Solitary Man(49)
Author: Carly Phillips

As he headed up the steps, Kevin shook off the memory of his father’s bloodshot eyes as he spouted the Manning prophecy. He entered the precinct feeling lighter than he had in months, maybe years. Just believing in himself and the future made a huge difference in attitude.

Even if the future was more uncertain than ever.

* * *

Weeding wasn’t a pretty chore, but it was a productive task and the improvement was always evident. Nikki needed to see improvement in something, even if it wasn’t in any particular area of her life. If she kept at it long enough, maybe it would be too late for her to shower and change and still have time to hit the baby stores with Kevin later tonight.

She didn’t know if she could handle it. A mother and father shopping for their unborn baby was supposed to be a joyful occasion, one that was fun and full of hope and promise. But all she would feel this evening was the pain of what would never be.

“Hey you, keep that up and you’ll be pulling the azaleas along with the weeds.”

At the sound of Kevin’s voice, she glanced up but was blinded by the late afternoon sun. “I was just gardening.”

He knelt down beside her. “Looks like you were hacking up the flowers to me.”

She shrugged. “It keeps me busy.”

He settled himself beside her, looking comfortable in the soft green grass. “And that’s important to you? Keeping busy?”

She nodded. “It stops me from dwelling on things I can’t change.” And sometimes it gave her time to dwell on those same things and attempt to come to terms with herself and her life.

“Do you miss school?”

“I don’t miss being in school. I wish I had finished before… Well, let’s just say I wish I was more self-sufficient.”

He leaned forward. “I’m sorry relying on me’s so hard.”

She sighed. “It isn’t you. It’s the taking I hate. It’s not like this is a real marriage and we planned for this baby and decided I’d be a stay-at-home mom.”

“What if it were a real marriage? What if everything was exactly the way you wanted it to be? Would you get your degree and go back to work or would you stay at home with your kids?”

She narrowed her gaze. This was the most serious conversation they’d had since… well, ever. And he’d initiated it. She was curious to see where it led.

She leaned back in the grass, resting on her palms. “I’m not sure if I should answer. You’ll think I’m awfully old-fashioned.”

“I already know you’re hopelessly old-fashioned.” He laughed, a rich, vibrant sound she’d never heard before.

Hope, something she’d have sworn she no longer believed in, came springing back to life. Nikki quickly tamped it down. Just because Kevin was making small talk didn’t mean she should start weaving fantasies of forever-afters.

“Well?” he prodded.

“I’d get my degree—to have it—for me. It’s only one semester, after all. But then I’d stay home. I want my kids to have security and a mom that’s around. And I know I’d be just as fulfilled being home with my kids as I would teaching someone else’s. More so, really.”

He grinned. “That’s what I thought. And that was the easy question,” he said, sobering. “I have a tougher one.”

She shrugged. “Go for it.” She might as well humor him because he seemed comfortable and relaxed and she didn’t think he’d be leaving any time soon. Plus the longer he talked, the less time they’d have for shopping later.

“What do you want?”

Her fingers curled into the grass. “What?”

“What do you want? From life, from marriage… from me.”

He’d gone too far. She couldn’t humor him. Not anymore. Not at her own expense. Shopping for the baby was preferable to this. “Obviously you’re in a good mood, Kevin, but excuse me if I don’t want to play along.” She started to rise, but her growing stomach made a quick exit impossible and her sudden move resulted in a pulling pain in her right side. With a groan, she pulled her knees up to ease the sudden cramp.

“Hey, are you okay?”

She nodded. “I’m used to it. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and stretch and I end up feeling like I pulled a muscle I didn’t even know I had.”

“I didn’t know that,” he said, sounding very upset that he had been left out.

She didn’t understand him today. “There’s no reason you should.”

“There’s every reason. Nikki, I…”

She leaned forward until she was too close to his handsome face. Too close to his arousing scent and the warmth of his skin. “You… what?”

“Love you. I love you.”

Her breath left in a whoosh and the pain she’d experienced suddenly returned, but this time too close to her heart. “Don’t say what you don’t mean.” She couldn’t handle it. Tears welled in her eyes and she swiped at them with the back of her hand. “Hormones,” she muttered.

He reached forward and rubbed at the tip of her nose. “Dirt,” he said.

She laughed, though she wasn’t feeling anything that resembled humor.

“You don’t believe me.” Not a question, but a statement. Kevin wasn’t certain what she was feeling, but he knew for a fact she wasn’t taking him seriously.

How could he blame her when he’d never given her any indication of his feelings? Never even tried.

Tears streamed openly down her dirt-streaked face, yet she’d never looked more beautiful to him. He felt as if he were seeing her for the first time. Through his new perspective, perhaps he was.

He felt his future slipping away. He reached out and placed his hand over her rounded stomach. “Have you felt the baby kick yet?” he asked.

She shook her head then obviously changed her mind and nodded. “Sort of. Little butterfly flutters.”

“Can I feel?”

“It’s too soon to feel it from the outside. Why are you doing this?”

“Because it’s past time. And I don’t want to lose you. Have I?” He needed the answer as much as he feared it. Probably more.

“You do know how to drop a bombshell,” she muttered. “You love me?”

“Enough to take a look at myself through your eyes. Enough to walk into one of those Al-Anon meetings. Twice. Enough to lay down the law with Max. I told him he has family waiting but only if he sobers up. Otherwise he’s completely on his own.” His gut clenched with guilt again. “I can get through it, but it would be so much easier if I wasn’t alone. Did I jump the gun telling Max he had us waiting?”