Out of the Shallows (Into the Deep #2)(51)
Author: Samantha Young

Stunned, my voice was husky with emotion. “I never knew you felt that way.”

“Because it sounds silly. I’m a grown-up. We’re supposed to stop hero-worshipping and putting people up on pedestals after the age of ten. But you bounced back from Jake, and yeah, you were different, but you were strong still and you were my sister again. I just didn’t want to lose that. So I pushed my opinion on you and I let Dad’s overprotectiveness about the whole thing fuel my opinion and somewhere along the line, I forgot to trust you. Our argument was my fault. You shouldn’t have handled it the way you did but I shouldn’t have tried to make you choose between the people you love. It put you in an impossible position, Charley. I told Dad that too.” She smiled. “I think he may even have listened. So if Jake is the guy for you, I promise I’ll support you on it. I promise I’ll trust you.”

I blinked rapidly against the tears. “It doesn’t matter now.”

“Of course it matters. You just told me how you treated the guy these last few months and still he was there for you—he helped get you here. For that alone, I’m willing to give this kid another shot.”

“Didn’t you hear me earlier? I promised God I wouldn’t be with Jake if He saved you.”

Andie reached for my hand and I squeezed hers in return, so grateful for her forgiveness. “This irrational fear of yours that if you break your pact with God something bad will happen to me, it’s not uncommon. I read about these kinds of fears in my research. Men who lose their fathers at a young age often have a crippling belief that they themselves won’t live past the age their fathers were when they died. People who offer to sacrifice something to God if He’ll save a loved one is a common occurrence. When the loved one lives, the person often believes that God held up His side of the bargain. They then sacrifice what they promised for fear of reprisal. These kinds of beliefs and fears seem beyond irrational to other people, but they can take such a strong foothold that people make choices around it that they shouldn’t.” Her grip on me tightened. “You stopped going to church when you were old enough to decide whether you had faith in God or faith in the people around you. You told me that for now, you’d stick with people because they had proven themselves to you and so far God hadn’t. Listen to me when I tell you that I woke up from that coma because I wasn’t finished here.” Her eyes shone bright with tears. “I need you to have faith in that, and not in some deal you made with a deity I’m not even sure you really believe in.”

I brushed at the tears falling beyond my control. “I don’t know if it’s that easy. These last few months without you have been the hardest of my life, and now I’m just terrified of losing you.”

“Getting through that fear… it’s not going to happen overnight, Supergirl. This is the first time we’ve talked in months. It’s going to take time. But we’re going to make time.” She moved and wrapped her arms around me. I hugged my sister tight. “You’ll find yourself.”

“What if I can’t get back to who I was?” I whispered.

“You won’t because it’s not about going back. It was never about going back. It was about doing something, anything, but standing still. You did that. You came to me even though you were petrified of the outcome. So now… it’s about moving forward and growing up.” She kissed my forehead. “It sucks at first, but it gets better.”

Chapter Nineteen

“So I talked with my Mom and Dad about careers.”

Dr. Bremner gave me a nod of encouragement. “And?”

“It went well, actually. We compromised. I study law next fall. When I graduate, we’ll talk about the police academy again and whether they’re comfortable with the idea.”

After finally getting up the nerve to face my sister, I went home to Lanton with Andie for the weekend. I swear to God the distance between my dad and me melted as soon as I walked in the door with my sister at my side. He hugged us tight, relief and pride back in his eyes. Mom was much the same. As a family we sat down and talked everything through with honesty and as much calm as we could muster.

It wasn’t all tied up neatly in a bow. Andie had forgiven me but she was still mad it had taken me so long to come check on her. And she had every right to be angry. I was still a little pissed at my dad for the way he’d treated me and after I explained everything I’d been going through, he and Mom had guilty looks on their faces. Especially when Andie told them it was Jake who’d helped me work it out. I’d tried to tell my dad at his auto shop that day, and although it made him ease up on me, he hadn’t gone out of his way to help me work it out. He expected me to do it alone because that’s who he thought I was. That’s who I thought I was too.

But over the last few months, Andie and Dr. Bremner, her colleague, had shown me that it didn’t make me weak to ask for help from friends and family. It didn’t make me any less of a person.

Andie had talked me into seeing a psychiatrist because she thought it would help me organize my thoughts and realize what it was I wanted out of life. Dr. Bremner and I were taking it step by step and had spent time talking about my career. She didn’t just take my word at face value—she wanted me to dig deep so I’d know for sure if giving up the academy was something I could live with in the long run. I was willing to do what it took to give my family peace of mind, but I also wanted a career that would make me feel less powerless. Because Andie was right in the end. I had a crazy savior complex and it needed an outlet.

I passed the LSATs with flying colors and was accepted into law school at the University of Chicago. A few weeks ago Andie invited me to stay with her and Rick for the weekend and they had Rick’s friend over for dinner. He was a public defender. He didn’t make the kind of money I’m sure my parents would want me to make after paying for such an expensive education, but this guy was so passionate about his job, that aspect of it didn’t bother me. He said it came with good and bad. It was hard to defend people who were guilty of heinous crimes no matter if you were a public defender or working for a private law firm, but it was balanced by the fact that he got to help people in impossible situations and maybe give them a second chance.

It was another viewpoint I hadn’t considered.

And that’s when I really started to think. The smart plan for me was to get a law degree, do the internships, and then decide what I wanted to do with my life. It was three years away, and anything could happen in three years. However, I was also not quite ready to give up on the idea of the academy.