Out of Mind (Out of Line #3)(27)
Author: Jen McLaughlin

“Carrie.” Finn met my eyes again, his own looking a little bit hard. “He didn’t fire me because of my injury. He fired me because I fell in love with you. I knew it was going to happen, and I did it anyway.”

I flushed. “But—”

“It’s okay.” He pressed his fingers to my mouth. “I made plans for this, remember? I can call Captain Richards and see if the offer for college is still open and—”

“Wait. You want to stay in, after what happened to you?”

He frowned at me. “Well, maybe. If I’m not discharged. That’s always been the plan. What else am I supposed to do with myself?”

“Go to college. Be normal. Live.”

“This is me being normal.” He stepped back, letting go of me. Then his brow crinkled, and he grabbed me again, turning my face toward the light. He paled, and his fingers faltered on my chin. “Where did this mark come from?”

“It’s nothing,” I said quickly, my voice quivering. I tried to think fast. “It’s a silly bruise that I can’t even remember—”

“Don’t f**king lie to me,” he said, his voice hard. “Did Riley hit you? Is that what you were talking about earlier? Is that what you couldn’t tell me?”

“N-No.” I closed my eyes and shook my head as best as I could with him holding me like that. By the time I opened my eyes, he looked like he was ready to explode. “Of course not. Please. It’s nothing.”

“Then who did it?” He ran his fingers over the discoloration, his voice tinged with concern. “I know it wasn’t your dad, and the only other person you were with besides him was…was…” His gaze snapped back to mine, comprehension turning the blue stormy and violent. “Me. Holy shit.”

I shook my head frantically. “Finn, you didn’t do this. Not really.” I tried to grab his hand, but he jerked away and backed off, his eyes wide. “It wasn’t you. When you went crazy that night, something flew back and scraped against me. It was nothing.”

He growled, his chest rising and falling rapidly. “It’s everything! I f**king hurt you.”

“It was an accident!” I cried out, holding my hands in front of me and taking another step toward him. He backed away again. “Don’t you see? This wasn’t you. It was just a freak occurrence—”

“Stop. Making. Excuses.” He ran a hand down his face. The empty hollowness I saw in his eyes killed me. “I hurt you, Carrie. The one person I swore I would never hurt. The one person I swore I would never, ever let down. The one person left on this world I need—and I hurt you? How the f**k is that okay?”

“Because you didn’t mean to do it, damn it,” I shouted, stomping my foot. “Why do you insist on always making yourself out to be the bad guy who ruins everything? This was an accident. Simply an accident.”

“Fuck that.” He stalked to the bar and yanked it open. “Me hurting you is never, ever acceptable. You’ve been tiptoeing around me, acting like you’re scared to set me off—and now I see why. You should have been scared, damn it.”

He was right. I’d totally been walking on eggshells around him, and look where it had gotten us. Here. “You know what? You’re right. I’ve been scared about doing anything to set you off or make you upset, but maybe you need that now.” I slapped his uninjured arm, and, man, it felt good. “Stop being an ass**le. Stop hurting me. And stop acting like this.”

He flinched, but I knew it was from my words, not my blow. “I can’t. I keep hurting you, and it’s not fair.”

“Then don’t do it again,” I snarled, wanting to hit him again, but holding myself back. “Simple solution, really. No need for dramatics and heartbreak. You know where you can start? Close that stupid cabinet, and back away from the alcohol. You promised me you wouldn’t drink anymore. Why don’t you follow through on that? It’s a good start.”

He froze with his hand on the knob. “I hurt you, Carrie. What makes you think I’m worthy of keeping promises? What makes you think you can trust me at all?” Then he looked at me and he looked…different. It reminded me of something, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. “What makes you think I give a damn about what promises I’ve made you if I can hurt you like that? You can’t f**king trust me. Not anymore.”

I curled my hands into fists. He was ruining everything, all because of a stupid mark he hadn’t even meant to put there. God. “Stop this right now, or maybe I’ll decide I’m done with you. Is that what you f**king want?”

He hesitated. Actually hesitated. “And if I do?”

“You don’t,” I said quickly, not giving up on him. I couldn’t. “I know you, Finn. This isn’t you.” I wrapped my arms around myself. “Stop being like this.”

He yanked the cabinet open. “Ah, but you’re wrong. This is me now, Carrie, and it isn’t changing. The problem is, neither are you. Which is why…” He hesitated, his knuckles white on the handle. “Th-This isn’t working anymore.”

I gasped, unable to believe what he was saying. What he was doing.

And then, oh God, then I realized what I was thinking of when he’d reminded me of something earlier. The way he was looking at me right now, all cold calculation and separated, it reminded me of when we’d first met…

Before he loved me.

Finn

She gasped behind me, and the pain she felt right now sliced through me. I’d swear it did. You have to stop hurting her if you love her. That’s what Dad had said before he died. It was time I did what he’d asked. I’d been selfishly keeping Carrie at my side, treating her like shit the whole time.

It was time to admit that I wasn’t getting better anytime soon. I was hurting her constantly, and I couldn’t do it anymore. I’d been ignoring it up until now, but seeing that bruise on her face? Well, I couldn’t f**king ignore that. I always swore I’d leave her before I’d hurt her. It was time to follow through on that promise.

“Finn, don’t do this to me. You didn’t even know it happened,” she whispered, her voice broken and shaken.

I closed my eyes, pain ripping through me. “Is that supposed to make it better? That I was so f**ked up I didn’t even realize the person I love more than life itself was hurting?”