Silver Shadows (Bloodlines #5)(37)
Author: Richelle Mead

Except she wasn’t here.

Sydney was gone, being kept far, far away from me . . . which meant it wasn’t her arms around me or her lips I tasted. Struggling out of my sleepy haze, I opened my eyes and tried to make sense of my surroundings. The blinds filtered out most of the morning sun, but I could still see enough to realize the girl in bed with me had black hair, not gold. Her eyes were gray, not brown.

“Nina?”

I pushed her gently away and scooted as far from her as I could while still managing to stay in the bed. Amusement sparkled in her eyes, and she laughed at my surprise. “You were expecting someone else? Wait, don’t answer that.”

“No . . . but what are you doing here?” I blinked around the dim room. “How did you even get in here?”

“You gave me a key for emergencies, don’t you remember?” I didn’t, but it also didn’t surprise me. She looked mildly disappointed that it had just been something I’d done on drunken impulse. “I got worried when I didn’t hear from you this morning, so I headed over here to check on you when I went on my lunch break. I’ve got a weird late shift.”

“Assaulting isn’t really the same as checking on me,” I said.

“‘Assaulting’ is kind of an exaggeration,” she chastised. “Especially since you were the one who reached for me when I sat next you on the bed.”

“I did?” Again, I couldn’t say I was entirely surprised. “Well . . . I’m sorry. I was half-asleep and didn’t know what I was doing. I was . . . dreaming.”

“You seemed to know what you were doing to me,” said Nina huskily. She reached toward me. “Were you dreaming of her?”

“Who?”

“You know who. Her. The girl who torments you. Don’t deny it,” she ordered, seeing me about to protest. “Don’t you think I can tell? Oh, Adrian.” It was jarring hearing her say it, after I’d just dreamed about Sydney uttering those very words. Nina lightly stroked my cheek. “I could tell as soon as you came back to Court someone had broken your heart. I’ve hated seeing you on the path you’re on. It eats me up.”

I shook my head but didn’t remove her hand. “You don’t understand. There’s more to it than you know.”

“I know that she’s not here. And that you’re miserable. Please . . .” She scooted back across the bed and leaned over me, her hair forming a curtain of dark curls around us. “I’ve been drawn to you since the moment we met. Let me make you feel better. . . .”

She leaned down to kiss me, and I held up a hand to stop her. “No . . . I can’t.”

“Why? Is she coming back?”

Nina’s voice wasn’t cruel, but there was certainly a challenge in it, and I found myself looking away. “I . . . I don’t know. . . .”

“Then why fight this?” she asked beseechingly. “I know you like me. More importantly, I know you understand me. No one else gets what it’s like, to be tossed around on the waves of spirit and endure what we do. Isn’t that worth something? To just have someone around so you aren’t alone?”

She tried to kiss me again, and I didn’t stop her, largely because it was hard to argue against her point. I certainly didn’t love her like I did Sydney, but we did get what the other was going through. She didn’t judge me for what I did or try to get me to find better ways to handle my despair. And yes, she was right: It was nice not being alone.

Like that, my mother’s words suddenly hit me like a slap in the face: Stop chasing a dream and focus on someone you can build a stable life with. That’s what your father and I have done.

Was that what I was doing with Nina? Building a stable relationship with someone who shared my vices and need for escape—but whom I ultimately didn’t love? It would certainly be easy. Nina made sure of that. We could spend a lifetime together, commiserating about how hard it was to be a spirit user, going to one party after another in the hopes of putting off the darkness a little longer. It would be a pleasant life. Stable, as my mother had said. But I would never try to better myself. I would never achieve greatness, the way Sydney had always made me feel I could. And I would never, ever have that euphoric, all-consuming love that had wrapped around me every moment I was with Sydney, that feeling of love that constantly made me think, Yes, this is what it means to be alive.

It would be easy, whispered Aunt Tatiana, fickle as usual. She’s here. Use her. Make the pain disappear. Your other girl is far away, but this one’s right in front of you. Give in. Just say yes. Yes, yes, yes . . .

“No,” I said.

I broke the kiss with Nina and actually stood up this time, making sure she was out of reach. I’d been a fool. A weak, lazy fool. I’d let my depression over my parents and not having any leads on Sydney get the best of me. I hadn’t just given up on Sydney. I’d given up on myself, getting lost in this decadent life of Court parties and pleasure because it was easy—much easier than both trying to find Sydney and staying strong when the options seemed hopeless.

“Nina, I’m sorry, but I can’t do this,” I said, putting as much strength into my words as I could. “I’m sorry if I led you on, but this isn’t going to happen. I like hanging out with you, but I’m never going to feel any more for you than I do right now. And if I don’t, then that’s not acceptable for either of us. I’m sorry. We’ll never, ever have a future together.”

It was a bit excessive, largely because I was lecturing myself as well as her. She flinched, and I realized too late that maybe I should’ve found a gentler way to express my feelings—especially, knowing as I did, how sensitive spirit users were. Her earlier smile disappeared, and she actually recoiled as though I’d struck her. Blinking back tears, she stood up from the bed with as much dignity as she could muster.

“I see,” she said. There was a tremor in her voice, and she was doing that hand-wringing thing, to the extent that her own nails were digging into her flesh. “Well, I’m sorry for wasting your time these last couple of weeks. I should’ve known clerical help wasn’t good enough for Lord Adrian Ivashkov.”

Now I winced. “Nina, it’s not like that at all. And I really like having you as a friend. If you’d just let me explain—”

“Don’t bother.” She turned her back on me and headed for the bedroom door. “I don’t want to waste any more of your time, and besides, I need to find something to eat before my lunch break’s over. Sorry I woke you. I’m glad you’re okay.”