Shatter (True Believers #4)(25)
Author: Erin McCarthy

I flipped him off.

He laughed. “That’s better.”

Heaving myself up with the handrail, I trudged the rest of the way up the stairs and sank down onto the couch. “Ah, that feels good.”

“Can I get you anything?” Rory asked. “You should keep up with your fluid intake.”

I thought about it. “Can I have a blanket?”

Tyler shook his head. “The way your brain works fascinates me.”

“What?” I laughed. “She asked me if I needed anything.”

“She meant a drink.”

“I don’t want a drink, I want a blanket.”

“I’ll tell you what. How about I get you a blanket and a drink?” he asked.

“Sure.”

He went back downstairs and Rory sat on the coffee table facing me. “Is there anything else you need? Ignore Ty. You’re not limited to beverages only.”

I bent over and tried to take my snowy boots off. “I should have taken these off downstairs. But I’m so out of it, I didn’t think about it. But no, I’m fine.”

“It’s hard to believe it’s January, isn’t it?” she asked, knit cap still on her head, a thick oatmeal-colored sweater on under her winter coat. “This time last year I was a mess. Tyler and I were split up.”

I remembered. “It was really hard to watch you hurting like that.”

“That’s how we felt about you, after Nathan.”

“I know. But at least you and Tyler worked out.” I leaned back on the arm of the couch and sighed. The year before I had been blissfully in love with Nathan. Or the person I thought Nathan was. It had turned out I hadn’t known him at all. Of course, looking back now there were signs that I had chosen to ignore. His willingness to let Grant hang around even after he had pushed it too far with Rory and almost raped her. Nathan’s jealousy. His obsessive interest in  p**n . All those times when he pulled my hair in teasing, only it was just a little too hard. Individually, none of them seemed like that big of a deal, and even together I probably would have ignored them if it weren’t for the cheating. That wasn’t something I could ignore.

Nathan wasn’t a horrible guy. He just wasn’t a good guy either. Or at least not good for me. There were good parts to him. He was loyal to his friends, he had a great sense of humor, he was affectionate.

“A year ago Riley and Jessica weren’t together,” I said, thinking back again to all the changes. “Robin hadn’t met Phoenix, she hadn’t transferred yet.”

“My mother was alive,” Tyler said, coming back into the room and spreading a blanket over me.

“Thanks.” I reached out and squeezed his hand, feeling schmaltzy. “You’re a good man, Mann.”

“Thanks.” He ruffled my hair. “You’re not so bad yourself.” He unscrewed a Gatorade and set it on the coffee table next to me. “Now make sure you’re drinking that, Mommy, or I’ll chew your ass out.”

Mommy.

Goose bumps rose all over my skin and I felt tears well up in my eyes.

“Oh, shit. What did I say?” Tyler asked, looking contrite.

I just shook my head and cuddled under the blanket. “I’m fine. I’m going to take a nap, if you don’t mind.”

“Sure, no problem.”

They both moved off and went back downstairs to the kitchen and their bedroom, but I didn’t fall asleep. I did something really weird.

I texted Nathan.

I have no idea why I did it.

Maybe it was because everything was changing so fast.

Maybe it was because I wanted to remember when things were simple and I thought I’d had the answers.

Maybe because I missed having that total understanding of what you have with someone. That easy sense of knowing what you would do on Saturday night, knowing if you touched them or if you said certain things, that you could predict their response. While it hadn’t been perfect with Nathan, I’d known how each day would be, how he would be with me.

That didn’t exist for me now. Everything was new, uncertain, the feeling of walking on eggshells.

So I wrote something utterly pathetic.

Why did you cheat on me?

I instantly regretted it, the very second it was too late to take it back.

I lay on the couch, exhausted yet unable to sleep, tense over the answer he would give me, only to drift off to sleep an hour later with no answer whatsoever.

Which just made me feel worse.

* * *

I regretted my impulsive texting even more the next day.

Jonathon stopped by to pick up his iPad now that I had access to my laptop again and I invited him in, because it seemed totally wrong to just hand it to him over the doorjamb and wave goodbye after all he had done when I was in the hospital. Besides, I wanted him to hang around. I admit it.

“You look good,” he told me. “You feeling better?”

“I’m still exhausted, but I do feel better.” We climbed the stairs to the living room together. “I still look totally busted, but oh, well. I’m just glad it’s winter and I can get away with wearing ginormous clothes and hats.” I had tried to glam up before he came over but totally gave up after my shower. Cleanliness was all I could manage without needing a nap. I hadn’t even been able to blow-dry my hair because I couldn’t hold my arms up that long.

“You don’t look busted.”

“Yes, I do. I look completely wrecked, but thanks for being nice about it.” I smiled and sat down on the couch. “Sit down. How are you? It seems like we always talk about me. How are you doing?”

“I’m okay.” He sat down next to me and smiled.

Tucking my feet under my butt, I studied him. “You look tired, too. I guess you have a lot on your mind.”

“Just a little. I keep fluctuating between wanting to explore every little detail of pregnancy and iron out a concrete life plan for the next eighteen months, but then I think it’s impossible to plan every contingency and maybe I just need to let it ride for a while and see what happens. But then I think that’s stupid because then I won’t be prepared. Do you know what I mean?”

“Totally. I keep thinking that I need to figure out what I’m doing, where I’m going to live, how I’m going to have money, but all I can manage is making through one day at a time without throwing up or going all narcoleptic while I’m reading my material for class. But that will get better. I think. I hope.”