Shopaholic Ties the Knot

“Listen, Mum,” I say, turning round. “That woman Robyn. She’s…”

“Yes?”

“She’s… deranged.”

“Deranged?” Mum stares at me. “What do you mean, love?”

“She… she’s in love with Luke!”

“Oh my goodness!”

“Yes, and she’s got this weird delusion that she’s going to marry him.”

“Marry him?” Mum gapes at me.

“Yes! At the Plaza Hotel! Apparently she even tried to… um… book it. Under my name!”

My fingers are twisting into complicated knots. I must be crazy. Mum’ll never fall for this. Never. Not in a million—

“You know, that doesn’t surprise me!” says Mum. “I could tell there was something a bit odd about her straight away. All this nonsense about violins! And she seemed obsessed by what color I was going to wear—”

“Oh, she’s completely obsessed. So… if she ever rings again, just make an excuse and put the phone down. And whatever she says, even if it sounds quite plausible… don’t believe a word of it. Promise?”

“All right, love,” says Mum, nodding. “Whatever you say.”

As she goes into the kitchen, I hear her saying “Poor woman. You have to feel sorry for them, really. Graham, did you hear that? That lady from America who phoned for Becky. She’s in love with Luke!”

I can’t cope with this anymore.

I need to see Suze.

Thirteen

I’VE AGREED TO meet Suze at Sloane Square for a cup of tea. There’s a crowd of tourists milling around when I arrive, and for a moment I can’t see her. Then the throng disperses — and there she is, sitting by the fountain, her long blond hair haloed by the sun, and the hugest stomach I’ve ever seen.

As I see her, I’m all set to rush up to her, exclaim, “Oh God, Suze, it’s all a nightmare!” and tell her everything.

But then I stop. She looks like an angel, sitting there. A pregnant angel.

Or the Virgin Mary, perhaps. All serene and lovely and perfect.

And suddenly I feel all messed up in comparison. I’d been planning to unburden the entire situation on Suze, like I always do, and wait for her to think of an answer. But now… I just can’t. She looks so calm and happy. It would be like dumping toxic waste in some beautiful clear sea.

“Bex! Hi!” As she sees me she stands up, and I feel a fresh shock at how… well, how big she looks.

“Suze!” I hurry toward her and give her a huge hug. “You look amazing!”

“I’m feeling great!” says Suze. “How are you? How’s the wedding?”

“Oh… I’m fine!” I say after a pause. “It’s all fine. Come on. Let’s go and have some tea.”

I’m not going to tell her. This is it. For once in my life, I’m going to sort out my problems on my own.

We go to Oriel and get a table by the window. When the waiter comes, I order hot chocolate, but Suze produces a tea bag and hands it to the waiter.

“Raspberry leaf tea,” she explains. “It strengthens the uterus. For labor.”

“Right.” I nod. “Labor. Of course!”

I feel a little shiver at the base of my spine and smile quickly to cover it.

Secretly, I’m really not at all convinced about this whole giving birth thing. I mean, look at the size of Suze’s bump. Look at the size of a full-grown baby. And then tell me that’s going to fit through…

I mean, I know the theory. It’s just… to be honest, I can’t see it working.

“When are you due again?” I say, staring at Suze’s stomach.

“Four weeks today!”

“So… it’s going to grow even bigger?”

“Oh yes!” Suze pats her bump fondly. “Quite a bit, I should think.”

“Good,” I say weakly, as a waiter puts a cup of hot chocolate in front of me. “Excellent. So… how’s Tarquin?”

“He’s fine!” says Suze. “He’s up on Craie at the moment. You know, his Scottish island? They’re lambing at the moment, so he thought he’d go and help out. Before the baby comes.”

“Oh right. And you didn’t go with him?”

“Well, it would have been a bit risky.” Suze stirs her raspberry tea thoughtfully. “And the thing is, I’m not quite as interested in sheep as he is. I mean, they are really interesting,” she adds loyally. “But you know, after you’ve seen a thousand of them…”

“But he’ll be back in time, will he?”