Shatter (True Believers #4)(31)
Author: Erin McCarthy

So this wasn’t comfortable. Not even close. But I figured it was a lot easier than growing a placenta and hosting a fetus, so I could suck it up and deal.

Besides, she smelled good and I liked holding her. It made me feel important. To her.

* * *

I woke up with a start when Jonathon murmured to me. “Morning, Kylie.”

“Oh, shit.” I rubbed my mouth and tried to unglue my eyelids. “It’s morning? OMG, I’m sorry. You didn’t have to stay here all night.”

“I didn’t want to disturb you.”

Sitting up, I stretched and shifted so he could maneuver himself out from under me. “Did you sleep with your glasses on?” I asked him as he rubbed the bridge of his nose under the frames.

“Yeah. Wouldn’t be the first time. Nor the last, I imagine.” He sat on the couch, legs apart, forearms resting on his thighs for a minute, like he was trying to wake up. “Eight a.m. classes suck.”

“I haven’t had one since freshman year. They’re on my shit list. Like nail polish that chips after a few hours.”

Jonathon laughed softly. “That made your shit list?”

“It’s really annoying,” I told him. “You put all this effort into your mani and then bam, it’s f**ked. I hate that.”

“We have first-world problems, don’t we?”

“Totally.” I yawned. “Like where to get coffee.”

“I don’t think pregnant women are supposed to drink caffeine.”

“Oh.” It was too early in the morning to be reminded that I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. “How do you know that?”

“I did a little research. It helped me cope.”

Then I blurted something out that I didn’t mean to, but was a huge fear rattling around in the back of my brain. “What if our baby isn’t smart? What if she’s a dumb blonde, like me? Will you be super disappointed?”

He looked shocked. “Kylie, you’re not dumb. Don’t say things like that.”

“Let’s face it, I’m not smart. I know that. People have been pointing it out to me my whole life. What if my DNA overpowers yours?”

“A quality of a human being isn’t measured solely in his IQ. What I want most of all is a baby that is healthy, who grows up to be happy and kind and productive.”

He looked sincere. He sounded sincere. He probably was sincere. But how would he feel when our kid was struggling with addition in first grade? Probably not thrilled, no matter what he said. But I couldn’t exactly argue with him. So I just nodded and bit my lip.

Jonathon took my hand and squeezed it. “And you call me silly. Now you’re the one being a goof.” He kissed my forehead and stood up. “I’ll talk to you later. Let me know if you need anything.”

“Okay, thanks.”

Then he took his iPad and left, still looking a little groggy, his movements slow, his shoulders hunched.

Lifting my phone off the table, I called my mother, feeling pensive. “Hi, Mommy.”

“Hi, sweetie! How are you feeling?”

“Less like total crap. Now just slightly like crap.”

“That’s progress. Have you made your first appointment with the doctor?”

“No.” I had been too busy trying not to throw up. “Is there a list for our insurance I have to pick from?”

“Yes. I’ll e-mail all of that to you. But you know, if you go down to part-time this semester or next semester, you’ll be dropped from our insurance.”

“Fabulous. No pressure or anything.” It was too early in the morning for this much reality. I was suddenly doubting my ability to handle any of this—a baby, bills, an apartment, Jonathon. Ugh.

“Don’t stress about it. It’s just something to be aware of.”

Sure. Don’t stress. I was already super behind for this semester and I was due basically when classes were starting again in August. That ought to be entertaining. “Isn’t there any other way to get insurance? Because my due date is August 23. How am I supposed to give birth and go to class?”

“Not unless you use government assistance.”

Those were my options? Give birth in class at McMicken Hall or go on welfare? Excellent. “I can’t think about this. It’s making me want to puke.”

She changed the subject and talked about my brothers and my sister and something about my dad almost electrocuting himself trying to fix the dryer.

“When you’re feeling better I’ll come down and pick you up and bring you home for a weekend. Or maybe you can get a ride with someone.”

Was she hinting that the someone should be Jonathon? I had no idea. My mother’s hints were always so vague I never knew what she was talking about.

All I knew was over the next week she kept calling me and texting me about absolutely nothing and Jonathon kept texting me both questions and informational links about pregnancy and childbirth. I knew that he was trying to be helpful. He was trying not to repeat his own father’s dickheadedness and I understood and appreciated that. I felt grateful that he was trying so hard. But at the same time I didn’t feel like discussing my cervix with him. Or my increased blood volume, which he seemed to find endlessly fascinating.

I just wanted to be Kylie to him for a change. I just wanted to be someone he looked at and wanted—both sexually and as a friend. Not the Future Mother of His Child. Was that so much to ask for?

Apparently, because I didn’t see him at all. He studiously checked in on me with texts and e-mails, but he didn’t ask to see me.

Blech.

I was back to attending classes for the most part, though I was still behind. Most of my professors were understanding, but Professor Kadisch gestured to me to come to his desk after class. Great. I dragged my feet, self-conscious wearing a fuzzy pink scarf and my hair pulled up in a ponytail, no makeup. The energy to primp had only semi-returned and while I was wearing boyfriend jeans, the first pants I’d worn not made of stretchy fabric in a month, I still felt dumpy and pale.

“Yes?” I asked, giving him a weak smile. Now that I knew their connection, I could see Jonathon in his features, or I guess technically Professor Kadisch in Jonathon’s features. They shared the same forehead and strong cheekbones. I had no idea what he was going to say to me. Somehow I doubted he was going to be angling for a World’s Greatest Grandpa T-shirt.

“So I heard about your situation and I think you should drop this course.”