest, come get me.  Until then, leave me alone.”

I get up and walk down the beach, fighting the urge to collapse at every step. What did I just do?  Am I insane?  I feel Dare watching me, I feel his gaze, and against my will, I glance over my shoulder.

He’s staring at me and the look in his eyes tears my insides apart.  There’s pain there, raw, honest pain, and that’s all I can see.  It swirls around and around, and then the stars whirl and suddenly, the world spins.

It’s too much to handle.

Anyone would crack.

So I do.

36

TRIGENTA SEX

I’m in my bed.

The sunshine is bursting through my windows, flooding the room with light.  I open my eyes, to find Finn sitting next to my bed.

“Dramatic, much?” he asks, his eyebrow raised.

I gaze around the room, only to find it empty, but for my brother and me.

“Where’s Dare?” I ask quickly. Finn looks away, shielding his thoughts from me.

“Gone,” he simply says.

Gone?  Without another word?  Or explanation?  Or anything? I know I told him to go, but still.  God.

My stomach balls up, like it’s being constricted in a vise.

“Dad’s downstairs getting you some breakfast.”

“I don’t want breakfast,” I say petulantly, staring out my windows. The sky is still blue, the sun still shines… even though Dare is gone.

“Are you ok?” Finn asks finally.  “You passed out on the beach.  Dare carried you here, but once dad found out that you’d gotten upset while you were fighting, dad made him leave.  What happened?”

“Nothing,” I mutter.  “I’m just surrounded by secrets and craziness and I can’t let Dare keep secrets too.  I want him here, I want to be with him, but I’m going to lose my mind if the people in my life don’t start being straight with me.”

Finn stares at me, startled.  “What do you mean by that?”

I don’t blink.  “I think you know.”

But before he can reply, we’re interrupted by my father.

He breezes through the door with toast and juice, like it’s an ordinary day.

“Good morning!” he calls out, setting the tray on my stand. “I’m glad you’re awake.”

I stare at him icily.

“You sent Dare away.”

My father stares back, standing his ground.

“You literally passed out on the beach,” Dad tells me concisely.  “While you were having a fight with him.”

“My love life is my business,” I remind him.  “I decide who to send away. Not you.”

My father shakes his head. “I decide who can stay on my property,” he tells me. “And you’re under enough pressure without adding more to it.  Dare understood. He agreed, actually.” 

“Dare agreed that he shouldn’t be with me?” I ask doubtfully.  Dad’s expression slips a bit.

“Not exactly.  He just agreed that he shouldn’t be here last night.  I’ll let you decide when you want to talk to him next.  But when you do, you need to make sure you’re ready. Being emotionally involved with someone is a big deal, honey. Especially when your emotions are fragile already.”