Shameless

He threw himself into his own bed instead, growling at the thought of the many ways he would never get any sleep if he did anything so foolish.

Yet, as he stared up at the ceiling, a frown creasing his brow, he found himself fighting the urge to do just that, rather than to sleep.

You’re so depraved, Ian. I sold my soul into hell to be your woman. To what end? This is my end.

The words haunted him. Written words signed in blood.

Yes. He was depraved. He was well aware of the extremity of his tastes, and he had made certain his lovers were well aware of it as well. He had never pretended to be anything other than what he was. Yet, it seemed he paid daily for one mistake, for allowing his emotions to cloud the sex and failing to see the danger his lifestyle could pose to another.

She had been young. Hell, he had been young.

Her name had been Melissa. Melissa Gaines. And she had killed herself because of him, because of his hungers, his depravities. Because he had taken an innocent and introduced her to the lifestyle that had drawn him so fiercely.

He had wanted to please her. Had wanted to show her all the pleasures he knew could await her. Hell, he had thought he had loved her. He had swiftly learned the difference between a woman of experience and one too innocent to call a halt to what she saw as nothing more than a game to secure his heart.

He had shared her. He had touched her, glorying in her cries of pleasure, her pleas for more, whispering his praise, drawing her to him as her orgasms shuddered through her body. And he had thought nothing else could be as good. That he couldn’t love any woman as much as he loved Melissa. Until he walked into his apartment the next day to find her lifeless body, her accusation written on a single sheet of paper beside her.

It hadn’t mattered that she had a history of psychiatric problems, or that he had been unaware of them. Even her father’s forgiveness and his tearful explanations of his daughter’s weaknesses hadn’t stemmed the guilt. She had died because she couldn’t handle what he had asked of her. Because she had wanted his love so desperately that she would do something that she couldn’t live with in the cold light of day.

And he had sworn it would never happen again.

Innocence would never suffer at his hands again.

And here was Courtney. So damned innocent he couldn’t believe she wasn’t a virgin. So daring, wickedly so, yet as soft and new as dawn. She was as different as day from night to Melissa. Yet, she served as a cold reminder to the mistakes of the past.

* * * * *

One would think, that with the extremely explosive orgasm the night before, and the fact that she had finally managed to push Ian that final step into a physical relationship, that she would feel some sort of satisfaction.

She felt only remorse.

Courtney sat silently in the bleak, winter-shrouded garden, perched on the top of the cement table that a summer growth of greenery would have hidden from view. Now, it sat like a lonely sentinel in a garden that was presently sleeping the short, dreary cold days away.

Her feet were propped on the curved bench below it, one arm lying across her knees as she propped the elbow of the other on her leg and braced her chin within it to stare across the silent gardens into the pine forest beyond.

The thick cashmere sweater she wore and snug jeans protected her from the outside cold, but it was the chilly foreboding within her that caused her to shiver.

She had been such a child, thinking herself grown up enough to seduce a man such as Ian. Believing she could walk in, and one step at a time, find something he wanted no woman to touch. Believing that she could somehow touch his heart as easily as she could touch his body.

Not that she had expected it to be easy. She hadn’t.

And it wasn’t as though her heart had given up on Ian. That was impossible.

She was young, true. But she knew her heart, just as she knew that her body responded to no one as it did to him. Which left her between a rock and a hard place, so to speak.

Ian would keep the relationship purely physical now. He would use her own inexperience against her, just as he had the night before, to keep his control. It wasn’t possible to wage this battle on an equal footing.

She breathed out wearily, shaking her head at the mess she had found herself in. She should have anticipated this. Her mother had warned her that Ian would not be as easy to conquer as she had convinced herself he would be.

“Ms. Mattlaw, you have a call…” the house butler, Jason, spoke behind her, interrupting her morose thoughts as she turned to him.

He extended the cordless phone to her, nodding coolly before turning and retreating.

“Hello?” She frowned as she raised the receiver to her ear.

“Courtney, it’s Tally Conover.” The smooth cultured voice spoke with lazy amusement. “We didn’t get to talk much during your introduction party. I’m Lucian and Devril’s wife.”

“I remember you. Ian was quite insistent on pulling me away from your group.” Courtney smiled at the memory of Ian’s harassed expression.

“I heard you still had quite a bit of shopping to complete,” the other woman drawled. “I’m at loose ends today and thought I would invite you to join me as I hit the stores. With the parties coming up in the next few months, I find myself in need of new shoes, and perhaps a dress or two.”

And a bit of gossip to finish out the trip, Courtney read between the lines quite well.

“Sounds good. Where should I meet you?”

Tally chuckled knowingly. “Jason will inform Ian I called you, so I may as well pick you up myself. How about around eleven? We could stop for lunch, and then begin shopping in earnest. We might even extend the trip to dinner if you like. We could invite Terrie Wyman and a few others and have a real girls’ night out.”

“Why do I get the feeling I should bring the barbeque sauce,” Courtney responded with an edge of self-mockery.

“No darling, they baste you in your own juices at a roast. I promise, you’ll survive the outing,” Tally assured her, her laughter filled with friendly mockery. “So, are we on?”

“Of course,” Courtney responded, as though there had been no doubt. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

There as a small stretch of silence, then a light chuckle.

“I think you’ll fit in well, Courtney. I’ll pick you up in about an hour and a half then. Bring plenty of credit cards and wear comfortable shoes. I haven’t been shopping in weeks.”

The line disconnected as Courtney moved from the tabletop and began to walk back to the house. Tally Conover, who claimed to be married to both Conover twins and rumored to, at the very least, hold both men in the very palm of her hand. The gossip Courtney had heard regarding the other woman was vivid to say the least. The jealousy she had heard in the voices of the supposedly decent women who had sneered contemptuously, had been rife.

As she stepped back into the house, Ian’s butler materialized from another room, glancing at the phone she carried questioningly. The man had to be a robot.

“Jason, could you inform Ian I’ll be out for the day.” She handed him the phone as she headed to the stairs. “And possibly this evening as well.”

“Of course, Miss Mattlaw,” he responded coolly. “Shall I tell him where you’ll be?”

She stopped at the first step and turned back to the butler with a frown. Why the hell would Ian care?

“That’s not necessary,” she said coolly. “I’m certain I’m old enough to go out alone now. I’ll have my cell phone with me if he needs me though.”

He inclined his head once again, his expression composed, reflecting little if any emotion.

“I will relay your message then.”

Courtney had the oddest desire to snort derisively at his arrogance. As though she were somehow putting him, or Ian, out with her plans. Devil take them both, she was tired of wandering around this bloody mansion waiting on Ian to find a few spare moments to spend with her. And after last night, she wasn’t even certain she wanted to see him.

After giving her that long-awaited orgasm, leaving her voice hoarse from her own screams, and leaving her body tender from his lust, he dared to sleep elsewhere, to not even be there when she awakened. As far as she was concerned, there was little chance that he even cared if she returned before morning.

Stubborn man. He was so intent to show her how little it mattered, how little she would matter as his lover, that he was cutting his own nose off to spite his face. And it was a game she wasn’t willing to play.

Entering her bedroom, she strode to the closet. The sweater and jeans were perfect for a day in the garden, but shopping required clothing more suited to the adventure. Something easily taken off, to make way for changes. Low-heeled shoes rather than the high-heeled, half-boots she now wore.

As she reached into the closet for the below knee-length, button-up cotton sweater dress she chose, the bedroom door was pushed opened rather forcefully, to clash against the wall. Turning, she frowned at Ian, as he stood framed in the doorway.

“Your entrances leave much to be desired,” she stated mockingly.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going with Tally Conover?” His expression was borderline angry.

“Shopping,” she answered him with a shrug as she laid the dress over the back of the nearby chair before stooping to retrieve the low-heeled walking shoes she had bought to go with it.

“Tally never just goes shopping.” He snorted. “Shopping to her is seeing how much trouble she and those other women can create in one day.”

“Excellent.” She flashed him a brilliant smile as she straightened and set the shoes on the floor beside the chair. “Sounds like the type of company I enjoy. Life would be rather boring otherwise, Ian.”

“Not for you.” He closed the door behind him, watching her broodingly. “You create enough havoc on your own. You don’t need any help.”

She allowed a sense of pleasure and pride to infuse her expression.

“Thank you, Ian. That’s one of the nicest compliments I’ve received today. Now, I really need to get ready.”

A quick frown furrowed his brows.

“How long does it take to get ready to go shopping?”

“I’ll be pressed for time the way it is,” she sighed. “Tally will be here in an hour and a half.”

Actually, it took her no time to get ready, but she would be damned if she was ready to deal with Ian right now. He looked much too dark, too sexy for her peace of mind. Especially after last night.

“I would prefer that you didn’t go.” His expression filled with chilly disapproval.

“Why? Because Tally is married to two of the Trojans? What, you thought I hadn’t heard the gossip on your married members?” She laughed at the faint surprise in his expression. “It’s been a little over a week, Ian. I learned who was who, married when, and fucked where, during those two dismally boring parties you insisted I attend those first few days. I would guess I’m acquainted with the better portion of your club memberships through hearsay. By the way, is it really true that Khalid has a harem?”

His eyes closed briefly as he pushed his fingers through his dark, loose hair.

“Trouble waiting to happen,” he muttered as his eyes opened and he pinned her with a fierce stare. “After last night, I thought we could have lunch…”

“Why?” She propped her hand on her hip as she faced him squarely. “You set the rules this morning, Ian. You couldn’t even share the bed you fucked me in. I was remiss, I guess, in learning the rules before pressing myself into your life. I was under the impression lovers slept together.”

He crossed his arms over his chest. “I know you’re upset—”

Why now, she just couldn’t have him thinking she was upset, could she? She gave him a mental, mocking roll of her eyes.