Solitary Man(32)
Author: Carly Phillips

She raised her head and Kevin met her gaze. “Like I said… you don’t ask much, do you?” She didn’t just want what he could give her or the baby. She wanted his heart and soul. His heart was rusty from disuse and aged beyond his years, while his soul was something he’d discarded when Tony died.

She might as well have asked him to cut himself in two. But he had to admit he’d set himself up for this. Every move he’d made had been an uncalculated step in this direction. Sleeping with Nikki, getting her pregnant, asking her to move in, insisting they marry.

And now she wanted it all—the white picket fence and the family out of a Norman Rockwell painting. How could he expect a woman like Nikki, a wholesome woman from a close-knit family, to want anything less? He actually envied her wide-eyed optimism.

If she thought he was capable of making the attempt, how could he deny her? “You really think someone like me can give you what you want?” he asked.

She nodded. “All I want,” she said softly, “is you.”

That’s what he was afraid of. “When?” he asked.

She inhaled and a visible shudder rippled through her. So she wasn’t any more sure of this arrangement than he. “As soon as possible.”

He wondered if she was still trying to convince herself marrying him was the right thing to do. He couldn’t blame her. As soon as possible would prevent either of them from changing their minds—or running from their feelings.

As soon as possible was the right thing for everyone. He nodded. “Next weekend work for you?” he asked.

Wide-eyed, she gave a small nod of assent. He looked into those violet eyes. Eyes that shimmered with emotion and brimmed with tears. No way were they tears of joy. She was stuck with him.

But they’d made their bed almost three months ago. It was time to sleep in it. Damning himself for a fool, he pulled her into his arms.

* * *

Nikki had to hand it to Kevin—he hadn’t been avoiding the house, nor had he been avoiding her. If his presence was all she wanted, then she’d have to say he’d been trying. Just as she’d asked.

Just as he’d promised.

But his emotions had remained firmly in check and despite her best efforts, she hadn’t been able to tap into them. With their wedding two days away, Nikki felt as though the minutes of her life were ticking down. She was marrying the man she’d dreamed of marrying, but for all the wrong reasons.

All the wrong personal reasons, she amended. She placed her hand over her stomach and wondered when the nervous jitters would turn into the real flutters described in the books. She couldn’t wait to feel her baby kick. Evidence of life symbolized hope. She’d do anything for the happiness and security of this child, even if it meant risking her heart.

When she heard Kevin’s key turn in the lock, she braced herself for the inevitable awkwardness between them. Kevin surrounded himself with mile-high barriers. It would have felt like an icy reserve, if she hadn’t known better. Because that chill wasn’t ever-present. At night beneath the covers, the chill evaporated, replaced by a sizzling heat.

They shared more than just the same double bed in her room. Way beyond sex, she and Kevin connected in a meaningful way. He engaged her heart and soul, and she was able to let herself go. Because she was giving herself to Kevin, and he to her. When he was inside her, he didn’t hold himself back on any level. He gave of himself endlessly. She wanted to grab onto that closeness and bring it into the light of day.

So far, she hadn’t been successful. She supposed she should be grateful there was any time at all when she could breach his reserve, get past his fear and distrust. Not of Nikki, but of himself. The irony wasn’t lost on her. If he hadn’t trusted her, she could work to prove herself to him, but how could she get him to believe in himself? In his own worthiness, when the man who’d raised him was a constant reminder of his so-called failures.

“Nikki?” His voice called out from the hall.

“In my room.” Although he’d wanted her to move into the master bedroom where she’d be more comfortable—or so he’d said, she’d insisted on waiting until they were married. In her mind, it was another way to make the distinction between individual and couple mean something to Kevin.

Since she’d been able to reach him in bed, his bedroom, the place where they would begin their married life, was the place she would start. A resourceful woman could work with that and in the last couple of months, Nikki had learned to be more resourceful than she’d ever dreamed she could be.

“Hi there.” Kevin walked into her dimly lit room. Nikki sat with an open magazine on her lap, the glow of a small bedside lamp illuminating her delicate features.

Ever since they’d made their decision, she appeared more serene and calm than he could admit to being. Not because he wanted to back out but because he was waiting for her to do it first.

She glanced at the small digital clock on the nightstand. “Is everything okay? You’re usually home much earlier.” Her hand curled around the comforter in a tight fist. “I didn’t mean I was keeping tabs on you or anything. I just meant that…”

He let out a long breath of air. “I didn’t think you were checking up on me.”

“Everything okay at work?”

He nodded. “I stopped by to see Max.” Not because he wanted to but because he couldn’t live with himself if he didn’t make sure his old man was okay.

“How’s he doing?”

“He wasn’t there.” Kevin had a hunch where he could have found his father, but he wasn’t in the mood to hit the seedy bars downtown.

She patted the empty side of the bed. “Sit down and relax,” she murmured.

Every day he promised himself he wouldn’t climb into bed with Nikki and selfishly take what she so unselfishly offered. But he couldn’t stop himself— and she didn’t seem to mind. If anything, the stiltedness between them dissolved each time he joined her beneath the covers.

She’d asked him to make an effort at doing the family thing. But he wasn’t comfortable sharing his feelings over the dinner table, as he’d never grown up with a family who ate together or discussed their daily events. No one really cared about anything except tiptoeing around his old man’s moods and temper.

Yet as soon as he joined Nikki in bed, the discomfort dissolved and barriers dropped. He hoped she was satisfied with that because he couldn’t offer any more. He just didn’t know how.