Shallow

It’s official. I’m nuts. I’m writing about her for the second time today. I thought about her until I went to sleep and then first thing when I woke up. She was on my mind all day, even when I went to the lake and was around all of Gabbi’s hot friends. I always hooked up with one of them. But not today because she was the only one on my mind.

Jake says I should stay away from her but I don’t think I can. And I know I don’t want to try.

I had no idea he thought about me so much so soon. We had just met. I probably would have freaked out and thought he was a psycho if I had known.

June 10th

I’m writing this a day late, but that’s because my eyes were too swollen to see anything last night after the pepper spray incident. Another story for another time. Right now, I only want to write about her...Doll Face.

I saw her again at Danes’ party and asked her to leave with me. I almost shit my pants when she said ‘yes.’ Good thing I didn’t. I had no idea where I would take a classy chick like her, but we drove by the fairgrounds and she told me that no one had ever taken her before. It made me sad that she didn’t have that simple kind of memory from her childhood so I decided to take her. It was fun acting like a kid with her and I hoped she didn’t think it was a lame date. (I’m calling it a date even if she didn’t.) I wanted to kiss her on the Ferris wheel. It would have been so perfect if she hadn’t just finished telling me for a second time how she didn’t want a guy like me. Am I really that unlovable? Maybe not because I did get a kiss from her later last night and it was perfect.

I thought everything was going great until Dad came in from taking her home. I don’t know what happened, but he doesn’t want me to see her anymore. He can forget that shit because I’m into this girl big time.

No. You’re not the least bit unlovable. You were very easy to love.

June 12th

Like the song, Payton Archer is tbtf and I’m falling for her. That’s all I’ve got.

Tbtf? What was that? I guess I’d have to urban dictionary it.

I had no idea he felt this way so fast.

June 14th

It’s official. I have my first girlfriend. And I taught her how to shoot my Glock. I hope this combination doesn’t prove to be a lethal one for me. I should be fine. I think she likes my titillating details too much to shoot me.

She certainly likes to scream my name. I like it, too. Very much.

Ginny loves her. And I do, too.

Yes, sir. Nick is a very talented young man. I certainly do like his titillating details very much and how he used them to make me scream his name. I would love to scream his name again.

June 15th

I didn’t see Payton today and it sucked. I miss her.

I bet it sucked for me then too because I know for sure it sucked right now.

June 16th

I took my girl to the strip to show her off tonight. I saw Samantha Hodges there and I was afraid of what she might say to Payton. She’s had this psychotic habit of trying to run off other girls I’ve been with. Payton didn’t mention her, so I guess Samantha finally got the picture.

I’m in love with Payton but I’m scared to tell her. I’ve never loved a girl before and it’s scary as hell.

I’m a sitting duck waiting for her to figure out what a son of a bitch I’ve been. When she does, there’s no way she’ll stick around. My mom didn’t so why would I expect her to?

I didn’t mention that psychotic bitch because me and my smart ass mouth took care of her and because I didn’t want to tell you the things she said to me. I think I would have thrown up if I would have felt those words roll off my tongue.

You shouldn’t have been scared to tell me. I loved you, too. I still do.

You're not a son of a bitch.

I didn’t stick around because I couldn’t. And you know why.

June 17th

I don’t like it when Payton’s parents are home. I’m ready for them to go away again.

Me, too, Nick.

June 18th

They’re still here. Go away already.

My, my. Someone was anxious.

June 19th

They still haven’t gone anywhere and I need to see my Payton now. She’s coming to Dad’s banquet with me tomorrow night but that’s still too far away.

I have something special planned so we can have some alone time. It seems like it’s been forever since we were alone.

I’ve decided it’s time to tell her how I feel. I’m terrified like I’m standing on the ledge of a building about to jump and I have no idea if my parachute will open.

My fingers are crossed. I pray she feels the same.

Why were you so scared, you silly boy? I was standing by your side ready to jump with you.

June 20th

Tonight was a total disaster. Thanks a lot, Vivian.

Payton was upset about finding her mom w/ another man. I wanted to make it better for her, but there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t even hold her in my arms because she had to go home to deal with her mama drama.

A child shouldn’t have to deal with a parent’s mess. I guess Payton and I have that much in common.

I didn’t get to tell her I loved her. I hope she already knows.

Payton’s blow up with her mom was enough to send her to her aunt and uncle’s house. I don’t know what this means for her or for us and it scares me.

Oh, Nick. Ignorance can be so bliss.

June 21st

I just spent the most glorious 24 hours of my life with Payton. All I wanted was to be with her and tell her how much I loved her, but she exceeded any expectations I had.

It was her first time to make love. Theoretically, it was my first time, too. I’ve been saving my heart for someone, but I didn’t know who that person was until I met her. She isn’t just another one. She is THE one.

Oh, and I saw my mother for the first time in 13 years. It paled in comparison to what I just shared with Payton.

There’s no feeling in the world better than being THE one for Nick. It’s really too bad it didn’t last because when it was good, it was really good.

Jun 22nd

My mother did something to make Vivian accept our relationship. Sort of. She doesn’t accept us, but she does tolerate us. But it’s ok. I don’t care what my mother did as long as I’m with Payton.

She knows the me no one else on earth knows and I love her for it.

Do I really know the Nick no one else on earth knows? I thought I did, but then our little world came tumbling down and now I don’t think I knew you at all.

June 23rd

I told Payton I wanted to marry her. I do. If she needed me to be something besides a cop, I would do it for her. I would change my entire world just to make her smile.

She must have liked it when I told her I would change my world for her because she took me in the pool house and rocked mine.

I want this girl forever.

I loved that he would change his world for me, so I rocked his and he loved it. So did I.

Even if he would change his world for me, it’s too bad he couldn’t change the past. Getting that girl pregnant and messing with Samantha Hodges ended a beautiful thing.

I closed the journal and put it on my bedside table. Reading Nick’s journal wasn’t accomplishing what Dallas thought it would. Maybe I should stop because it was only causing me more pain.

I finished off my glass of Riesling and stared at the black leather book beside me. It called to me like a siren of the sea. I couldn’t stop now. I’d always wish I had read it all, even if it was painful. I needed the closure.

June 30th

Payton came for her cooking lesson with Ginny today. I may have suggested Ginny teach Payton how to make chicken and dumplings since they are my favorite. It’s only right that my favorite girl know how to cook them for me since I plan on keeping her around forever.

I wanted to be around forever. I wanted to learn how to cook all of your favorite meals, but you ruined that for us. Maybe Samantha can cook your chicken and dumplings for you now.

July 10th

I’ve been thinking about my mother a lot lately but I haven’t told anyone. Not even Payton and I tell her everything. I sort of want to see her again. I love the way she took care of Payton but it hurts me to know she did when she left her own 3 children motherless, only 1 town over.

I might ask Payton to go to her house with me, but it would kill me if she didn’t want to see me. It would be like feeling that fresh pain all over again.

She knows how to get in touch with me. I guess she will if she wants to see me. Then again, she’s known for the last 13 years.

Oh, Nick. I had no idea. I wish you had told me.

July 14th

Dallie is getting so close, so fast to Dane. I’m not sure I like it, but I don’t guess I have much room to say anything after the whirlwind romance between me and Payton. We fell in love in all of what? 2 minutes.

I guess I’m being the overprotective big brother, but it’s my job to worry about my baby sister. Dallie hasn’t had much female influence in her life other than Ginny. Hopefully, that will all be changing since Payton is around so much now.

I’d kill Dane if he got Dallie pregnant.

I guess that’s what Jessie thinks about me.

I’ll be the one to kill Dane if he gets Dallas pregnant.

July 16th

Payton can still scream my name. Really loud. We were in my room and I wasn’t sure when anyone would come home so I put my hand over her mouth.

She bit me. Funny thing about that? I liked it.

The not so funny thing about it? Ginny came in the house and heard us. She knew what we were doing. She waited until Payton was gone to ask me if we were being careful. For future reference: Having the sex talk with your grandmother is not cool. Really.

I’m not telling Payton what Ginny asked me. She would be mortified. She’d probably never want to come back for cooking lessons and I need that girl to know how to cook if I’m keeping her forever. I love good food.

Don’t be so dramatic. It was just a gentle love bite. Maybe.

I liked it, too. And also what you did to make me scream your name. I wish you could do it again.