Roomies

At least twenty minutes go by. Calvin and I try to quiz each other in a way that looks more like flirting and less like cramming for a last-minute test—and get so caught up that we startle when our names are called. I’m assaulted by the mental image of cartoon characters with sweat spouting from their foreheads and the word LIARS flashing above. Calvin links his fingers with mine again when we stand, and we’re greeted by a smiling man with more forehead than hair who introduces himself as Sam Dougherty.

Inside his office, Officer Dougherty sits down in a chair that creaks each time he shifts. “All right. Please repeat after me: ‘I swear that the information I am about to provide is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God.’ ”

We repeat it in quiet unison, and I wipe my sweaty hand on my thigh when we’re done.

With his eyes on the file in front of him, Dougherty begins, “Calvin, may I please have your passport and driver’s license, if applicable. And Holland, I need whatever proof of citizenship you’ve brought with you.”

We huddle together, and despite knowing this file backward and forward, it takes a comical amount of time and repeated paper shuffling to find what he needs. I feel the tremor in my hands as I hand it over, and can see it in Calvin’s, too.

“Thank you,” Dougherty says, taking them. “And thank you for making copies. That’s always appreciated.”

Even though I sense that he’s going out of his way to be nice, my heart is pounding in my throat. But when I glance over to Calvin, any trace of nerves seems to have left him. He sits comfortably in his chair, hands loosely folded in his lap, with one leg easily crossed over the other. I take a breath, wishing he could funnel some of that calm into me.

“When did you enter the country?”

Calvin answers honestly—eight years ago—and I note the tiny quirk in Dougherty’s brow as he writes this down. I clench my own hands in my lap to keep from leaning forward and explaining, See, he’s a brilliant musician and kept thinking that the right opportunity would come along, and then it didn’t, and before he knew it, he’d been here four years illegally and was terrified he’d lost any shot at playing music in the States.

Calvin glances at me, lifting a brow as if he can tell that I’m on the verge of losing it. He winks, and my blood pressure backs off; the cold panic thaws along my skin.

I tune back in, following their conversation. Where did you go to school? What did you study? When were you born? Where were you born? What do you do to make ends meet?

Calvin nods, having prepared for this last question. Although street performance itself is protected under the First Amendment as artistic expression, we agreed with Jeff that busking didn’t lend credibility to Calvin’s plan to play the part of a classically trained musician. “I’ve been playing with a number of local bands,” he says, “performing at various venues.”

“Such as?” Dougherty asks without looking up.

“Hole in the Hall,” Calvin says, and winks at me. “Bowery. Café Wha?, Arlene’s Grocery. Tons of places.”

Officer Dougherty turns to me and smiles. He seems completely satisfied with all of this so far. “Is this your first marriage?”

“Yes, sir.”

“And do you have the marriage certificate with you?”

I fumble through the papers again and Calvin leans forward, gently pointing out the right document. “Right there, mo croi.”

I manage to mutter some breathy version of thanks, and hand it over.

“Were your parents at the ceremony, Holland?”

“My parents . . . no,” I say. “They don’t like to fly, and it was all sort of a whirlwind.” I swallow down my nerves. “It was just us, and our best friends.”

“No family there?”

A tiny stab to my heart. “No.”

He writes something down on a sheet of paper, nodding. I suspect he already knew this.

“And what about your parents, Mr. McLoughlin?”

Calvin shifts in his seat. “No, sir.”

Dougherty pauses, taking this in, before writing something down.

Defensiveness rises in me. “Calvin’s youngest sister has cerebral palsy. Her medical expenses are enormous, and the family couldn’t afford to come out. Our hope is to travel to see them this summer to celebrate.”

Dougherty looks at me, and then turns sympathetic eyes to Calvin. “I’m sorry to hear that, Mr. McLoughlin. But I hear Ireland is beautiful in the summer.”

Calvin reaches over, taking my hand and giving it a squeeze.

Dougherty goes through another round of questioning, where this time the goal is to verify that Calvin is of “good moral character,” and he answers with flying colors. I’m just beginning to relax, to think, Holy shit, what was I so worried about?—when Officer Dougherty clears his throat, puts his notebook down, and looks us in the eye in turn.

“So, Calvin and Holland. Now we move on to the final part of the interview, and the part I’m sure you’ve heard the most about, where we hope to determine the authenticity of this marriage.”

That sound? That was my heart falling like a brick from the sky and crumbling on impact.

“Believe it or not, some people aren’t actually in love.” He leans back in his chair—squeak, squeeeeeak. “They come in here trying to obtain a fraudulent green card.” He says this like it’s the most absurd thing he’s ever heard. Calvin and I make a show of looking at each other, attempting to mirror his disbelief.

“And it’s my job to figure that out, and identify red flags. I am required to remind you that you are under oath, and the penalty for perjury is up to five years in a federal prison, and/or a fine of up to $250,000.”

I swallow, and then swallow again. A vision of me in an orange jumpsuit flashes in my thoughts and I have to resist the urge to laugh hysterically.

“I’m going to ask you some questions to assess whether or not you can satisfy your burden of proof as to whether your marriage is real. First of all, do you have documents to substantiate the marriage?”

“You have our certificate.” I pull a stack of papers from my folder. “And here’s the lease agreement.” I slide it in front of him, followed by several more papers. “A copy of our utility bills and our joint account.”

“So you have checks in both your names?”

“Yes, we have sex—CHECKS!” My face explodes in a fireball.

Beside me, Calvin lifts a hand to casually cover his smile.

“One would hope so.” With a smile, Dougherty searches through a list of information. “Calvin, where did Holland study?”

“She went to Yale and then Columbia,” he says. “She has a degree in English and her MFA in creative writing.”

Dougherty looks up, surprised. “MFA. Wow.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And Holland, where did you and Calvin meet?”

“We met . . .” My brain is a slow-motion train wreck, coming around a curve too fast before completely careening off the rails. “At the subway.” Our plan is to say we met on the subway, riding together. Our plan is to avoid mentioning that he was busking for money, and instead focus on his various musical gigs with local bands.

Our plan is to be smooth, for Christ’s sake.

So I have no idea what’s happening when the next words fly out of my mouth: “I used to watch him play.”